i6 



THE HARDWOOD RECORD. 



Strode's Stuff. 



Bemiuiscent. 



Uere I am again. 

 You can't lose me. 



There is nothing in my philosophy that 

 tells you what to tie if you get lost. But 

 what would you do? Ah! There's the rub. 

 What would you do without me to advise 

 you, and counsel you, and tell you what 

 to do about things? 



The Hardwood Eecord used to be a fun- 

 ny kinil of a lumber paper. It used to 

 make me laugh. But I don't care. We 

 used to have a lot of fun anyhow, — and 

 that 's the main thing, — that, and making 

 money. I always advised you to make 

 money. Time and again I have so advised 

 you. If any of my friends got out of 

 work I immediately tried to get them 

 something to do. I like to see my friends 

 employed, for in work man finds his great- 

 est happiness. I want all of mj' friends to 

 be happy. Besides, if they are well em- 

 ployed at good wages they will not grudge 

 an occasional loan. 



I know iu work there is happiness. In 

 this respect I have practiced great self- 

 denial. I have not done a day's work in 

 years; and I am proud of the fact. I am 

 proud of the strength of character which 

 enables me to go ahead and deny myself so 

 much happiness. It shows that I have a 

 noble soul. 



Of course I have come around and called 

 upon you occasioiuilly. I did this because 

 I enjoyed it, — every minute of the time. 

 And J had passes on the railroads and had 

 to use them. But work! not on your life. 



Of course if you insisted on dragging in 

 the subject of advertising, — bringing busi- 

 ness uji iu a social call, — I couldn't help 

 that. I didn 't try. I just closed it up as 

 quickly as possible and thereby relieved 

 your mind. Then we could enjoy ourselves. 



Of course in the old days I had to write 

 up the paper of nights and Sundays, but I 

 didn't work. I enjoy doing this. It's fun, 

 — but work! perish the thought. 



It is more or less vulgar to work. It 

 shows you are trying to be hapjiy; and to 

 be happy is vulgar. You bet I wouldn 't 

 be happy. The common herd of money 

 grubbers is happy. No! I stood serene and 

 lofty and refused to obtain happiness by re- 

 course to any such means. I have not 

 worked for ten years. I do not advise you 

 to follow my example. Let me suffer alone. 



When we went to move the office to our 

 new quarters some strange and wondrous 

 things turned up. Old copies of the Hard- 

 wood Record appeared with articles in them 

 I had written and forgotten, and had writ- 

 ten them over and over again. I had nn 

 idea that I had told the same stories so of- 

 ten until I looked over the old files; and 

 saw dead, gone and forgotten calendars of 

 the year 1897, and so on. And among other 

 things was 



A Check Perforator. 



WTaen we started the Hardwood Record 

 I was given my choice of positions, and 

 took charge of the bank account. There 

 was no danger that my signature would 

 be counterfeited. Nobody else could make 

 a check look like I could. I wasn't afraid 

 of that. The trouble was the banker could 

 not tell what it meant. He knew of course 

 that it was a check for some small amount. 

 It had to be, but he never knew how much 

 to pay out on it. It might have been 

 "two" dollars or "ten" dollars. They 

 used to bring them around to me after- 

 wards, as if I knew more about them than 

 anybody else, but I couldn't help them any. 

 I am not a hand-writing expert, and I have 

 turned things loose in the shape of hand- 

 writing that were absolutely untranslatable. 

 People seem to think that because I wrote 

 them I could read them, when it doesn't 

 follow at all. I can't come any nearer do- 

 ing that than anybody else. It is unrea- 

 sonaVile to expect it. Then there was a 

 dis])osition on the part of certain ones, — 

 I'll mention no names, — to hold those little 

 checks as souvenirs and curiosities, there- 

 by balling things up. So I turned the 

 check book over to Kimball. My dream of 

 glory was at an end. 



But Kimball could make out checks to 

 beat the band. He writes a copperplate 

 hand, and by the time he had a check made 

 out, and dated, and dotted, and signed 

 with a flourish, it was a fine check, and I 

 was proud of it. Vanderbilt couldn't make 

 a nicer check tkan thiat. It looked as 

 though we had money in the bank, — lots of 

 it. When he got the perforator it added the 

 finishing touch. 



\ check perforator, — you know what a 

 check perforator is? It's a sort of a din- 

 gus to prevent your check being raised. 

 Well, one day while Kimball was in a trance 

 somebody came in and sold him one. Its 

 chief attraction was that it didn't cost 

 much. It was only .$.5.00, which was dirt 

 cheap, Kimball said. And he studied it, 

 and practiced with it, until he had dollar 

 marks and figures jninched on everything 

 about the place. 



Wlien he got to making out checks and 

 perforating them, I was proud of Uim, — 

 prouder than I have been at any other time. 

 "Kimbnll is making out checks" I said to 

 myself, and I felt soothed and comforted. 

 And when he got a check all made out and 

 perforated I tell you it was a thing of 

 beauty. 



One day I asked him what was the. real 

 use of the perforator. 



"Why," he said, "it's to keep a check 

 from being raised. There arc mean men in 

 the world who would not hesitate to raise 

 a check from seven dollars to seven hun- 

 dred, and get the money on it, — maybe." 



Now if any mean, low-down pup should 



have raised a check of ours over ten dollars, 

 I can imagine the kind of a shock he would 

 have got at the bank. He wouldn't have 

 got much else but he'd have got a shock. 

 Kimball got tired of using the cheek per- 

 forator after a while, and stored it among 

 the rubbish. 



How We Did Things Without Tools. 



The check perforator episode reminds me 

 that there was scarcely a thing in the old 

 Record office that we should have had that 

 we did have. 



"Where is the reference library?" was 

 one of the first things that was asked. I 

 never was so ashamed in my life. We 

 hadn 't a thing, not even a dictionary. Time 

 and again I have told Kimball to get some- 

 thing or other, but he never did. He pre- 

 tended to bo hard up, and things of that 

 kind. 



So we had to blunder along and guess at 

 things. I'm a pretty good guesser as a 

 general thing, and when I did not know 

 how to spell a word, and the stenographer 

 didn't know, and nobody happened in who 

 did, I just slurred it over and let the print- 

 ers figure it out. And I tell you they did 

 mighty well. Printers are wonderful people, 

 and they have my respect. Ocasioually I 

 got things mixed and tlic stenographer and 

 the proofreader wouldn't catch the mistake 

 and it would go through. 



Getting Names Tangled. 



For instance, if there is one man with 

 whose history I ain familiar, it is Stephen 

 Girard, but I always got him mixed up with 

 Peter Cooper, and in an article in a recent 

 issue I called him "Peter" Girard, and 

 nobody caught the mistake, and it went 

 through. 



And I was liable at any tinu' to forget 

 Sam Burkholder 's first nfime, and call him 

 "Stephen" Burkliolder, or "Peter" Burk- 

 holder. Now Peter Cooper founded Cooper 

 Institute, Stephen Girard founded Girard 

 college and Sam Burkholder founded the 

 Indiana Hardwood Lumbermen 's Associa- 

 tion. They are a good deal alike, but Coop- 

 er and Girard are dead, and Burkholder is 

 alive. So Sam takes precedence. 



But wo should have had a dictionary at 

 least, — ^^I can see that now. M.v humilia- 

 tion was complete one day when someone 

 called for one. I was forced to acknowl- 

 edge that we had none. I hustled around 

 and brought out the HooHoo book, and 

 Nelse Cladding's treatises on Atkins' saws, 

 and a lot of calendars, but they didn't seem 

 to fill the bill. I was terribly huniiliateil. 

 I shall never forgive Kimball. 



Speaking of Sam Burkholder and the 

 Indiana Hardwood Association reminds mc 

 that they are to have their annual meeting 

 on Jan. 19th, and I am going down there 

 to report it for the new Hardwood Record. 

 I had that understood before I would put 

 my name to anything, and I have a signed 

 contract to report every meeting of the 

 Indiana Hardwood Association as long as 

 1 live. After I made that deal it was all 



