HARDWOOD RECORD 



A Hard Lesson in Softwood. 



When Charles Prehistoric of Ducktown 

 heard that there was going to be a hardwood 

 timber famine before many cycles had rolled 

 by, he decided that the thing for him to do 

 was to get rich quick. After pondering the 

 matter for some length he smiled broadly 

 several times. Then he drew $500 from his 

 bank and bought a measley little tract of 

 yellow pine timber property in Buncombe 

 county, near Duektown. Then he went into 

 the grafting business extensively. He cut out 

 a lot of the pine branches on said property 

 and grafted hickory, oak and poplar sprouts 

 upon the trees. 



Then he waited for several seasons, but 

 eventually inserted an ad in a trade paper for 

 a buyer of the property. Very quickly came 

 a buyer by the name of Smith to view the 

 timber. Smith was a liardwood lumber dealer 

 from Friendsvillc, and though quite shrewd 

 and sharp, never suspected others of being so. 

 As a result he bought the alleged hardwood 

 forest from Mr. Preliistoric without having 

 examined it minutely. He simply gazed down 

 upon it from a neighboring hillside, and 

 offered $5,000 for the buncli. 



Of course Prehistoric took him up at once, 

 and accepted the proposition on the spot, for 

 the deal exceeded his wildest expectations. 



■'Stung!' said Smith, when he finally 

 entered the forest for the first time and 

 observed the deception that had been prac- 



ticed upon him. "This certainly teaches mo 

 a lesson; I should have become more familiar 

 with the flora and fauna of my purchase. I 

 nm practically a beaten man! But I will not 

 be beaten long! I am honest as the days arc 

 long in June. But of course I can be sharp 

 "1 out of sorts when occasion demands." 



So grafting a moustache upon his counte- 

 nance be .«hut down his hardwood sawmill and 

 journeyed over to Duektown to see Mr. Pre- 

 historic again. Now Prehistoric was about to 

 build a fine residence with the proceeds of his 

 recent sale, and of course was in the market 

 for hardwood finish. 



"O Greetings, sir!'' said Smith, as he pre- 

 sented himself, disguised. "Can't I sell you 

 something in the way of fine hardwood trim? 



REVENGE IS SWKl 



I believe I can make you a better price than 

 anyone else." 



"Sure," said Prehistoric. "I want a couple 

 thousands worth. When can you f. o. b. it?" 



"At once, sir. But I should like to be 

 advanced $S00, which I shall need to get it 

 out." 



"Do you guarantee this lumber?" asked 

 Prehistoric. 



"Most certainly," said Smith. "I'll -write 

 you out a guarantee that it will be as good 

 as I could get out of the whole forest!" 



So Smith wrote the guarantee while Pre- 

 historic wrote the check. He seized it eagerly 

 and made tracks back to Friendsville to hasten 

 preparation of his $2,000 order. He planed 

 alleged hardwood floors, he built up hardwood 

 panels, and eventually had it f. o. b. car at 

 Friendsville. Then he procured a can of 

 paint and a big brush. 



"Revenge is sweet!" he muttered, as he 

 liedeekcd the side of the car with the legend — 



TO CHARLES PREHISTORIC, : 



DUCKTOWN. : 



: HARDWOOD LUMBER FROM THE : 



: FOREST SOLD TO SMITH BY : 



: PREHISTORIC. : 



Then Smith smiled vehemently and said 

 aloud that he had been taught a salutary 

 lesson, and it would be a cold day in January 

 ^^-hen he would get beaten again in such a 

 manner. 



"What docs salutary mean?"' asked the fore- 

 man. 



"It means getting a hard lesson on soft 

 lumber!" loplied Smith. — G. D, Janes. 



NeWs Miscellany. 



The Hoo-Hoo Annual. 



Within a fow days Chicago will have the 

 pleasure of eDtertainlDg visiting Hoo-Hoo 

 brethren from all parts of the United States 

 and Canada, gathered to attend the seventeenth 

 annual, Sept. 8 to 11. Most of the arrange- 

 ments have been completed, and it Is planned by 

 the Chicago contingent to give the visitors the 

 best the city affords. 



August 4 the general committee which Is pre- 



paring for the gathering met at the Audi- 

 torium hotel. It was shown that the liuancial 

 end of the work is progressing in good shape, 

 and the gentlemen in charge of this important 

 part of the arrangements say that when the 

 visitors arrive they will be in position to show 

 them the time of tlieir Hoo-Hoo lives. 



As previously announced, the Auditorium 

 hotel will be the headquarters for the business 

 meetings and tlie general rondezvous. Kates at 

 Ihis hotel have been scruiofl as follows : 



irinioniiM noTn;r. ANn annex, noo-iioo ni-AnQrAHTi:i!S 



