252 The Fourteenth ; or, [MARCH, 



myself, I turned and caught a pale thin young man pencilling my con- 

 .tour into his pocket-book ; and a few clays afterwards, while I was 

 talking to some ladies in a carriage, what was my surprise at recognizing 

 my own features, in all the sublimity of ugliness, painted upon the pan- 

 nel ! I was in the character of a griffin ! What was worse, the ladies, 

 who happened to be horribly handsome, observed the likeness, which 

 they seemed to regard as a coincidence highly flattering to me. I fan- 

 cied every moment that they would compliment me on the resemblance, 

 and expect me to present them with their crest set in diamonds, for my 

 miniature. While leaning over, they glanced first at the green pannel, 

 and then at me comparing the grin of the griffin with the smile of 

 unconsciousness which I assumed, and which must have looked very 

 like a paroxysm of horror. It grew more and more ghastly, as I affected 

 to look pleasant. I endeavoured to twist my mouth into something not 

 disagreeable, and tried it in every possible shape, from an S to a Z : but 

 in vain. I only resembled a fury playing on the fiddle. At last, finding 

 that the griffin had decidedly the best of it, I left the ladies to their scent- 

 bottles. I believe one of them fainted. As I retreated, they seemed a 

 little surprised at my walking away in the ordinary manner, like other 

 people. They looked down, and consulted together they had counted 

 my legs. 



I shall not attempt to convey to the reader any definite notion of my 

 features. As well might I endeavour to paint the sound of the bagpipes, 

 or to turn a barrel of vinegar into verse. It may be observed, however, 

 that my eyes would not be so exquisitely disagreeable, if they were a 

 better match either in colour, size, or situation. Eyes in general look 

 much better for wearing lashes ; but mine, being destitute of these 

 ornaments, are not seen to advantage. Of my nose, which is constructed 



on true Bardolphian principles but no, I should do it wrong to 



throw out even a hint respecting it. Let it pass for ever undescribed a 

 shape of shadows a riddle to all ages. I bequeath its memory to man- 

 kind ; and, in after-times, let it be said that there was at least one nose of 

 which the human mind could form no conception. Pitt and Sheridan 

 are reported to have had a duel of wit on this subject. The meeting 

 took place ; and spiry steeples and burning meteors were exchanged 

 but without effect: the affair was compromised. But mine I will not 

 compare it with the Pyramids. I will merely observe, that if it should 

 acquire, either from time or the table, any other form or hue, it must 

 inevitably be handsomer than it is. I shall close this part of my subject 

 by saying, that my mouth seems cut in my face like a keyhole ; that 

 Mr. Kean has completely failed in his imitation of my legs in " Richard ;" 

 and that my feet very much resemble those which we frequently 

 encounter in modern poetry, being sadly deficient in quantity when com- 

 pared with each other. 



After the incident related above, of my rival and representative the 

 griffin, and his frightened and fainting patrons, the reader will be sur- 

 prised to learn that I am an especial favourite in all societies ; and that 

 the more delightful as well as more discerning sex, in particular, has 

 invariably received me with favour and partiality. I am, in fact, one 

 of the most popular men of my day. A party is hardly considered com- 

 plete without me. I take precedence of the youthful and the elegant. 

 You will always find me in the loveliest, the liveliest, and the least super- 

 ficial circle in the room. I attract about me the gay and the romantic 



