26 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



What Every Liar Knows 



That he has lots of competition. 



That an unconscious liar deserves no credit. 



That l.ving by the name of diplomac-.v smells 

 no sweetei'. 



That most people do not care much tor the 

 truth, anyway. 



That artistic lying is an accomplishment not 

 to be despised. 



That the most important part of lying is to 

 know when to tell the truth. 



The best way to get even is to forget. 



— Elbert IIublKird. 



In Boston 



"Where are you going, my pretty maid?" 

 "I'm going to Fishhook, sir," she said. 

 "And where may that be, my pretty maidV" 

 "At the end of the line, you Jay !" she said. 

 — Bofitoii Transcript. 



Not Mary Garden 

 Mary had a little dance. 



In a bad play called Sa-lome ; 

 And everywhere that Mary went. 



The good folks stayed at home. 



Odd 



Judge. 



That we should speak of wading through a 

 dry book. 



That one can make one's maiden proposal to a 

 widow. 



That a fellow can be in a girl's presence and 

 yet be "gone." 



That the more we think of some people, the 

 less we think of them. 



That the more people we get to help us keep 

 a secret, the sooner it gets away from us. 



— London Opinion. 



The Hope of the Urade 





May conciliation, compromise and common sense prevail. 



Touching 



Bach — "I suppose, old man. your wife still 

 thinks she married a treasure?" 

 Benedict — "No. a treasury." 



True Humility 



"I suppose you are tempted to put on airs 

 since .von own a motor car." 



"I should say not," replied Mr. Chuggins. "A 

 man with a motor car puts in most of his life 

 apologizing." — Washington Star. 



You would doubtless be surprised if you knew 

 what the people you sneer at think of you — if 

 they ever give you a thought. 



Tricks Any Husband Can Learn 



To tell yellow from green in matching silk. 

 To wash the dishes without breaking more than 

 two. To keep quiet when he's spoken to. To 

 face the cook when she's angry. To find out 

 what ails the gas range. To stand in line an 

 hour or two for two trading stamps. To set up 

 his wife's brother in business. To get up winter 

 nights to investigate "robbers." To smile when 

 his old sweetheart's pictures are burned up. To 

 drop his old friends because they are "vulgar." 

 To give up coffee because it disagrees with his 

 wife. — Puck. 



Don't hold a dime so close to your eye that 

 you can't sec a dollar just behind it. 



Guess Work 



"It keeps a man guessing to find a good wife 

 tliose days," remarked Mrs. Stubb. 



"Yes," yawned Mr. Stubb, with a faraway 

 look, "and after he finds her she keeps him 

 guessing the rest of his life." 



■Why 



Wliy do some otherwise unpolished Males 

 S|>end so much time and money on their Nails? 



Is it to get a Polish, or because 

 .V Manicure knows manicurious tales? 



Perhap.-i some married men talk in their sleep 

 because that is the only chance they have. 



