HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



Ity 



temptation."- 

 When up-to-date my Julia goes. 

 Now, now, how continently flows 

 The liquefaction ot her clothes. 



well concealed each sinuous curve, 



To Julia, 1908. 

 s lead young men to fall from grace. Suggestive figures In women tend to destroy pur- 

 doubt the new fashion will seem a little strange, but it is the only way to put an end to 

 President Elizabeth White of the Dressmakers' Protective Association. 



She doesn't pad, she doesn't lace ; But chastely now my Julia goes. 



No bulge or dip in any place ; 

 Of curvature not any trace. 



Full modest her apparelling. 



The gown, tight-fitting, serpentine 



Clad in her new colonial clothes. 

 From which no provocation flows 



No more in wanton garb she trips. 

 Provoking men to moral slips. 

 But seemly are her bust and hips. 



Till men. In gazing at them, fell 

 Beneath their necromantic spell. 

 And tumbled headlong into hell. 



And when my Julia now I see. 

 Compressed and straight as she cai 

 Oh. how the new style taketh me 



At the Seashore. 



Little Uirl— Wh 

 do tlie waves dancf 

 Mamma? 



Mother — Hush 

 dear: they eanno 

 play bridge. 



Affinity Tester. 



What people seem 

 to need most nowa- 

 days is an invention 

 by means of which 

 they can always tell 

 positively whe t h e r 

 it 's their hearts 

 they've lost or only 

 their heads. 



A Questionable 

 Adage. 



"The way of the 

 transgressor is hard," 

 they say; then how 

 comes it that many a 

 bank president lives 

 luxuriously in j a " 

 nowadays, surround- 

 ed with rare exotic 

 flowers and nourished 

 on imported wine? 



More Funerals Than 

 Deaths, Perhaps. 

 Kecent statistics as 

 to mortality among 

 grandmothers of of- 

 fice boys would indi- 

 cate -that popular in- 

 terest in baseball is 

 waning. 



Danger! 



Another Version. 



You can drive 

 boy to college, but [New York 



you cannot make him Baltimore seek 

 think. 



ew set of hardw 



another; Philadelphia 



Requires Distinction. 



Rich uncles may al- 

 ways count on hav- 

 ing babies named for 

 them, but few are 

 distinguished enough 

 to have pedigreed 

 dogs called after 



Would Chance It. 



Father — This 

 thrashing is going to 

 liurt me worse than 

 it will you, Bobbie! 



Bobbie— Then let's 

 change places. 



The Real Tiling. 



A queen never 

 knows what honor is 

 until she learns that 

 a seedsman in some 

 republic has named a 

 turnip or potato after 

 her. 



Dr. Holmes' Philos- 

 ophy. 



At the first real lie 

 that works from the 

 heart a wife should 

 be tenderly chloro- 

 formed into a better 

 world. 



Always Succeeds. 



Tlie man who never 

 adopts high stand- 

 ards is the only one 

 who never fails. 



No Escape. 



The 



ange; and Cincinnati wants to return to National A.s.sociation Rules of I90S.] 



Too Ma.ny Cooks Spoil the Broth. 



>f trouble 

 ivith the man who 

 ■ides a hobby is that 

 le won 't let you get 

 nit of his way. 



Transformation. 



Star (before the footlights)— I must have 

 the gold tonight, me lord, tonight, or ere to- 

 morrow's sun shall rise thy castle shall be 

 but a charred and smoking ruin ! 



Star (behind the scenes) — Say, pard, loan 

 me a two-spot. Want to get m' laundry out 

 ,0 ' hock before we leave town. — Puck. 



Overstep. 



Everyone admires a liberal man, and one 

 who is frank of speech, and self-confident. 

 But how many men, in their zeal to manifest 

 these three qualities overlook the boundaries 

 between liberality and prodigality; between 

 speech that is frank and speech that is blat- 

 ant; between self-confidence and egotism! 



Cards Were Out. 



"Ah come within a ace ob marrjdn' dat 

 niggah once! " 



' ' Yo don 't say ! ' ' 



"Yais. If he'd had another ace, he'd ha' 

 won a jack-pot, an' if he'd won dat jack- 

 pot he'd had money 'nough to git married 

 on ! ' '—Puck. 



