14 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



I felt in uiT pocket — the speech wasn't 

 there. Then I felt in all my pockets, but 

 no speech. Then I remembered sending the 

 papers to Chicago, and I realized what I had 

 done, and that my speech was probably two 

 or three hundred miles on its way. 



Then a panic seized me. Here was the 

 Memphis Club expecting a speech. They 

 were entitled to it. And my mind was a 

 perfect blank. I could not even trust to 

 my memory to recite the poem, and the 

 time was drawing very near. Whatever was 

 done, would need to be done quickly. So 1 

 slipped out of the room, jotted down the 

 first line of each stanza of the poem and 

 came back, and had about two seconds to 

 get the first line of what I intended to say 

 firmly fixed in my mind, until my brain could 

 get to work; from that time, I must trust 

 to luck. 



George Burgess sat by my side, and when 

 I told him of my loss and asked hjim what 

 to do, he sympathized with and encouraged 

 me by saying, "Go ahead and get started; 

 we '11 help you out. ' ' 



And then the Toastmaster was introducing 

 me as "Mr. Strode, of the Chicago Hard- 

 wood Record," and George Burgess was 

 pushing me to my feet. 



The table looked to me to be a mile long, 

 and I noticed a tendency on the part of 'the 

 audience at the far end to go up and down. 



"Mr. Toastmaster," I began. 



[Voices at the other end of table: 

 ' ' Louder, louder ! ' '] 



"How do you fellows know how loud I'm 

 going to talk until I say something," I 

 continued. "I am liable to break loose here, 

 and make a lot of noise." 



Somebody laughed. The table shortened 

 up considerably, and I noticed that I was 

 surrounded by friendly, smiling faces. Then 

 all bets were off. My audience was with 

 me. I expeiienced a rush of words to the 

 head, and I set myself seriously to make a 

 speech. 



"I do not know why I am assigned the 

 subject 'How to run a lumber business,' ex- 

 cept on the theory that a man can talk the 

 best about that of which he knows least. 

 The tendency of all knowledge is to teach 

 man his own insignificance, and the man who 

 believes that he is insignificant can't make 

 a speech. It is only theorists and men with 

 hobbies, those who have always been failures, 

 that can tell you how to succeed. 

 New Bible Version. 



"One thing about which Mr. Palmer has 

 spoken so eloquently is inspection. You 

 must have inspection rules to do a success- 

 ful lumber business. It was not always so, 

 in the days when Noah built the ark — I came 

 pretty nearly saying that Moses built the 

 ark, but it wasn't he; it was Moses who hid 

 in the bulrushes. He was a great man, 

 was Mosre, but he didn't build the ark. He 

 probably would have done so if he had 

 thought about it. You see Pharaoh, Herod, or 

 icnifV.ndv, hrid commanded that all the first- 



born be slain, and the blood be sprinkled 

 over the threshold ; and on the doors where 

 there was a first-born, it was to be marked 

 with red chalk. Wheie there was no first- 

 horn — where the second child was born first, 

 they didn 't mark them. You see it was all 

 a scheme to catch Moses, — but Mose, he hid 

 in the bulrushes, and escaped, and he livedo 

 to lead the people up out of the land of 

 Kgypt, and had a song written about it. It 

 goes like this: 



"Go down there, Moses — 

 Way down in Egypt land. 

 And tell old Pharoah 

 To let my people go. 



"But to go back to Noah, and back of 

 him to the inspection rule. 



"When Noah built the ark — I never knew 

 what his other name was, Webster, or some- 

 thing like that — he was known to everybody 

 as Noah — just plain Noah. When he built 

 the ark the only commercial wood known was 

 the cedars of Lebanon, and methods then 

 were very crude. When a man had got out 

 a piece of timber by hand, and transported it 

 several miles on his back to Mount Ararat — 

 r.o, it wasn 't Mount Ararat either, that was 

 ifhere it descended, and they sent out a dove 

 which never came back, but went over into 

 the land of Nod and begat somebody. No, 

 that isn't light either! Jumping a man up 

 this way and expecting him to have all his 

 Bible history at his fingers' ends, when he 

 has not been an active participant in Sunday 

 schools since he lost his faith in Santa Claus, 

 i<* too much. It is unreasonable to expect 

 it. I don't know where the ark was built! 



[George Burgess, in hoarse aside, ' ' The 

 River Jordan."] 



"Mr. Burgess says the Eiver Jordan, but 

 I think he is wrong. The River Jordan is 

 where John the Baptist descended unto and 

 crossed over, and was gone into the wilder- 

 ness forty days and nights, with no food save 

 a few wild asses and honey. But the ark 

 wasn 't built there. Indeed, it is not mate- 

 rial where it was built. It was somewhere 

 rot far from the forests of Lebanon, and 

 after a man had got out" a piece of timber 

 by hand and carried it on his back for sev- 

 eral miles, if it had to be inspected, Noah 

 would have thrown most of it out for culls. 

 The man would have resented this and Noah 

 would have had a strike on his hands, and 

 they would have had to postpone the flood. 

 Inspection Kules Dug Up. 



"I have been reading recently of some 

 dead and buried city which has just been 

 uncovered. I have forgotten the name of 

 the city, 



[Mr. Burgess, in an aside, "Cairo, 111."] 



"Mr. Burgess suggests that it was Cairo, 

 111. When I started this speech Mr. Burgess 

 kindly offered to help me out if I got stuck, 

 for which I am very grateful; but in this 

 instance he is wrong, and, besides, Cairo, 

 111, is not a dead and buried city. It has 

 only got the dry rot. 



"As I said, I was reading about the dis- 

 covery of a dead and buried city. Among 



the debris was discovered a series of stone 

 tablets covered with writing; there were de- 

 tached words which were translatable, but 

 taken as a whole, they made no sense. They 

 didn't seem to mean anything or rather they 

 were capable of almost any construction. 

 This has led a good many people to think 

 that they were a set of Inspection Rules, 

 They never could have become popular, how- 

 ever, for an inspector to travel about the 

 country taking up lumber, and being followed 

 by six or seven yoke of cattle hauling a set 

 of Inspection Rules to be read by the unso- 

 phisticated would never be largely popular. 

 It is only since the art of printing has made 

 a neat and compact volume of a set of In- 

 spection Rules, which a lumberman may con- 

 ceal about his person and still pass himself 

 off for a gentleman, and which are changed 

 every time the moon changes, that Inspection 

 Rules have become really popular. 



' ' And now, Mr. Toastmaster, I wisli to 

 thank you for this entertainment. I am glad 

 to be in Memphis. It is like getting back 

 home. I have here all that is left of my 

 original poeni on Memphis, which I will 

 read as a fitting climax to my effort: 



'O Memphis, thou city at the riyei's bend. 

 Where southern hospitality flows without end ; 

 Where the smoke o£ many factories cloud the 



sky, 

 .\nd the nigger with his mule goes clattering by. 



"Thou hast well deserved thine ancient name. 

 To which thou bast added a newer, brighter 



fame ; 

 'Hiou hast given other cities the solar ple.vus 



punch, 

 'Jhou art the warmest city In the bvmch. 



"Thou wouldst make the monk forget his vows. 



Thou wouldst make the dairyman forget bis 

 cows ; 



Thou wouldst make a plighted maid forget her 

 ring. 



And a poor newspaper man forget 'most every- 

 thing. 



"But when all is ended aud this life Is o'er, 

 When at last we reach the golden shore : 

 I'll be content. I'll do no more than sigh. 

 If they'll let me go to Memphis when I die. 



"If I may meet the friends I know there now. 



We'll contrive to pass eternity some way, some- 

 how. 



If they'll let us sit In Luehrmann's and clink 

 our glasses. 



Whilst the merry quip and funny story passes, 



"And as we our hands In pleasant memory grip. 

 As we our ghostly nectar from ghostly goblets 



sip ; 

 And while Ed Taenzer's gentle spirit hovers 



o'er, 

 I'll repay George Burgess then — maybe before." 



Charles D. Strode, 



Big Log Jam On the Move, 

 WiNCHESTKK, Kv., Feb 24. — [Special tele- 

 gram.] — This morning there was a foot rise In 

 the Kentucky river. The great log Jam has 

 moved In front of Irvine, and Is now part be- 

 low and part above Lock No. 11. twenty-three 

 miles above Ford. 



The thick ice below Lock No. 11 has checked 

 the progress of the great mass of logs. The 

 river is alive with men and boats preparing 

 for the run. The booms have been cleared, and 

 every precaution has been taken to save the 

 logs and prevent damage. 



