14 



THE HARDWOOD RECORD. 



was not tciuptoU by tin- value of tbc flsb. 

 Tbey iiiubTstiHiil tliiil. I'lit I wmit to iis- 

 Bur«» tbi> i-niio iiiul riaKnimblo luon tbiit 

 KiK-li was not tlic ciisc. My frli-nJ cnuUl 

 liavo UuiKlit nn enllro ll«h ninrkot nt iiny 

 tluic wltliout producing nny notlconblo ef- 

 fect on bis bank nccounf. to say notbint; 

 of Ills boldlnir* of real estate and n couple 

 of bumlred fbousiuids lnviste<l In furniture 

 nir.nufinturluB. It wiisiit llie value of tlio 

 nsli, and 1 don't know nnytbint; sbort of 

 hinncy tliat would tciiipt a staltl and re- 

 s|MHtable citizen— but there, I'll hasten on 

 lo Ibe llnale and you may Judge for your- 

 self. 



Of course nshint; In the lajroon was risky 

 nnil could only be Induluetl In early of a 

 morning when the park was comparatively 

 <leserted. and by keeping a sharp lookout 

 for the park police. Twice be was chasinl 

 by olfleers. but nianageil to get away. 



It Is curious, too, the effect which bis 

 lawless practices bad upon bis mental at- 

 titude toward the law and Its representa- 

 tives. He grew to consider tne police bis 

 natural enemies. 



After he hail been chased by the police 

 he took to going out on bis bicycle. He 

 ■would ride around until he came to an 

 available spot, dismount from his wheel 

 and recline on the bank of the lagoon, as 

 tlioiigh resting. Then be would fish slyly 

 and fill his pockets, until be saw someone 

 approaching, when be would mount his 

 wheel and ride away. 



The police got "onto" his little peculiar- 

 ity, however, but hesitated to arrest him 

 without tbey could catch blm red-banded, 

 because of his being a wealthy and prom- 

 ieent citizen. Hut tbey watched him so 

 closely tliat be concludeil to try a now- 

 field. 



A couple of miles from where be lived 

 was another park, another lagoon, and, 

 supposedly, another and unsuspecting 

 force of policemen. So one morning he 

 arose, as was bis custom, at 4:30, donned 

 bis fishing coat, which is all one big pocket, 

 and rode away for the other park. 



It happened, however, that only a few- 

 days i)rcviously a policeman bad been 

 transferred from the first park to the sec- 

 ond, and he saw my friend enter the park 

 on his wheel. He did not attempt to fol- 

 low and catch him, but waite<l about until 

 he saw- him returning. Tlion he hid be- 

 hind a lilac bush by the roadway, and 

 when my friend came wheeling leisurely 

 along, suspecting nothing, be sprang be- 

 fore blm, straddled his front wheel, and 

 my friend, the bicycle and the policeman 

 all came to the ground together. As 

 quickly as they could, my friend and the 

 policeman disentangled themselves and 

 arose. Both are big, pow-erful men, both 

 are German and both were very angry. 



"Tou big camel!" shouted the policeman 

 in German. 



"You sheepsheadi" shouted my friend, 

 and he was so threatening in his attitude 

 that the policeman blew a whistle and 



called two brother olllcers to bis asHlst- 

 iMice. Between them tbey escortetl blm t6 

 a patrol box, called a wagon and bad you 

 been favorably situated you might have 

 Kci'n on that morning one of Cblcngo'H 

 well-known consumers of liar»lwo<Kl lum- 

 ber taking a ride In "the wagon" to an ac- 

 companiment of (Jerman profanity. 



He was fined $5 and costs, which be 

 piild, and bis fishing tackle and fish were 

 conllscatwl. 



"1 don't gare," he said. In conclusion. 

 "J>ose dunderhead boliceman don't know 

 It all yet. I got me some new schemes." 



And, In spite of all I said to blm. I'm 

 blest if I don't believe he Is at It again'. 



Now if you can account for a stiiid ami 

 respectable citizen doing such tricks on 

 any other grounds than a mild form of 

 luna<y, I'd like lo know what they are. 



Hut the funny part of it Is that prob- 

 ably nine flsbermen out of ten will justify 

 his conduct and would, under the same 

 conditions, act In the same lawless man- 

 ner. 



AN EXTRAORDINARY PAIR OF 

 TROUSERS. 



Since being elected secretary of the Na- 

 tional Ilardwootl Lumber Association I 

 have purchasetl a new pair of trousers, 

 feeling that it is due the new position that 

 I present as respectable an appearance as 

 possiljle. 



I gave the matter considerable thought 

 before making the purchase. 1 flatter my- 

 self that I proceeded in a thoroughly log- 

 ical manner and that 1 aui not to blame 

 that the "results" are out of the ordinary. 



I first made up my mind that it was 

 necessary that I should make the addition 

 to my wardrobe. It did not take me long 

 to do this. A'iewed in the light of my new 

 position the old trousers w-ould not do at 

 all. I will not enter into particulars as to 

 why they w-ould not do. Let it suffice at 

 this time to state that they would not do. 

 • Once my mind w-as made up that they 

 would not do the matter of buying a new 

 pair became vital. Having my mind firmly 

 made up to act and at once, the ne.xt 

 question was as to what kind ol trousers 

 I should buy. 



I'ride. or rather vanity, suggested that 

 I go to a tailor and buy a really 

 handsome garment, something that would 

 be not only useful but ornamental. I 

 talked myself out of that, however. I do 

 not want my old friends, who w-ere my 

 friends when I was only a private citizen, 

 to get the impression that I am growing 

 inoud or endeavoring to erect a barrier be- 

 tween us, and 1 feared that a flamboyant 

 liair of trousers might deter them from 

 approaching me in the free and friendly 

 manner o'f old times, which are so dear to 

 me. Then, too, such a pair of trousers 

 would make my coat and vest look shabby, 

 and it is a good coat and vest, showing 

 scarcely any wear at all, and although a 

 trifle heavy for summer wear, I can make 



tbcin do by RoInK wltliout a vest In very 

 warm weather. So I abandoiiitl the Idea 

 of an expensive tailor-inadi> garment, al 

 though I illd It ri'gn-l fully, for I have al 

 ways bad it In iny mind to lit uiysi-lf out 

 Houietime or another without regani foi 

 anything but adornment. 



Then I thougbt of piirBulng my usual 

 custom when a pair of trousers become 

 necessary, of going to some reliable' 

 clothier and selecting a garment wblili 

 would answer all purposes at a cost of 

 .<.'l or .«!. rinally. after considering all IIm 

 luteri'sts iuvolviHlT I pun-basi-d a rea<l.\ 

 made garment, wbl<4i cost me ,f(i, aiul I 

 want to tell you al«iut It. 



I llnd myself embarra88e<l as to whether 

 I sball use the singular or plural pronoun 

 In speaking of "It" or "them." but never 

 mind tliat now. 



Tbey are of some hard, smooth flnlsbwl 

 goods, with small alternating stripes of 

 black and gray, with Just a little dash of 

 purjile. I bought them because they ar<' 

 neat and modest looking, and guaranteed 

 to III- all wool. And yet they are a very 

 extraordinary pair of trousers, with pe 

 culiarilies for which I cannot account and 

 which justify me In taking the matter up 

 in this public manner. 



When I stand tbey apparently fit me 

 very well, except that they are a trifle 

 long, which I do not object to, for the fad 

 that for some unaccountable reason my 

 trousers have, heretofore, almost in- 

 variably been too short. It Is only when I 

 sit down that these new trousers show that 

 they are different. 



In spite of the fact that they are a trifle 

 long when I am standing, when I sit and 

 stretch my legs a trifle to relieve the ten- 

 sion of the cloth, the bottoms of the trous- 

 ers are half way to my knees. It is the 

 most peculiar thing I ever saw, where that 

 extra length goes. I have sat down slowly, 

 keeping a sharp eye on the trousers. In an 

 ende.-ivor to see what becomes of that six 

 Indies of trousers leg, but I can't solve 

 the problem. Ulest if it doesn't beat me. 



Another peculiarity of these extraor- 

 dinary trousers is that while they fit me 

 very smoothly about the waist and hips 

 when I am standing, when I am seated I 

 have a whole lapful of surplus goods. 

 Where that cloth comes from is a mystery. 



I have experimente<l in this matter, too. 

 When I stand everything is smooth and 

 comparatively snug, but the instant I begin 

 to assume a sitting posture that surplus 

 cloth begins to accumulate, and by the 

 time I am comfortably seated. It seems that 

 nearly one-fourth of the goods used In the 

 construction of the trousers is lying loosly 

 in my lap. I have examined the texture 

 of this loose cloth and lind it the same in 

 everj- particular as the other portions of 

 the trousers, but where it comes from is a 

 mystery. 



Had I lived in the olden times and had 

 such an experience, I should jwobably have 

 considered the trousers bewitched. In this 



