HARDWOOD RECORD 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



deserted. Everybody 



pleasant, broiling night. 



If. sc 

 When 



And the burning streets are quivering in the 

 heat, 

 Ton should casually stroll 

 To the east, you'd think it droll — 



All the hundred thousand folks you'd seem to 



For they seem to come and go — 

 Men and Women — to and fro 



In the City's ghastly heat, and up and down ; 

 But though very real they seem. 

 They're but shadows of a dream — 



For you know that Everybody's Out of Town. 

 And that tot so pale and mild — 

 You would think she was a Child ! 



She is tired, for the night is very warm ; 

 She is very thin and small 

 And she hardly seems as tall 



As the baby she is holding in her arm. 



"Everybody's Out of Town." 



And the tenements aren't cool : 

 Why, their very roofs seem full. 



And the phantom Mothers seem to s't and 

 hum 

 Just a crooning, soothing song. 

 For the night seems very Mong : 



"O Mother, will the morning never come'.'" 



And the Mothers seem to weep, 

 "O. my dearie, go to sleep. 



For the cool night-wind is rising in the west." 

 And sometimes a hearse all white 

 Rattles through the burning night. 



And the Preacher tells them all is for the 

 best. 



When the stifling evening heat 

 Pours its thousands on the street, 



There is scarcely room to pass the gasping 



thousand moaning Children — but you're 



For they really don't exist. 

 And it's all a phantom mist — 



All the sweltering heat and 

 kind : 

 And the throbbing and the noise 

 And the little Girls and Boys 



Are nothing but an Error of the Mind '. 



For they're really far away 

 In the pleasant fields at play; 



And the patient Mothers that vou think you 

 see 

 Ate but figments of the brain ; 

 And the suffering and the pain 



Are only foolish Thoughts in you and me. 



sing this righteous song, 



there's nothing wrong. 



ihould not impair 



And these thi: 



For the squalor and the shame 

 We are not at all to blame; 

 For we know that everybody'! 



Something. 



"You make me tired 

 You won't make a sir 

 gle concession to th 

 temperance cause !" 



"I won't, eh? Don' 

 I put half water in m 

 whiskey?" 



Bumper Crops. 



Or Gives Away. 



Youth can buy noth- 

 ing half so precious as 

 what it sells. 



Opinions Differ. 



"Chicago is the most 

 healthful spot in the 

 world," says the Daily 

 News. The writer evi- 

 dently hadn't read 

 •"The Jungle." 



Three Strong Forces 



Curiosity, love and 

 dissatisfa c t i o n have 

 made the world whtt it 



A Test Case 



Subur b a n i t e 

 howdy do ! Come u 

 in — don't mind the d 



Visitor ; But won i 

 he bite? 



Suburbanite: I dm i 

 think so, but I want t 

 find out : we i i 

 bought him this moi i 



mg. 



Short-Lived 



Beauty is the 1 ib 

 great gift that ^atul 

 bestows upon a nomai 

 — and the first s>h 

 takes away. 



An Eye-Opener 



"When did you be 

 come acquainted n ith 

 your husband?" 



"The second time I 

 asked him for money 

 after we were married. " 



Ideal Marriage. 



She : Now look me 

 in the eye and answer. 

 Have you ever de- 

 ceived me about any- 

 thing? 



(hesitatingly) : 

 must confess 

 I've not been altogether 

 frank : on numerous oc- 

 casions I have dissem- 

 bled to the extent of 

 trying to appear far 

 more amiable than I 

 felt. 



Well, 



They Gasped. 



At a recent banquet 

 held in a room .idorned 

 with many beautiful 

 paintings, a well- 

 known college presi- 

 dent was called upon 

 to respond to a toast. 

 Wishing to pay a com- 

 pliment to the ladies 

 present, in the course 

 of his remarks he des- 

 ignated tlie paintings 

 with one of his char- 

 acteristic gestures, re- 

 marking : "What need 

 of all these painted 

 beauties on the wall 

 when we have so many 

 with us at the table?" 



Nowadays. 



■I'an't I go out and 

 play in the garden, 

 mamma?" 



"Certainly not, child ! 

 You must stay in and 

 study your nature 



In Pittsburg. 



Waiter ; How is the 



Finest I ever 



The Farmer Again Helps Out the Business Situation. 



In New York. 



"Where do you pass 

 ;ir honeymoons?" 



That Doesn't Go Any More. 



E you have a leaning towards shady French 

 plays. 



Tell your friends the real reason you go ; 

 ou could only bamboozle a bunch of old jays 



By saying, "It helps my French so!" 



The Man 'Who Fills the Bill. 



"pear 

 famil 



sition and personal danger." Connected, too, with all the finest families 



"I see," said Miss Cayenne. "Your ideal Is a the town — 



baseball umpire." By telephone ; she was a "hello-girl." 



