HARDWOOD RECORD 



-V 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



How dear fo tliis hcni-t are tbe scenes of my 

 childhood. 

 A swagger estate on Long Island's sovilh 

 shore — 

 'L'he smooth-shaven lawns and tlie spick-and-span 

 wlldwood. 

 The pheasants, the s\\ans and the peacocks 



galore ; 

 Ihe wide-spreading parkland, in pert'ett ccui 



dition. 

 The pools where an orderly cataract fell : 

 The -ivoU-house — a dream, in the style that's 

 called mission : 

 The new oaken bucket that hnng in the well — 



The New Oakeii Bucket 

 'l'he cottage palatial, of seventeen gables. 



The boat-honse. tln' lannclics. the steam yaclil. 

 the yawl. 

 The tennis and s(inas!i conrt^. tin- gri-'Mibouse. 

 the stables. 

 The hounds aiul Ihe hunters. 1 fondly recall. 

 I in each of tlicse items of fond recollection 



I lo\e. in tin- years of my manliood lo dwi-u ; 

 And for one I runl'rss ;in eS])cci:il iirfi-.lion 



The smart '/<■ liiit: l)uckei tlial hung in the 

 well— 

 The quartered-oak hvu-kct, Ihe gold mounted 

 bucket. 



The mission-oak bucket, the silver-hound bucket. 



The gold-mounted bucket that hung in the well. The Tiffany bucket that hung in Ihe well 



Clianipagne is a nnicker and strong drink is 

 raging : 

 Indulgi'nce produces a feeling forlorn : 

 .\nd watiT. cold water, is best for assuaging 

 'l'he thirst that ensues on the subscriuetit 

 morn. 

 .\ncl now, will n I wake with a case of "liot 

 copperB, " 

 And fondle a head with a nui.\iiunm swell, 

 \l^ fancy reverts to tiiat palace of popper's. 

 .Vnd sighs for Ihal luicket Ihat hum; in Uie 

 well— 

 I he silver-lined bucket, the g<ild mounted bucRet, 

 The nuuiogi'uninied bucket that hung in the well. 



Eucalyptus Promotion 



The way the Forest Service looks at it. 



Strong Character 



Client : I don't mind what wages I pay so 

 long as she is capable. 



Registrar : I can assure yon. madam, sbe's 

 capable of anything. — London Opinion. 



When the doctor tells a man to diet, the 

 patient proceeds to refuse all the things he 

 dislikes. 



The man who always pats you ou the back 

 is giving your stock a false boom ; look out 

 for a slump some day. 



The World Over 



"Editing a newspaper is a nice thing. If we 

 publish jokes people say we are rattle brained. 

 If we don't we are fossils. If we publish orig- 

 inal matter they say we don't give them enough 

 selections. If we give them selections they say 

 we are too lazy to write. If we don't go to 

 church we arc heathens. If we do go we are 

 hypocrites. If we remain at the office we ought 

 to be out looking for news items. If we go out 

 then we are not al tending to business. If we 

 wear old clothes they laugh at us. If we wear 

 good clothes they say w bav.- .-i |)nll. Now. 



what are we to do? Just as likely as not some 

 one will say that we stole this from an exchange. 

 So we did. " McCune ITerald. 



Can Handle Bills 



Muggins — "Women are gradually usurping the 

 place o( men. 1 heard the other day of a woman 

 liill collector." 



Buggins — "Well, if a woman is as successful 

 In running down a bill as she is in running one 

 up she should be a wonder. " — Philadelphia 

 liccord. 



