HARDWOQD RECORD 



II 



Vert, Vertinent and Impertinent. 



Figure It Out. 



.lust decide right here to be good. 



Tor you well know that every one should ; 



Pe virtuous and happy. 



At least never be nappy. 

 And then you can do what yon would. 



An Ideal Man. 



That man shall flourish like the trees 

 Which by the streamlets grow ; 



The fruitful tup is spread on high. 

 And Arm the root below. 



— Buuss. 



Be Kind to Ma. 



She is so homely you'd think she would smother. 

 And her back view is just like her brother ; 



Her eyes are both bent. 



And her uose is a dent ; 

 But then "She's so good to her mother." 



The Home. 



Some ■wise maB de- 

 clares that the home 

 is the place wher? we 

 are treated best and 

 kicked the most. 



New Buyer From Bos- 

 ton. 

 Berry Bean — 1 

 came out to Indiana 

 on purpose to see 

 some of your famous 

 quarter s'awed oak 

 trees. 



Honest Hoosier — 

 Eight sorry can't 

 please you, but the 

 fact is there's been 

 no tide in the Cum- 

 berland for six 

 months. 



Compensation. 



Wealth may not 

 bring happiness, but 

 think of the memory 

 it shuts out. 



Betrayal of Trust. 



It is alleged that 

 Lew Doster, secretary 

 of the Hardwood 

 Manufacturers ' Asso- 

 ciation, cured a cold 

 last week with syrup 

 of white pine tar. If 

 such is the case he 

 ought to be dis- 

 eiplined. Why couldn't 

 he have taken oil of 

 black birch or wood 

 alcohol, and remained 

 true to the hardwood 

 industry? 



of 



■What's the Good. 



When nobody's 

 looking few men c.ire 

 a rap about posing £s 

 heroes. 



THE TALKING OAK. 



["According to the traditions of the Egyptians * * * the extensive grove that sur- 

 rounded Jupiter's temple was endowed with a gift oj prophecy, and oracles were frequently 

 delivered by the sacred oaks." — Lempriere'» Classical Diclionary, 2y27.] 



Isn't It True? 



Unfortunately when 

 a man is called upon 

 to sidestep temptition 

 he usually yoes lame. 



The Oak— I am king- of the forest. 



The Iiumber Buyer— Great Scott! I've heard of talking- oaks before, but for 

 Heaven's sake just whisper that price! 



Acme of Cruelty. 



The extremest cruel- 

 ty is fostering the 

 good - for - nothing at 

 the expense of the 

 good. 



A Dlflference. 



ilrs. Osborne, the 

 famous New York 

 dressmaker, says: "A 

 woman may make her- 

 self look very smart 

 for $400." 



A man can make 

 himself look like a 

 lobster for $4. 



Color Doesn't Count. 



Painting the town 

 red cannot be regard- 

 ed as one of the car- 

 dinal virtues. 



Not Purchasable. 



If a man is on the 

 square, it is impossi- 

 ble to buy him off. 



A Happy Man. 



The individual who 

 is too busy to find 

 fault is indeed a hap- 

 py man. 



Make No Mistake. 

 Do not imagine that 

 a man can talk on any 

 subject simply be- 

 cause he does. 



Occasionally of 'Value. 

 A little law, like a 

 little learning, is a 

 dangerous thing. 

 However, the man 

 who knows enough 

 law to avoid it is for- 

 tunate. 



Peace Prevailed. 



Clint Crane, the big Cincinnati lumberman, 

 retired early the other night in the sleeper at 

 Louisville, homeward bound. About midnight 

 his peaceful slumbers were disturbed by the 

 loud talking of a passenger ■who had just 

 blown into the Pullman, and whose verbal 

 pyrotechnics were directed against a sleeping 

 car in which the berths were not of a suifie- 



ient length to accommodate a full-grown man. 

 The next morning in the washroom Crane 

 turned loose verbally on men who had no 

 more sense than to disturb sleeping car occu- 

 pants who went to bed in decent season. 



"Who was that d d fool anyhow?" 



spluttered the mOlionaire lumberman; "I'd 

 like to fold him up once and pitch him out 

 into the gutter." 



A mutual acquaintance presented him to 

 Bob Fitzsimmons, the prize fighter, who 

 meekly acknowledged himself as the guilty 

 man. The porpoisical lumberman realized the 

 situation in a second, and there was no mix- 

 up. On the contrary he and lanky Bob spent 

 the rest of the trip into Cincinnati in a 

 friendly chat on the subject of men and man- 

 ners in the fistic arena. 



