HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent, 



You Never Can Tell. 

 The bold waves trespassed on the sands, 



'Twas just a summer's hour. I 



Not known her long : 

 I had the short flirtation fad 



And had it strong. 



Of course there was a 



And zephyr breezes. 

 And she was just the only one 



Because it pleases. 



And so I played the loyer's part 



With some acuteness. 

 And she responded with an art 



Of deep astuteness. 



One never knows upon life's stage 



Of farce and drama 

 If one be playing fool or sage — 



Fate's panorama ! 



But when I resurrect that day 



I grow despondent, 

 For Destiny since made me play 



The co-respondent ! 



-C. E. Nettlcton In Judge. 



The Information Bureau. 

 Dear Editor : I wish to ask 



A question, not impertinent. 

 Though I admit it is a task 



To take your time to some extent. 

 Yet I am sure you will consent. 



Nor at the obligation fret. 

 Indeed, it's not inconsequent. 



I ask it to decide a bet. 

 Who was it wore the iron mask? 



Each year abroad how much is spent? 

 What came of old Mambrino's casque. 



And who, please tell us, was that gent? 

 Is birth indeed an accident? 



Is ebony as black as jet? 

 'hat persons pay the t ' " 



I ask to decide a bet. 

 What makes an alligator bask? 



Who longest was in prison pent? 

 Did Caesar use a pocket flask? 



What things did Edison invent? 

 Will trees grow as the twig is bent? 



Who introduced the cigarette? 

 And is Kentucky shortened "Kent"? 



I ask to decide a bet. 



L'ENVOI. 



There is a rumor prevalent 

 That editors are all in debt. 



Pray, are they ? No otfense is meant. 

 I ask to decide a bet. 



A Query Answered. 



Tell me. dear reader, are you one 



Of those that think that it is fun 



To buy a little stack of chips. 



Put a cigar between your lips. 



And play and play and play and play 



Until the night has merged to day — 



To wake until Aurora's blush 



In vain attempts to flll a flush — 



To chip away your precious hoard 



At something you cannot afford? 



And can you find true pleasure in 



That drawing, drawing ad inflnf 



Is there enjoyment to be found 



In quitting with "another round"? _ 



All this and worse — Oh, are you one 



That thinks such foolishness is fun — 



To fool away th' entire night? 



Tou are? Dear reader, you are right. 



—Franklin P. Adams 



If on the theme I pause to think. 

 There are four reasons why I drink- 

 Good wine, a friend, because I'm dry- 

 Or any other reason why ! 



Now, All Together. 



One good lift, and we're out of the mire! 



The merchant sent his Swede clerk out to 

 collect some old bills. The latter returned 

 jubilant. 



"Well," said the boss, "did you have any 

 luck?" 



"Yass. Smith he pay, and Yones he say he 

 pay in Yanuary." 



"Are you sure he will? He never made any 

 promise before." 



"Veil, I tank so; he say it bane a dam col' 

 day when you get dot money, an' I tank dat 

 bane In Yanuary." 



Nothing Important. 



"Moving?" inquired the suburbanite as a dray 

 stopped in front of the next house. "Oh no," 

 said the neighbor, "a friend is just borrowing 

 our collection of souvenir postcards." 



The New Era. 



Prospective Employer — You may come ready 

 for work, at ten tomorrow, if you like. 



Cook — Old sooner come at eight, mum. 

 Thin if 01 don't lolke the place Ol can lave 

 in toime for the matinay, mum. 



A Study in Ads. 



Recently we picked up a magazine and made 

 an appalling discovery which puts ordinary 

 folks in a very embarrassing position. Accord- 

 ing to the ads In this magazine nobody can 

 afford to be without fourteen different kinds 

 of automobiles ; nobody can afford to be with- 

 out a set of never-wear-out underwear at .$15; 

 nobody can afford to be without a $25 camera ; 

 nobody can afford to be without eight different 

 kinds of bicycle tires, a $42 shotgun, a $15 

 fishing rod, a $100 dress suit, and an $80 ex- 

 tension bookcase : nobody can be well dressed 

 without a $100 diamond ring; no house is well 

 built without a $300 parquetry floor ; no table 

 Is well set without a $250 set of silverware ; 

 nobody can keep their hair without a $5 hair 

 tonic ; nobody Is really well "finished" until 

 they have traveled abroad ; nobody can retain 

 their health without a $35 exerciser — and as 

 we figure it out, nobody can really afford to 



be 



without $41,673.50 



of things 



Rose to the Occasion. 



A woman bather at Atlantic Clly got beyond 

 her depth, and In her struggles her new false 

 "puffs" became detached. "Oh, save my hair !" 

 she cried to a gallant rescuer. "Madam," he 

 gasped, "I may be a life-saver, but I am not a 

 hail- restorer '." 



In Memoriam. 



Whereas, a belated but good and all wise fash- 

 inn has decreed the death of the Merry Widow 

 iKit, and 



W'hcreas. the Merry Widow hat has been an 

 all 'round confounded nuisance, inasmuch as it 

 has gouged out eyes, stopped trains, cut holes 

 In men's faces and pocket hooks, and 



Whereas, it has performed other and divers 

 deeds of wanton cruelty, 



Be It resolved, that we are darned well pleased 

 and win dance at the funeral. 



