The Country Gentleman s Magazine 



99 



JONATHAN AND SIMPSON: OR MEAL AND MILK. 



THE Scotsman, in a very racy article on 

 adulteration in general, has the follow- 

 ing, specially referring to the tampering with 

 oatmeal and milk by two goblins of a character 

 which most householders would like to see 

 exorcised from their tables : — 



The most recent eruption to the surface is 

 that of the kobold whose name is Jonathan. 

 Jonathan is a boreal spirit. Possibly he was 

 tired junketing about in the fir forests of Nor- 

 way and Sweden with his antient com- 

 patriots. At all events, his first appear- 

 ance in this country is chronicled as 

 having taken place at IVIontrose, and, 

 as was credibly asserted, in the shape 

 of sawdust, though subsequent evidence 

 makes this doubtful. Spirits, as is well known, 

 can assume any shape that pleases themselves. 

 It is not clearly stated what the agency was 

 that summoned Jonathan to Scotland. The 

 celebrated Michael Scott used to make use of 

 certain powerful words when he wished to pro- 

 duce analogous results. Possibly some good 

 citizen in the thriving seaport where Jonathan 

 first appeared may have been over-anxious to 

 increase his subscription for some good cause, 

 missionary or other, and may in his earnest- 

 ness have lighted upon some expression — 

 some strong interjection — that had power to 

 bring Jonathan into the meal-tub. For oat- 

 meal is Jonathan's affinity, and though in re- 

 spect of his normal shape he be, as 

 already stated, sawdust according to 

 some authorities, or corn-husks according 

 to others, he can so change himself that 

 goodwives when making porridge are quite 

 ignorant that it is Jonathan they are dealing 

 with. It is not necessary to state that 

 Jonathan does not make good porridge. 

 Whether he be sawdust or corn-husks, there 

 is little nourishment in him. It was not to 

 make good bone and muscle that he was 

 summoned from the underground regions. 

 On the contrary, the purpose of his manifes- 



tation is to increase the profits of the lucky 

 wizard who has control of him. Considering 

 that he is almost entirely composed of woody 

 fibre, and, if he be corn-husks, of fibre armed 

 with silicated lance-points, it is no wonder 

 that Jonathan does not comfort the stomachs 

 that have been induced to trust to him for 

 comfort, but that, on the contrary, his opera- 

 tions have a very strong tendency to turn a 

 ]\Iidsummer Night's Dream into a Midsum- 

 mer Night Mare. 



It may be regarded as an evidence of the 

 ubiquity of spirits to find that, though Jona- 

 than's particular haunt be Montrose, he has 

 turned up so far south as Yorkshire. He 

 may have been busy enough about our own 

 neighbourhood for ought we know, though 

 we have not seen his presence noticed. If 

 he continue his southward progress, he will 

 not fail by-and-bye to meet— he may already 

 have met — with a kindred spirit of the name 

 of Simpson. Simpson is a London gnome, 

 whose efforts, laborious and not of recent 

 date, are directed towards producing an ap- 

 pearance which, when carried about in pails, 

 is believed by a simple-minded public to be 

 milk. Simpson's history is a little obscure. 

 Perhaps the most reasonable account of 

 him is that which attributes his existence to 

 the intervention of Apollo. Vexed at the 

 incessant efforts of the London cow-keeper 

 to get more out of a cow than the poor crea- 

 ture can supply, that deity who cares for 

 cattle directed the attention of the avaricious 

 dairyman to the existence of the cow with 

 the iron tail, whose produce, judiciously 

 mixed with chalk and other condiments, 

 would greatly lessen the strain on the pro- 

 ductive powers of his proteges. Upon this 

 hint he pumped— did the dairyman — and 

 Simpson was the result. Simpson has ser- 

 vants that are zealous in aiding him in his 

 cantrips. Of these, chalk, already alluded to, 

 is the most mentionable. The others are of 



