HARDWOOD RECORD 



ii 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



Tins little gift of silken hose 

 I send to you, as you suppose, 



For your sole joy; but how untrue 

 It is to take that selfish view, 

 You'll understand ere I am through. 



When You Turn on the Hose 



> it .-wish of silks, tie wiui i ol laci 

 An instep's curve, an ankles grace, 

 Or that slight band which poets sing 

 Was greatly honored by a king — 

 These silken hose know not a thing. 



So out of pity for then 



at, alas! they yet have not, 

 I send them thus that they may be 



iitent on yon, are! -I ill "on 

 Be good to them — they cost a V! 



It Won't Always 

 Match. 



Never judge lum- 

 ber by the inspection 

 rules on which you 

 bought it. 



Isn't It True? 

 A man can get 



used to anything save 

 the scandalous way 

 he is treated by his 

 relatives. 



Be Wise. 

 Even if you don't 

 believe half you say, 

 make a bluff at be- 

 lieving it. 



A General Opinion. 

 A girl baby under 

 sixteen is not consid- 

 ered worth kissing 

 by the average young 

 man. 



Wisdom. 

 It's the foxy bar- 

 ber who suggests a 

 shave to the very 

 young man, and a 

 hair cut to the very 

 old one. 



There Are Others. . 



Even a man who 

 has piled slabs all 

 his life imagines he 

 is a lumberman. 



Isn't It So? 

 Good resolutions 

 are subject to wind 

 shake and drv rot. 



No Criterion. 

 Never judge a 

 man 's dishonesty by 

 the hardwood rules he 

 uses. 



"WOODSMAN, SPARE THAT TREE." 



Surely Not. 

 An eccentric man 

 isn't necessarily a 

 genius simply be- 

 cause the average 



is is eccentric. 



I ask thee not to spare this tree. 

 That in its shadows I may lie; 

 Much more in coin 'twill bring- to thee, 

 If you'll but wait till bye and bye. 



A Prescription. 

 If you are fully 

 convinced that tie 

 world is growing 

 worse every day, 

 take a good big dose 

 of liver medicine. 



Why? 



Why should girls 

 waste time in learn- 

 ing the gentle art of 

 cookery, when every 

 last one of them ex- 

 pects to marry a mil- 

 lionaire ? 



Portraits. 

 Of the many men 

 who are painted, 

 more of them would 

 be better off for a 

 Mi Ho whitewashing. 



Fame. 



F a me is well 

 Miough for those who 

 an afford it. 



A Question. 

 When a lumber- 

 man advertises his 

 automobile for sale, 

 one wonders which 

 one of t Inm is broke. 



Just So. 



When a woman re- 

 fuses to go away for 

 a week's visit, it's 

 not always because 

 -In- 's at' raid her hus- 

 band will be lone- 



Aphorisms from Dorian Gray. 



There is only one thing in the world worse 

 than being talked about, and that is not lie 

 ing talked about. 



Punctuality is the thief of time. 



The only way a woman can reform a nan 

 is by boring him so completely that he loses 

 all possible interest in life. 



Hen marry because they are tired, women 



because they are curious; both are disap 

 pointed. 



Laughter is not a bad beginning for a 

 friendship, and it is the best ending for one. 



I choose my friends for their good looks, 

 my acquaintances for their characters, and 

 my enemies for their brains. 



It is only the intellectually lost who i 



The fatality of good resolutions is that 

 they are always too late. 



Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid 

 thing, it is always from the noblest motive. 



A man cannot be too careful in the choice 

 of his enemies. 



The value of an idea lias nothing what- 

 ever to do with the sincerity of the man 

 who expressed it. 



