246 A CHAI'TER ON LOVERS. 



gleaming in the splendid panoply of war, commits terrible devastation at 

 the officers' balls, as he displays his exquisite person in the quadrille, or 

 whispers most irresistible nothings into the ear of the boarding-school 

 belle, who leans on him in that abominable invention of Terpsichore — 

 the waltz. Oh ! and alas ! for the bosoms that are transfixed by the 

 mischievous darts of our Cupid ! — for the eyes that are doomed to the 

 suffusion of tears ! and the cheeks that are to prematurely pale at 

 fifteen ! Well-a-day ! for the brow that's to darken, and the lip that's 

 to fade, and the hair that's to blanch, and the heart that's to break 

 because of love unreturned, and the too-fascinating Cornet Eneas 

 M'Grath ! Increase and multiply, ye weeping willows ! bleat still more 

 pathetically ye tender lambs ! and divide and How yet more pensively, ye 

 ** murmuring brooks I" because of the marvellous multitude of despair- 

 ing damsels ! Whom have we next ? The Nirarod, with £15,000 a year, 

 an unencumbered estate, horses, and hunters, and hounds ; himself 

 blithe, jovial, fresh-coloured, well featured and formed, with the heart in 

 the right place, and a temper " free from all vice ;" he marries — "for 

 love to be sure !" Not at all my dear Kate ! — he cares little for Cupid, 

 and money he cares for still less ! The lady who shows a neat ancle and 

 foot, who looks well in her habit and hat, who rides like an Amazon, 

 clears a gate in fine style, and is '' in at the death,*' is the woman he 

 toasts and he weds. 



What lover is this ? The grave, silver-tongued, middle-aged pro- 

 fessional, who, in celibacy and solitude, has either crawled wearily into 

 the sunshine of notice, or attained it by some unforeseen and most 

 fortunate accident ! Behold him ! he issues from the obscurity of his 

 original domicile — his philosophical retreat ** au troisieme," shakes off the 

 dust and dinginess of his Eastern residence, turns his steps west, and 

 seeks for some squeezed-up anatomy of a house, thrust into an out-of- 

 date street, like a thin book on a shelf to fill up the row; he enters it, 

 puts up white blinds with red tassels, and showy transparencies, 



mounts a brass plate of imposing magnitude, and looks out for a 



wife. But the heiress eschews him, the rich widow laughs at his over- 

 tures, and she whose virtues and loveliness are her sole portion is not the 

 girl for his money. Who, then, does he wed ? A word in your ear, my 

 sweet Kate ! the female professional, the pianiste or danseuse, who has 

 money and merit (sans doute), but who sighs for a higher estate than her 

 own, and rises half-way to the sphere of her hopes, by a union with the 

 lucky practitioner ! Indeed ! 



How many more lovers — strange animals truly — v/e might glance at 

 awhile ; but the sands of the glass are fast gliding away like the joys of 

 our youth. Let us turn the leaves swiftly, dear Kate. Oh ! this is the 

 virtuoso, who marries the spinster of fifty, for the sake of some ex- 

 traordinary fossil, or petrified onion — some cabinet of coins covered with 

 verdigrease — some remarkable reptile — some dodo or sea-dragon, which 

 the lady, an equal enthusiast — cannot be persuaded to part with. One 

 gentleman casts a covetous eye on his fair neighbour's garden or grounds — 

 the proprietress is outree and ugly — red-haired and splay-footed — no 

 matter ! — so much the better ! — his chance is improved ! — the course is 

 his own, and he bears off the belle. A second — in trade — is suspicious 

 of shop-men, though cognomened " assistants ,•" he marries — his wife is 

 perhaps neither pretty nor young, nor any way uncommonly-gifted with 

 mental accomphshraent, but she is Argus-eyed, shrill-tongued, and com- 

 mendably anxious to deprive a flint of its skin. A third — careless and 

 rattlebrained — lays down his *' liberty" that his cook may not bore him 

 to death by opening the door with a courtesy, and *' what do ye choose for 



