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The Country Gcntlcmaiis Magazine 



PAPERS BY FARMER JOHN. 



NO. I. — "RUB UP YOUR GLASSES. 



WHAT some of my old friends and neigh- 

 bours will say, when they hear that 

 I, who have been more used to handling a 

 pitchfork than a pen, am actually about to 

 appear in print, I don't know ; but, I'll be 

 bound for it, there will be a great deal of 

 gossiping and head-shaking over it. Well, 

 they may shake their heads as long as they 

 like, they won't shake me from my purpose. 

 I don't at all see why these smart young gentle- 

 men should have it all their own way in the 

 papers, and fill them up with what I call chaff ; 

 so I am just going to try if I can't put in a grain 

 or two of solid old English corn now and 

 then to make weight. And seeing that I am 

 peering and poking about all day long, like a 

 fowl on a dungheap, 'tis odd if I don't light 

 upon something worth picking up once in a 

 way. I have nothing else to do with my time 

 now, for I have retired from business alto- 

 gether. Not that I mean to say I have made 

 a fortune ; oh no ! farmers can't do that now- 

 a-days. What with high rents, and high wages, 

 and other things, if a man can manage to 

 keep his head above water it's as much as he 

 can expect. It's more than I expected at one 

 time, and more than I am certain of now, be- 

 tween you and me. To tell the truth, though 

 I am but a poor scholar, and can't be expect- 

 ed to judge of words as I should of sheep, so 

 as to pick out the best, I begin to see that I 

 made use of the wrong one just now, when I 

 said that I had retired. The fact is, I did not 

 retire at all, I was regularly shoved out of the 

 way, and this is how it happened. You must 

 know that I am getting on for an old man, 

 and the only chick or child I have in the 

 world is one headstrong boy, whose mother 

 lies down in the churchyard, with a place kept 

 by the side of her for me. That boy has 

 been a trouble to me ever since his poor 

 mother died, what with one megrim and 

 another ; but we managed to rub along pretty 



well together till a few years ago, when he 

 took it into his head to go slinking after a 

 little pink chit of a girl belonging to farmer 

 George Morris, down below here. After a bit 

 nothing would do for the young puppy but 

 that he must marry her, and he kept on 

 harping so that I found that I should have 

 no peace till I gave consent. So, like the 

 foolish old father I am, I let him have his 

 way at last, and a pretty recompense I got 

 for my folly. As for peace, I had no more 

 of that after than I had before. For no 

 sooner were they married, than, as a matter 

 of course, madam came home, and I will say 

 this for her— she didn't come empty handed. 

 There was a whole waggon-load of trunks and 

 packages of one kind andanother,and amongst 

 the rest a bran new piano. I knew mischief 

 would come of that thing as soon as I saw it 

 brought into the house, and sure enough it did. 

 It had not been set up in the room a day 

 before madam found out that the plain old 

 furniture and carpeting which had suited us 

 very well for thirty years didn't match with it 

 at all. And so it was all packed off to the 

 lumber loft, and replaced by a lot of trumpery 

 from a grand upholsterer's. She would have 

 marched off my elbow chair, and me in it, I 

 do believe, at that time, if she could have had 

 her way. But I wasn't going to stand that, so 

 I just took my seat in it and stuck firm, though 

 she tried all she could to drive me away, by 

 strumming at that piano morning, noon, and 

 night. She, and her friends together, didn't 

 give the poor instrument a single day's rest 

 for a whole twelvemonth, I do believe. After 

 that there came another kind of music into 

 the house, and to tell you the truth I wasn't 

 sorry, for though it sounded rather strange at 

 first to the ears of an old man like me, yet there 

 was something natural about it, and it shut up 

 the piano completely. And when she found I 

 wasn't above taking a hand at nursing now 



