HARDWOOD RECORD 



n 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



Out West. 

 A Boston man. out in the West, 



Said. •'Afternoon tea's such a rest !" 

 So they knocked off his hat. 

 And they punched his nose flat. 

 And shot all the checks off his vest. 



After Lent. 

 To himself the husband whispered: 



I wonder where I'm at; 



Will it be the old. old story — 



Busted by an Easter hat?" 



Psychological. 

 5 "ii m nds, will be my witness 



That I do com i ness 



Of the whyness of the whatness 

 That we find, in all its hotness. 

 Is the essence of th. 



A Mean Man. 

 A Chicago lumber- 

 man is so unehival- 

 rous as to refer to 

 his wife as his only 

 bad habit. 



Once in a While. 



The chronic kicker 

 is a nuisance, but an 

 occasional kick keeps 

 things jacked up. 



Same Case. 

 You can lead a 

 horse to water, but 

 you can't make him 

 drink; a girl may 

 coax her fellow to 

 church, but he often 

 shies at the altar. 



A Fetching Sign. 



An Ashland, Ky., 

 tailor's shop front 

 has an empty barrel 

 upon which is paint- 

 ed "Step into our 

 barrel while we press 

 your pants! " 



The Point of View. 

 A sign painter does 

 not think much of a 

 portrait painter's 

 ability as an artist. 



Looks Like Libel. 

 If red gum when 



properly finished 

 looks as the Southern 

 Lumberman pictures 

 it, red gum ought to 

 be ashamed of itself; 

 if it doesn't, Jim 

 Baird should apolo- 

 gize to it. 



Misguided. 

 It is the misguided 

 reformer who tries to 

 close up the race 

 tracks by winning all 

 the bookmakers' 

 money. 



The Ogre of the Hardwood Industry. 



Only a Shadow. 



Quite True. 

 Mosl every man 

 knows too many 

 thai are none 

 "t ; his business. 



Taxes. 

 Many lumbermen 

 have wealth untold 

 ■ — when the assessor 

 comes around. 



The Bill He Pays. 



The man who is 

 perfectly willing to 

 pay the piper usually 

 stands off all other 

 creditors. 



Isn't It True? 

 It gets to be a hab- 

 it with the average 

 lazy man to be out of 

 a job. 



Where Credit is Due. 



The pen would not 



be so mighty if it 



weren 't for the ink. 



The Sign. 

 Tou can ordinarily 

 pick out the self- 

 made man by the 

 good English he 

 doesn 't use. 



Quite So. 

 Many men rarely 

 overlook an oppor- 

 tunity of making 

 asses of themselves. 



Fails to Settle. 

 ■ The man who 

 Peter to pay Paul 

 usually forgets to set- 

 tle with Paul. 



It's only the shadow across the path that keeps them apart. 



Too Close. 

 A man often ac- 

 quires friends that 

 are so close that they 

 i >>p on 

 him. 



The Lobster. 

 O, gentle lobster you will blush 



When landed in the stew! 

 Why are you filled with modest shame 



Because we're fond of you? 

 Think what you've left to come to us : 



Think of your sacrifice — 

 Grip not in gratitude the hand 



Which seeks for your demise. 



A Good Thing. 

 The postoffice department has ruled that all 

 newspaper supplements not Germane to the 

 publication will not be permitted to be en- 

 tered as second-class matter in the future, 

 and thus are debarred from the newspaper 

 mails. This order shuts out calendars, sheet 



music, blocks of post cards, cut-out animal 

 pictures, and all the rot and foolishness that 

 has been incorporated in the crazy Sunday 

 newspaper for several years past. The order 

 is a good one, and is deficient only in not 

 ruling the little that will be left of the Hearst 

 papers out of the mails altogether. 



