HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



stern of visage, gaunt of form, 

 Monarchs grim in realm of storm — 

 All the fleet of nebulous boats ; 

 Every craft-of-cloud that floats. 

 Heaped high with vaporous cargo, 

 Renders toll to jour embargo. 



Stern of visage, gaunt of form. 

 Spinners clad in cloaks of storm — 

 From your distaves wrapped with mist. 

 Tirelessly ye twine and twist. 



The White Mountains. 



Stern of visage, gaunt of form, 

 Weavers on the looms of storm — 

 Dashing streamlets now ye braid, 

 Krom silvery strands so deftly ma 

 Binding all these fluid fibers 

 Into power-producing rivers. 



ri>uiii]L; wiiiHIi nil plains below, 

 Whrrr VMiu . h.n.l wrought rivers flow, 

 Tuniiii- mill wlh'i'ls as they glide 

 To iii.M'i ih.- o. .-Mus brimming tide — 



Pause ye not from toll, we pray. 

 Ere our race has lived its day ! 

 Masters of the wind which rages. 

 Reign ye on through endless ages ; 

 Enthroned eternal midst the storm. 

 Stern of visage, gaunt of form ! 



— Forestry and Irrigation. 



If We Get There. 



In the light of 

 Heaven we will find 

 the greatest heroes 

 have teen hidden 

 from earth. 



A Toast. 



May we kiss whom 

 we iiiease, and please 

 whom we kiss. 



von 



Not Guilty 



He— I il nave 

 know, madam, th: 

 no woman ever mac 

 a fool of me! 



She — ^Yho did 

 then .' 



Which Won? 

 Two boys started 

 out in life together 

 as bootblacks — one 

 blacked other people 's 

 boots; the second kept 

 his own blacked ; one 

 of them made a suc- 

 cess. 



Useful. 



Stella : "1 see 

 somebody has invent- 

 ed a device to keep 

 your shoe laces tied.'' 



Bella: "How fool- 

 ish; what's the mat- 

 ter with the men ? ' ' — 

 Puck. 



The Installment Plan 



Under the credit 

 system Poverty knocks 

 at the door and is 

 brusquely bidden by 

 Love to call again. 



Mr. Roosevelt's Precedent. 



Keeps 'Em AU Busy 



Half the world 

 struggles to straighten 

 the other 



vhat 



wrong. 



A Paradox. 



Brace up, but be- 

 ire of the bracer. 



Tame. 



' ' Your husband is 

 a fine chauffeur. I 

 suppose he never runs 

 over anything?" 



" Xo ; he won 't even 

 run over the speed 



Her Privilege. 



It is rare that after 

 having given the key 

 to her heart a woman 

 does not change the 

 loik the day after. 



The First "Save the Trees" 



Conference Occurred About 1740. 



From The Chicago Record -Herald. 



Two Effects. 



(ditude either de- 



.|.s the mental 



icrs. or renders 



men ihill and vicious. 



—Hugo. 



Don't Censure — Pity. 

 .Men who are proud 

 of being wicked are 

 only weak in the 

 head. 



Sees It Differently. 

 A man is likely to 

 quit talkiup about 

 magnates as soon as 

 he b u y s his first 

 block of stock. 



To Be Sure. 



Kufus Choate once endeavored to make a 

 witness give an illustration of absent-minded- 



"Wal," said the witness cautiously, "I 

 should say that a man who thought he'd left 

 his watch to hum, an' took it out'n his pocket 

 to see if he had time to go hum to get it — I 

 should say that that feller was a leeUe absent- 

 minded." 



A New One on Him 



A well-known actress was 

 hotel, and, desiring to iron out some hand- 

 kerchiefs, she called up the bellboy. ' ' Send 

 me up a hot iron, ' ' she ordered. 



She waited quite a while, and finally the 

 boy returned. "Did you get it?" she asked. 



"Naw," replied the boy; "the bartender 

 don 't know how ter mix it. ' ' 



Waldo B. Wallis. 



Works Both Ways. 



On this page recently appeared the follow- 

 ing, under the title, "Father Time Getting 

 Busy " : " When a man does not turn around 

 to look after a pretty girl the undertaker 

 may get ready for an early call." 



A cynical subscriber sends in the follow- 

 ing retort: "When the pretty girl does not 

 glace backward to see if the man has turned 

 around, the undertaker may expect a second 

 job." 



