HARDWOOD RECORD 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



Father's busy reading of "The Graft That's All 



About" : 

 Mother's wondering when the next magazine 



comes out ; 

 Aunty hasn't finished with "The Lifting of the 



Lid,' 



ith "Tbo 



Life of Captain 

 svith "Cities and 



The Family Eeading-Table. 



Sister reads a poem titled "Justice Gagged and 



Mute." 

 Far oft in a corner with a book sits little Tim : 

 "The James Boys in Missouri" is quite good 



enough for him. 



L^ncle reads a paper on 



State," 

 Brother reads a torrid screed 



the Great," 



Corruption in the 

 "Weakness of 



Grandpa has 



Stench," 

 Xephew is engrossed 



pamphlet on "The Economic 

 The Debasement of 



Sizzle 'em and frizzle 'em and serve 'em piping 



hot. 

 What's a reputation? They are guilty, like as 



Has a Motive. 



The man who robs 

 Peter to pay Paul 

 usually intends to 

 strike Paul for a larger 

 loan later on. 



Needn't 'Worry. 



The girl who is in 

 love with herself seldom 

 has rivals. 



Pretty Loud. 



"Do you believe that 

 money talks?" 



"You bet I do. I no 

 sooner get my hands on 

 a dollar than it says 

 •Good-by '.' " 



His Vie'W. 



"If you are kind and 

 polite to your play- 

 mates. Johnny, what 

 will be the result?" 



"They'll think they 

 can lick me." 



Safer. 



"Don't you beltev 



love at first sight?' 



"At first sight. 



'Begins to Look Like Old Times, 



: sometimes 

 jther look.' 



yon 



Cheap Shelter. 



A little philanthropy 

 covers a lot of fraud. 



Doubly So. 



"Do you believe that 

 Rockefeller's money is 

 tainted?" 



"You bet I do— 'taint 

 yours and 'taint mine." 



A Popular 'Variety. 



Dog Fancier — Yes; 

 I have all kinds of 

 dogs here; did you 

 wish to purchase any 

 particular breed? 



Old Lady (who reads 

 the papers) — Oh, any- 

 thing that's fashion- 

 able; let me see an 

 ocean greyhound: 



Hardwood is Moving. 



Self-Explanatory. 



Wife (after waiting 

 up until 3 a. m.)— Will 

 you kindly tell me what 

 this means, sir?" 



Husband — Zush like 

 a woman — can't un'- 

 shtan' shompin' zats 

 perfectly plain." 



Remember. 



Better safe than 

 sorry. 



If You Don't 'Want 

 Much. 



Lady — No, really, 

 I'm not a bit hungry. 



Escort — Well, then 

 we'd better just order 



In The Profession. 



Crocodile — I under- 

 stand you have signed 

 with a circus for this 

 year. 



Elephant — Yes ; but 

 there's a hitch in the 

 contract yet — I'm hold- 

 ing out for Predigested 



As Men See It. 



Some girls are terri- 

 bly particular about 

 marry — un- 



Fhom the 



asks them. 



Bare. 



The fellow who can 

 inherit one fortune, and 

 marry another, and not 

 be absolutely e x t i n - 

 guished is a wonder. 



Simple Enough. 



Physiologists say 

 that the older a man 

 gets the smaller his 

 brain becomes. This 

 explains why young- 

 men know everything 

 and old men nothing. 

 — Boston Courier. 



The Jonah. 



He meant well, but he didn't know. 



Oh, words of deep pathetic woe ! 

 He caught a hornet wandering by ; 

 He thought it was a butterfly. 

 Live wires he would boldly test, 

 Because they looked just like the n 

 He'd trust a mule and walk behind, 



Because its look was meek and kind ; ■ 

 A toadstool he would pluck with care. 

 With mushrooms growing everywhere I 

 Fate always played him curious tricks. 

 He had a passion for gold bricks. 

 And yet his heart was very kind ; 

 Exceeding active was his mind. 

 And still his troubles seemed to grow ; 

 He meant well, but he didn't know. 



Love Is Blind but Not Deaf. 



She smiles — my darling smiles and all 



The world is filled with light. 

 She laughs— 'tis like the bird's sweet call 



In meadows fair and bright. 

 She weeps — the world is cold and gray 



Rain clouds shut out the view. 

 She sings — I softly steal away 



And wait till she gets through. 



— Boston Transcript. 



