HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



There are millions of positions in the busy 



world today. 

 Each a drudge to him who holds it, but to him 



who doesn't, play ; 

 Every farmer's broken-hearted that in youth he 



missed his call, 

 While the same unhappy farmer is the envy of 



all. 



rtals that Is cruel, 



The Other Fellow's Job. 

 Whereso'er you find a human you will find the 



case the same ; 

 You may seek among the worst of men or seek 



among the best. 

 And you'll find that every person is precisely 



like the rest. 

 Each believes that his real calling is along some 



other line 

 Than the one at which he's working — take, for 



instance, yours and mine ; 



From the meanest 

 leader of the n 



There's a universal craving for "the other fel- 

 low's job." 



Any task you care to mention seems a vastly 

 better lot 



Than the one especii 

 pen to have got 



There's but one sure way 

 heartache and her sob : 



"Keep too busy at your own, to want the other 

 fellow's job." — SUCCESS. 



to the 



something that you hap- 

 smother Envy's 



Not So Bad. 



"Weren't you sur- 

 prised to hear that 

 Prude had married a 

 divorced woman?" 



"Oh, yes; but then 

 she'd only been di- 

 vorced a few days." 



The Consultation. 



Can Find a Way. 



It is a good deal 

 harder to find time to 

 do the things we 

 don't want to do 

 than the things we 

 do want to do. 



Tourists Beware. 



The Strand pub- 

 lishes the following 

 ad of a Chicago 

 pickle manufacturer: 

 "During the year 

 1905, 126,000 visitors 

 passed through our 

 plant. ' ' 



Newly Kich. 



"Did you know 

 that Spender went 

 through the hundred 

 thousand he had left 

 h i m, inside of a 

 year?" 



"Yes; he contract- 

 ed a bad case of 

 nervous prosperity." 



A New Definition. 



A pessimist is one 

 who does not expect 

 to get what he wants 

 and expects to be dis- 

 appointed in it if he 



Should Give Thanks. 



It is more blessed 

 to give ten dollars 

 than to receive ten 

 days. 



Too Late. 



Success often 

 means to get what 

 others want, but 

 what you no longer 

 have any appetite 

 for. 



. Experience. 



A wise man once 

 said that "Tomor- 

 row never comes. ' ' 

 He no doubt lent an 

 umbrella at some 

 period of his life. 



Broke Even. 



Hubby — You 

 ought to know how 

 to use money better. 



Wifey — Perhaps I 

 could learn if I had 

 a little more practice. 



AH Alike. 

 I know the ways 

 of women; they won't 

 when thou wilt, and 

 when thou won 't 

 they are passionately 

 fond. — Terence. 



Must Be a Thorough- 

 bred. 



Money makes the 

 mare go, but it makes 

 her cut up, too, un- 

 less she is used to it. 



Dr. BUI Russe— He's a goner, ain't he, doc? 



Dr. Munyon Palmer— Where there's life there's hope. 



No Use. 



As j-ou have made 

 your bed, why lie 

 about it? 



Reminiscences of Home. 



Guide: Old Pompeii was a pretty live 

 town once upon a time! 



Chicago Tourist : Say, what date was it 

 the lid went on? 



These Trusts. 



An exchange has developed the biggest 

 trust on earth. It is the trade newspaper. 

 It trusts everybody, gets cussed for trusting, 

 mistrusted for cussing, and if it busts for 

 trusting gets cussed for busting! So there 

 you are. 



The Shoe Fitted. 

 A trolley-car collided with a milk-cart and 

 gallons of milk splashed into the street. A 

 crowd gathered; a small man had to stand 

 on tiptoe and keep dodging about to see past 

 a fat lady in front of him. ' ' Goodness ! ' ' 

 he finally exclaimed, ' ' what an awful waste ! ' ' 

 The fat lady faced about and glared at him 

 darkly. ' ' Mind your own business, ' ' she 

 snapped. — Everybody 's. 



■Which? 

 There seems to be an epidemic of alien- 

 American engagements just now, and many 

 a happy couple is busy getting ready for the 

 honeymoon — or harvest-moon ! 



Ckmld Sympathize. 



No. 



Bridget: Pwhat are ye wearin 

 of crape around yer hat fer, Mike? 



Mike: Sure an' Dim wearin' it 

 first husband, madam ! ' ' 



that band 



