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Tales of the Trade 



A TRUE SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN 

 While on a recent trip covering his usual route, Alexander Hamilton 

 Bohn, the urbane and polished representative of The Waldstein Lum- 

 ber Company of St. Louis, had a rather distressing experience at 

 Davenport which he never mentions even to his most trusted friends, 

 but which has leaked out through reliable channels. 



Several St. Louis salesmen were stopping at the same hotel and 

 concocted a horrible plot entailing the placing of a fully dressed 

 dressmakers' dummy in a bed in one of the vacant rooms of the 

 hotel and paging JMr. Bohn who soon appeared at the door and 

 softly rapped. Hearing a silvery voice cry "come in," Alex stepped 

 inside and upon catching sight of the reclining figure immediately 

 lost his nerve and backed out with most profuse apologies, his ' ' Ex- 

 cuse me. Madam, Oh pardon me my dear Madam," echoed through 

 the corrilors of the hotel and with dripping brow and anguished man- 

 ner the portly lumberman retired to the cooling shades of the grill 

 room and positively refused to seek the shelter of his own room until 

 escorted by two bell boys and the clerk. 



Mr. Bohn now crosses the street to avoid milliners' and dress- 

 makers' dummies. 



HIS FIRST CIGARETTE EXPERIENCE 



Frank Buck of the Estate of Daniel Buck, an all round popular 

 lumberman, related an incident of his trip abroad, at a dinner of the 

 Philadelphia Lumbermen's Golf Club, of which he is the president, 

 which laughable as a reminiscence was rather a crushing experience. 

 Mr. Buck never uses tobacco in any shape, but while in Egypt he 

 bought a few boxes of the finest cigarettes for a relative at home, 

 which cost not much over half a dollar. He took the package to his 

 hotel, deposited it on the mantlepiece without explanation and im- 

 mediately forgot all about it. On their departure rather suddenly, 

 Mrs. Buck, in packing, whipped everj'thing which they had acquired 

 in their travels by way of gifts and souvenirs into a trunk, the 

 cigarettes with the rest, to be shipped to Nice, their nest stopping 

 place. On arriving Mr. Buck, who was questioned at the custom 

 house as to whether he had any spirits or tobacco not declared (a 

 foiniality which he considered most superfluous in his case), aiftwered, 

 ' ' None whatever, ' ' with an emphasis which seemed decisive, but 

 after the fatal inspection, to his amazement and chagrin, Mr. Buck, 

 who had forgotten for all time the cigarettes, was ignominously 

 escorted to the front to answer charge of trying to convey dutiable 

 goods under false declaration. Well, he was in it deep for an inno- 

 cent man. and the only way out was to pay the fine of ten dollars 

 and keep mum, but the thing was too good to keep and Mr. Buck, 

 who never grudges a good joke even at his own expense, is generous 

 enough to pass it around to his friends. He is more opposed to 

 tobacco than ever now, and the sight of a cigarette always brings 

 a blush to his cheek. 



THE BULLHEAD TWINS IN TROUBLE 

 The Youngblood brotheis, Tom and Paul, both of whom are 

 shining lights in the Payson Smith Lumber Company, are noted 

 fishermen in their home towns of Minneapolis and St. Louis, and on 

 urgent invitation Tom recently ran up from St. Louis to Minneapolis 

 for a fishing trip with Paul. They secured leave of absence for a 

 week and immediately "hiked" to one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes 

 with sufiicient paraphernalia to depopulate any four of said lakes. 

 It may be stated here that Paul is called the bullhead specialist of 

 jMmneapolis. In the first day's catch were a number of fine speci- 

 mens and the boys decided to have a bullhead feed. Tom not being 

 .so familiar with the handling of this class of game fish was advised 

 by Paul that the best way to dress the fish was to scald it, whereupon 

 Tom decided to hold the bullhead by the mouth with a pair of 

 pinchers while Paul applied the hot water. This was done, but as a 

 bullhead is never dead until he is eaten, this one objected strenuously 

 to the operation and rose in his wrath with two mighty side way 

 slaps of the tail overturning the hot water on Paul and giving Tom 



a Minnesota swipe in the face, which accounts for a red mark that 

 he has carried ever since. They left that night for MinneapoUs, 

 Paul going into retirement for several days to nurse his burns, whUe 

 Tom departed at once for St. Louis, declaring that one day's fishing 

 was enough for him, any^vay. 



By a unanimous vote they decided that the next time they scald a 

 bullhead they will apply the hot water around the corner with a hose. 



"AND THE GREEN CORN GREW ALL AROUND" 



Not every eity of the prominence of Memphis can boast of a com- 

 bination lumbei- yard and corn plantation, but it is stated on good 

 authority that the city mentioned possesses such a curiosity at the 

 plant of the Gayoso Lumber Company. 



It seems that several mouths ago Wick Eansom, the head of this 

 concern, becoming enthused with the "clean up and beautify" idea 

 which had taken possession of "The Big City on the Big River," 

 conceived the idea of making a garden spot around the office, which 

 building is situated in the center of the company's extensive lumber 

 yard. Flowers were planted and grass seed sown and Mr. Eansom 

 was about to plant morning glory vines — one at each post of the 

 surrounding fence — when one of his darky employes advised him 

 thus: "Mista Wick, ef you all wants dem vines to do right well 

 all you got to do is to drap a couple kernels of corn in the hole with 

 each seed and plant 'em in the right time of the moon and they 

 sho will grow right smart and be purty peart vines." 



Wick, not being above advice even from a lowly source, followed 

 the instructions and in a short time visitors not familiar with the 

 plant had difficulty in finding the office, and several returned to the 

 city statiug that this was the first lumber yard they ever saw which 

 had no office but a corn field in the middle of it. 



The Gayoso Lumber Company has decided in the future to run 

 its lumber operations in Memphis and its plantation in some adjoin- 

 ing state, or at least outside of the city limits. 



LAUGHED TOO SOON 



P. E. Hamilton and A. S. Bliss, both of the Minneapolis Lumber 

 Company, are beginning to be considered the champion gallants of 

 the Northwest. 



Several weeks ago, while seated in a Minneapolis cafe, Mr. Bliss 

 found it his duty to assist a young lady of great avoirdupois, seated 

 at the same table. When endeavoring to pick up her purse her chair 

 slid out and deposited her on the tile floor. Mr. Bliss stated after- 

 wards that he could see no very good place to get hold of, conse- 

 quently in true southern fashion (being from Tennessee) he grasped 

 her hand and assisted her to arise. 



It was almost necessary to take his partner to the hospital from 

 the results of his laughter, but Mr. Bliss came through the episode 

 with flying colors, maintaining his dignity to the last. About three 

 weeks later when seated in the same restaurant a middle-aged woman, 

 weighing probably 240 dressed, became suddenly possessed of an 

 idea to sit do^vn on the floor. This time it was Mr. Hamilton's turn 

 to do the gallant and remembering even in the moment of his distress 

 his severe strictures on the manner of his partner's methods in the 

 previous case, P. E. gra3ped the woman by the shoulders and stood 

 her on her feet with a thump. As she had just commenced her lunch 

 and he could not indulge in merriment in her presence, Mr. Bliss so 

 injured himself by suppressed laughter that it became necessary for 

 him to take an extended vacation to overcome the effects. 



He states that this was the most striking case of swift retribution 

 that he ever witnessed and the motto now to be found over his desk 

 is, "He who laughs last laughs best." He is still firm in his belief 

 that the southern methods of assisting ladies is much better than 

 the Minnesota strangle hold. 



When they do put up that wood products exposition why not see 

 to it that it has a good hardwood fioorf 



