336 Notes of the Month on Affairs in General. [[MARCH, 



boudoirs abundant and cushioned enough for the whole nobility of this 

 pleasant and private-box loving land. 



One stipulation must be insisted on, that whatever comforts may be 

 provided for, within, there must be some fair means of escaping without. 

 The Argyll Rooms, the Lyceum, the Haymarket, the King's Theatre, 

 Drury Lane, Covent Garden, with all the Minors, must undergo the 

 fate of fire, in their due time. It is as much the natural destiny for 

 a theatre to be burned, as for a billet-doux to undergo the flame after 

 marriage to the object. Yet there is not a theatre in or near London, at 

 this hour, in which the falling of a candlesnuff would not put us in 

 hazard of our lives, except Drury Lane, which, at least for the boxes, 

 has a spacious entrance ; and Covent Garden, which has, in an inferior 

 degree, the same advantage. But let those who have screwed themselves 

 through the box passage of the little theatre in the Haymarket, imagine 

 their condition on a full night, with a tornado of flame bursting over the 

 pit, and gyrating round the dress circle ; with every door dashed open at 

 once, the passage stopped, and all the Irishmen in the house battling 

 their way over the prostrate audience, into freedom and fresh air. 



Or let those who have painfully squeezed their way to the entrance of 

 the pit of the King's Theatre, then dived down the flight of wooden 

 steps, then climbed up the opposite row, until they seated themselves on 

 the benches, breathlessly congratulating their limbs that they had at last 

 surmounted the struggles of access, imagine that entrance in the condi- 

 tion in which it infallibly would be on the first announcement of the 

 flame by Signora Malibran, running forward with her wig and royal 

 diadern emulously blazing round her head ; followed by all the " votaries 

 of Terpsichore" pirouetting as if they were possessed by the foul fiend, 

 to get out of the way of the conflagration ; with all the gauze of the pet- 

 ticoats of Danseuses premieres and secondes, the De Varennes, the Brocards 

 and Noblets, floating in light round their heads ; and the whole host of 

 the Cupidons, male and female, darting like imps with their wings singed. 

 Woe then to the Marchionesses ! Woe to the pursy Lords, and the short 

 Ladies! Woe to the whole asthmatic generation of statesmen and lovers, 

 from Lord Westmorland to Lord Dudley ! Woe to the feeble of heart, and 

 the frail of limb ! Then would there be a quick end to flirtation ; and all 

 the nods and becks of ancient beauty would not bring an adorer to the 

 door of the most titled box in the first circle. The strong of arm would 

 carry the day ; and the future age would have to weep over the 

 memory of trampled Dandyism. Once more, we say, let Mr. Beazley 

 have the building of all the rebuildable houses; under a contract, if 

 they will, that he shall be bound to rebuild them once in every five 

 years, at a discount, and on the forfeiture of a certain sum for every 

 person above five thousand a year, walked over into the other world in 

 any of his passages in the combustion. 



Wyse, the husband of Mrs. Buonaparte Lucien Cleopatra Wyse, and 

 Daniel O'Connell, the father of the whole promissory patriotism of 

 Ireland, have been lately exhausting the whole eloquence of Billingsgate 

 upon each other. Bushe, the Irish Chief Justice of the King's Bench, is 

 said to have dropped the following epigram from his notes, as he was 

 attending to a superhuman harangue on the subject : 



When Wyse's pounds and pence have gone ill, 



'Tis clear that Wyse is not O'Connell. 



When Dan to law and logic flies, 



'Tis clear O'Connell is not Wyse. 



