HARDWOOD RECORD 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



Optimism. 

 It's easy enough to be pleasant 



When you've much o'er which to gloat. 

 But the man worth while 

 Is the one who can smile 

 When his collar saws his throat. 



Constancy. 



The constant drip of water 



Wears away the hardest stone, 

 And the lover who keeps asking 



.May .secure her as his own : 

 .But the man who boasts forever 



Of the things he means to do, 

 Will, unless be acts, be only 



A might-have-been when tbrongh. 



A Paradox. 



'I'liere is man who never drinks 

 Nor smokes, nor chews, nor swears, 



Nor does he gamble in the least, 

 And shuns all sinful snares — 



He's paralyzed. — W. oi- O. 



Did It Ever? 



It is singular that 

 it does not occur to 

 people that the easiest 

 way to do a thing 

 is to do it right. 



Different Ways. 



Some men do all 

 the talking with 

 their mouths; others' 

 give their money a 

 chance to say a word 

 occasionally. 



True. 



If a man is a gen- 

 tleman he knows 

 quite enough; if he 

 is not a gentleman 

 whatever he knows 

 is bad for him. 



Eternal Vigilance. 



Eternal vigilance is 

 not only the price of 

 liberty, but of every- 

 thing else that is 

 worth having. 



A Public Temptation. 



By persistently re- 

 maining single a man 

 converts himself into 

 a permanent public 

 temptation. 



Does Not Follow. 



A good man may 

 be a great man, but 

 all great men are not 

 good men. 



Cheap. 

 A good ox yoke 

 costs $6; a matri- 

 monial yoke can be 

 had at a cost of $2. 



Arguments. 



Arguments should 

 be avoided; they are 

 always vulgar and 

 often convincing. 



THE SPITE FENCE. 



UNCIiE SAU : Perhaps I am growing- a little grouchy with advancing years but I 

 had no idea that I was getting to be an out-and-out bad neighbor! 



Clever vs. Stupid. 

 Clever people never 

 listen and stupid peo- 

 ple never talk. 



A Bad Woman. 



A bad woman is the 

 sort of woman a man 

 never gets tired of. 



Twins. 



Laziness and mis- 

 directed philosophy 

 are invariably twins. 



Monstrous. 



It is perfectly 

 shocking the way 

 people go about now- 

 adays saying things 

 about their neigh- 

 bors, behind their 

 backs, that are abso- 

 lutely and entirely 

 true. 



Poor Remedy. 



Trying to cure the 

 blues by painting 

 things red. 



Dangerous Weapon. 



In the hands of 

 many men the pen is 

 more dangerous than 

 the sword. 



Saving Money. 

 It 's not the hole 

 in the bottom of the 

 pocket, but the one 

 at the top, through 

 which you lose most 

 of your money. 



His Inning. 



The Devil smiles 

 when he hears a 

 man exaggerate. 



Money. 



Money don 't sit 

 around on low lumber 

 piles when it talks. 



The Secret. 



When a woman is devoted to a cooking 

 school it is prima facie evidence that she has 

 a grudge against her husband. 



Isn't in It. 

 The lumberman who is constitutionally 

 profane has to take to the tall timber when 

 the patient man begins to say things. 



Evidence. 



When a man addresses his wife as "Say, 

 you," it is safe to assume that they have 

 been married more than six months. 



Knows His Business. 



Marriages are planned in Heaven — and 

 the wise bachelor waits until he gets to 

 headquarters. 



Sure Thing. 



It 's a singular thing that while heat ex- 

 pands and cold contracts^ debts contract just 

 as fast in hot weather as they do in cold. 



Demonstratable. 



It 's dollars to doughnuts that the man who 

 alleges that all perfect women are deaf, dumb 

 and blind is a bachelor who has been jilted. 



