HARDWOOD RECORD 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



On the Elevated. 

 A pretty girl starts up the stairs, 



She stops to grasp her clothes. 

 You follow, gaze, and see perhaps 



An inch or two of hose. 



But he who sees the pretty sights 

 When girls climb stairs hip-hop. 



Is not the guy who walks behind. 

 But he who's at the top! 



A Career. 

 He started in in early life 



To do the best he could; 

 Avoiding all unseemly strife 



And trying to be good. 

 And though sometimes without avail 



He sought the narrow way, 

 In one thing he would never fail. 



He always drew his pay, 



— PHiL.i, Press. 



Alike. 

 Said Cholly to his Summer Girl 



"My dear, you've pretty hose. 

 But when you hold your skirts like that 



A little too much shows." 



"I'm sure I have a perfect right " 



"Oh, as to that," said he, 

 "The left is perfect, too, my dear. 



As far as I can see !" — W. of O. 



Slippery. 

 There is said to 

 be plenty of room 

 at the top, but what 

 a deueedly slippery 

 place it is! 



Very True. 



If some men's con- 

 sciences were placed 

 on ice, the ice would 

 be spoiled. 



Incontrovertible. 



The man who de- 

 liberately deceives 

 himself is hopeless- 

 ly foolish. 



Virtues. 

 A virtue ceases to 

 be one as soon as 

 one boasts about it. 



To-day. 



It is not wise to 

 pass up the certainty 

 of to-day for the un- 

 certainty of tomor- 

 row. 



Easy. 

 When a man is 

 driven to drink he 

 never stops until he 

 gets there. 



Isn't It? 

 It is the easiest 

 thing in the world 

 to convince the av- 

 erage man that he is 

 far above the aver- 

 age. 



Chief Aid. 

 The woman who 

 makes a fool out of 

 a man simply acts 

 as Nature's assist- 

 ant. 



A DIFFICULT PROBLEM. 



mx m. 



Dimension Stock Man— They say fig'ures won't lie. Plain firsts and seconds oak is 

 surely worth forty-three dollars at Chicago ; it costs two dollars to cut it up, 

 and it shows a waste of fifteen to twenty per cent.; and clear dimension stock 

 that has no waste figures out to be worth only twenty-five dollars a thousand ! 

 There certainly must be something- wrong- with the figures. 



Wants to Know. 



Most men try both 

 evils in order to de- 

 cide which is the 

 lesser. 



Science. 

 Science plays queer 

 tricks; it makes be- 

 lievers of doubters 

 and doubters of be- 

 lievers. ' 



Every Day Experi- 

 ence. 



It often happens 

 that the less a man 

 knows, the longer it 

 takes to tell it. 



Sad. 



Once upon a time 

 there was a man 

 who tried to serve 

 two masters — and he 

 was arrested for big- 

 amy. 



Ask Wagstatf. 



The proof of the 

 newness of a story 

 is the manner in 

 which the auditors 

 look at each other 

 and say nothing. 



Great Talent. 

 After one sees a 

 mother successfully 

 steer her baby car- 

 riage through a 

 crowd, he is not sur- 

 prised at the ability 

 women show as 

 chauffeurs. 



Isn't It So? 



Most men think 

 their neighbors have 

 no right to hold 

 wrong; views. 



Overdraws. 



The man who believes the world owes 

 him a living invariably overdraws his ac- 

 count. 



The Stupidity of It. 



If one pretends to be good, the world 



takes him very seriously; if he pretends to 



be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding 

 stupidity of optimism. 



Refutation of Slander. 



.4.ny woman can keep a secret — if she has 

 been properly chloroformed. 

 Push. 



Fortune's great wheel revolves for the 

 man who puts his shoulder to it. 



Does His Part. 



The man who is a howling success invaria- 

 bly takes measures to keep you advised of it. 



Usually. 



The man who argues that money is the 

 root of all evil' is usually broke. 



The Preacher's Fault. 



The parson is responsible for ending so 

 many pleasant engagements. 



'Twas Ever Thus. 



Just as a man clutches for fame, his pipe 

 goes out. 



