<v;jS;jK;imat3W^TO;)^Ht«imimiiaii^ 



Peru Pertinent and Impertinent 



Today 



Write it on your heart tliat every day is the 

 best day in the year. No man has learned any- 

 thing rightly until ho knows that every day is 

 doomsday. Today is a King in disguise. Today 

 always looks mean to the thoughtless, in the face 

 of an uniform experience that all good and 

 great and happy actions are made up precisely of 

 these blank todays. Let us not be so deceived 

 let us unmask the King as he passes. — [ialpU 

 Wal'Jo Emerson. 



Not Much 



"I hear Brown's been promoted again." 



"Yes." 



"Thafs splendid ! He must be quite an im- 

 portant member of the concern now." 



"Oh. I guess not. The office boy still calls 

 him liy his first name." — Detroit Free Press. 



The Difference 



"i'wixt modest man and egotist 



The difference is wide : 

 One thinks he never would be missed 



If he tomorrow died. 

 The other thinks, when he sheds tears. 



That every scene is bleak, 

 And fancies that the whole world hoars 



When he wears shoes that squeak. 



— Chicago Rccord-HeraW. 



Mutual Admiration 



"You are getting very bald, sir," sait^ the 

 barber. 



"You yourself." retorted the customer, "are 

 not free from a number of defects that I could 

 mention if I cared to become personal." — Louis- 

 ville Courier-Journal. 



With Apologies to Longfellow 



This was the forest primeval. The murmuring 

 pines and the hemlocks, 



Planed and veneered, in coats of shellac and new 

 varnish. 



Stand like Chippendale "highboys," with dainty 

 lingerie coverlets ; 



Stand — full of buckshot (for wormholes), with 

 drawers brass-handled and polished. 



Loud, from the long-distance telephone, the deep- 

 voiced, persistent dealer 



Calls in accents decisive after the monthly in- 

 stallments. — B. K. Hart, in Puck. 



Life 



This world is like a crowded 'bus ; 



A few good men, perliaps, 

 Slay find a seat, but most of U3 



JIust hang on by the straps. 



WOOD vs WOOD SUBSTITUTES 



'^^ 



/^(aPcaa^y- 



The Smaller Dog: You're a big, tough-looking brute, but I believe I can whip you in a fair fight. 



Not Mercenary 

 "I have a friend who just marries for money." 

 "Why. how disgraceful !" 



"No, not exactly. You see, he's a minister." 

 — Cornell Widow. 



Ought to Know 



She — "George, dear, here's a scientist who says 

 the earth is wabbling on its axis. What do 

 you suppose they can do about it?" 



George (absently) : "Open up the muHler. re- 

 verse the lever, shut off the power, lubricate 

 the bearings, and tighten the wheel cap."- — • 

 Cleveland Plain Dealer. 



The Main Problem 



"Yes. I'll admit the automobile problem is 

 bothering me a good deal." 



"You mean paying for repairs?" 



"No, keeping myself alive." — Cleveland Plain 

 Dealer. 



Rejected 



He — "Be mine and you wil 

 piest man in the world." 



She — "I'm very sorry ; but 

 want to be happy myself."- 

 Transcript. 



make me the hap- 

 unfortunately I 

 ■Boston Evening 



■Why? 



Masseur — "The muscles of your neck need at- 

 tention : you should turn your head rapidly, say, 

 fifty times, night and morning." 



Chestmay — "But I do. I walk up and down 

 Fifth Avenue twice a day." — Lile. 



Unusually Intelligent 



"Y'ou.saw this horse?" asked counsel for the 

 defendant. 



"Yos, sir, I " 



"What did you do?" 



"I opened his mouth in order to ascertain how 

 old he was, and I said to him, I said, 'Old 

 fellow, I guess you're a good horse yet,' " 



At this Juncture opposing counsel leaped to 

 his feet. "Y'our honor," he cried, "I object to 

 the statement 'of any conversation between the 

 witness and the horse when the plaintiff was not 

 present." — Our Animals. 



Feared the Other 



The man of great financial prominence had 

 met with an accident. 



"We'll have to probe," said the doctor. 



Just at that moment the man recovered con- 

 sciousness and exclaimed : 



"If it's a surgical operation go ahead, but if 

 it's another investigation, give me an anes- 

 thetic." — Washington Star. 



Purposeless Game 



The Englishman was attending his first ball 

 game. He seemed very uneasy after the fifth 

 inning and finally said to his American friend : 



"I say, old chap, when do they serve the 

 tea ?" 



"They don't serve tea at a ball game," laughed 

 the American. 



"No tea between innings," gasped the English- 

 man. "Then what's the object of the blooming 

 game?" — Argonaut. 



Girl Friend 

 "What lovely hair she has !" 

 "Yes ; and that kind is expensive." 



Building a Story 



"IIow about that dialect story of yours?" 

 asked the impatient editor. 



"Coming right along, sir," replied Mr. Pen- 

 wiggle. "I have all the punctuation marks 

 written and it won't take me more than half an 

 hour to fill in the letters." — Washington Star. 



—19— 



