HARDWOOD RECORD 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



A Seasonable Longing. 



Oh! I long for the day when we'll have, well 

 perfected, 

 A flying-machine that will curvet and soar 

 That a chap may climb into when worn or 

 dejected, 

 When he feels the old earth Is a troublesome 

 bore 

 Which he fain would escape from; sans guide- 

 books and maps, he'll 

 To some favored spot all reposeful repair. 

 Oh ! How gladly I'll welcome that day ; for, 

 perhaps, we'll 

 Be able to visit our castles in-air ! 



— Roy Farrell Greene. 



Saved from the Train. 



Bud Applegate was a-runnin' 

 An' I'm telling you no lie 



The hog he went a-snootin' round. 



Although he should have better know ; 



For there he was on the railroad track. 

 With the fast express train jest about due 



And all of a suddin there she come, 

 And the whistle gave an awful yell ; 



But the hog jest kept a-rootin' aroun', 

 And heeded not his funeral knell. 



that dad-burned hog, 

 both must die. 



Ihe hog went scootin' off the track. 



But I will have to state 

 riiat when that train did come along 



Twas the last of Applegate. 



The funeral's 



Broke Even. 



"How much did your 

 vacation cost you ?" 



"Figure it oat — I 

 spent $60 and gained 

 twel 



Nit! 

 Because a cat is not 

 fond of water it should 

 not be inferred that the 

 black cat order of Hoo- 

 Hoo is a prohibition 

 organization. 



Conservative Forestry. 



Make It Easy as 

 Possible. 



"Will you be 

 me while I'm gone?" 



"Of course, but don 

 be gone long, will you '^'^ 

 dear? ' 



Hoo-Hoo. 



Shakespeare mentions 

 "a harmless, necessary 

 cat." It's not to be 

 supposed the bard re- 

 ferred to Hoo-Hoo, but 

 it's yet to be deter- 

 mined that Hoo-Hoo Is 

 either harmless or 

 necessary. 



Slanderous. 



"Bilter says he isn't 

 going to drink a drop 

 while his wife is 

 away !" 



"That's queer, isn't 

 it?" 



"Well, yon know It 

 doesn't agree with him 

 anyhow, and that 



it least. 



Same Thing, 



A Worthy Substitute. 



If Hoo-Hoo does not 

 conclude to plant trees 

 on Arbor Day, it might 

 compromise by planting 

 AnlitMiser-Busches. 



An Innovation. 



The young preacher 

 officiating at his first 

 funeral wished to give 

 friends an opportunity 

 to view the remains, 

 and not liking the use 

 of hackneyed phrases, 

 announced : "The con- 



^regatio 

 pass 'rn 



i-ill 



man argues 

 with a woman it seems 

 that he doesn't know 

 what he Is talking 

 about — from her point 

 of view. 



" I always has ter shudder when going throo dese woods!" 

 "Whatfer?" 



" I'm afraid dese trees is too poor fer lumber, den tink vu all de wood here dats got ter be 

 sawed and split! " 



And Not Criticized. 

 There would be less 

 trouble in this world 

 if pooplf were only per- 

 mitted to be happy in 

 their own way. 



The Worm Turns. 



She bu: 



gown 

 town, 

 ndred dollars, 



The best in 

 Expends three hi 



WhUe hub, the w. rm. 



Can only squirm. 

 And turns bis cuffs and collars. 



— Hoo-Hoo Bulletin 



Could Eat, But Couldn't See. 

 A Parable. 



Ml day within the cannery 

 The Brown twins sit on chairs, 



Vnd laauy men walk rou. n that wa 

 To watch that pair pare ears. 

 In the drinking well 



Whicli the plumber built her 



A Helpmeet. 



A writer of verse tore his hair with a curse, 

 For never a word rhymed with month; 



But his lisping wife said, very tactlessly, "Fred, 

 You're a dunth ; I could find one at wontb." 



filter. 



buster. 



"Then 

 humorist, 

 track.s."— 



lid the trust- 



ihispercd the near- 



can show 

 as City .loui 



Helpful. 



hen the whole blamed world seems go 

 .\nd business Is on the hum, 

 two-cent grin and a lifted chin 

 Helps some, inv boy, helps some !— S 



