256 The Fourteenth ; or, [MARCH, 



noise, and desired to know if anything was the matter, induced me to 

 abandon this mode of cultivating my miseries. On looking in the glass, 

 1 beheld my features for the first time with complacency and satisfaction. 

 They seemed to be the true outward and visible sign of the tempest that 

 raged within. I saw I felt that I was " like no brother." I could 

 not help entertaining a belief that the ties that bound others did not 

 extend to me and I resolved to terminate my wretchedness at once. 

 How could I live with such a face as mine ! how should I look in old 

 age solitary and frightful ! And then wondering how Chabert could 

 be so foolish as to refuse prussic-acid a thing that seemed to me the 

 elixir I rushed out in search of it. 



Many were the shops I visited but I was not so lucky as Romeo ; 

 our apothecaries are too well off. Some considered me a madman 

 others seemed to think me far too demoniac to stand in need of such 

 remedies, and that I was only tempting them to perdition. All refused. 

 At last I found a shop with a boy whistling behind the counter. I 

 made a desperate effort to be agreeable, and pleaded some experiments 

 in natural philosophy but he denied me like the rest. I begged for 

 a little laudanum for the tooth-ache ; the earnestness of my manner, I 

 suppose, alarmed him, and he recommended tincture of myrrh. I gave 

 him a look that I have no doubt haunts him to this day. As I stood on 

 the step hesitating which way to go, I recollected a chemist of whom I 

 had sufficient knowledge to calculate upon his consent ; with him in 

 some way or other I should effect my purpose. His house was only a 

 street or two off, and I accordingly hastened thither. We chatted toge- 

 ther about coughs and the currency, the weather and the Duke of Wel- 

 lington. But, in spite of every effort, I could not introduce my subject. 

 I reflected upon the trouble into which he would be brought by my 

 death to bring a person whom I knew into collision with a coroner 

 would be selfish and cruel. My heart failed me ; and, after one or two 

 fruitless efforts to accomplish my request, I had only fortitude enough to 

 ask for an ounce of acidulated drops ! He wrapped up my change in 

 paper, and I was again left in the world without a hope. 

 . I now began to revolve in my mind the various modes of dying which 

 human genius has invented. Drowning I entertained a particular aver- 

 sion to besides, the water was so extremely cold. Pistols occurred to 

 me but then I am no sportsman, and could never make sure of my 

 aim. My razors I recollected required setting ; but the instant this 

 objection crossed my mind, I turned my head and saw that I was 

 passing a cutler's shop. I went in and selected a new set. They were 

 not polished, and I could not have them that night. They were to be 

 sent to me the next morning certainly not later than nine. I consented 

 to live till that hour. I felt relieved, and more satisfied with myself; 

 and in this state returned home. Here, the first thing that met my 

 sight was the hideous pile of letters a Mont Blanc of paper, under 

 which all my hopes lay buried. I calculated what they had cost me 

 and seventeen and sixpence sank deep into my soul. I vowed revenge. 

 A flush of triumph pervaded my mind as I contemplated the pleasure 

 of burning them. This was succeeded by a profounder thought ; why 

 not set fire to the house, and perish like Sardanapalus ! A moment's 

 consideration, however, convinced me that I had no right to do this, as 

 I was only a lodger. Musing on the letters, I reflected upon the happy, 

 the enviable lot of a twopenny-postman. He knows not the sickness of 



