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Letters to a Millmans Salesman 



BV AKTHUK M. 



To William Siiiitii. wlui is Just siiruiil iiit; liis pin teatliers as a 

 lumber salesniaii. 

 Dear William : 



Have just lieeii lockintc o^fr your fX|iciisf slieet for tlic nioutli 

 and I want to congratulate you. For yeais 1 liave lieen laying the 

 flattering unctiou to my soul that I could spot a phoney item in an 

 expense report and grab it like a terrier grabbing a rat, but I want 

 to say to you that you came nearer putting one across on the old 

 man than any salesman we have ever iiad. That cute little horse 

 and buggy item so cosily tucked away in your expense to Bedford 

 nearly got across. You are learning fast, my son, but I find that 

 there are no lumber dealers in Lewisville and can, therefore, arrive 

 at but one conclusion. Who is the girl and how long have you 

 known her? 



Now, William, that item gives me a severe ]iain under my wesco't. 

 You are too young to be an artist at doctoring .'an expense report. 

 Ask the other fellows how to do it. If my wife were not a member 

 of the church I 'd be tempted to say, fudge ! The item has been 

 charged back to you, and I hope you will learn that experience is 

 the handmaiden of wisdom. 



I read with interest what you say about Old Man Smithers at 

 Jonesville. I know the old scoundrel. He has been conducting an 

 alleged lumber yard in that town for years. His father died and 

 left it to him, otherwise he wouldn 't have it. If he has a four-inch 

 strip and a bnnch of shingles in the shed he thinks he is over- 

 stocked. Every time he tries to spend a nickel he gets a cramp in 

 his hand. 



I remember one time, several years ago, he hired a kid with his 

 little express wagon to deliver a few bundles of lath. When the 

 boy came back for his pay the old skinflint felt in all of his pockets, 

 looked disappointed, hem 'd and haw 'd and finally said : 



"Well, .lohnnie, I surely thought I had a nickel but I guess I 

 must have spent it. ' ' 



"Mr. Smithers,'' said .Johnnie, "if you ever had a nickel you've 

 got it yet. ' ' 



So he told you our service was rotten, did he? Well, you can tell 

 him that his rating is in the same state of decomposition. If yon 

 sell him any litn;ber I '11 fire you. We had him an our books once for 

 three years and it cost us all the account was worth in dunning let- 

 ters, sight drafts and other collection expenses. 



I note Avliat you say about business being poor. Now, William, 

 when you have been in business as long as I have you will learn 

 that business is just about what people think it is. Business, like 

 happiness, is a state of mind. If people think business is poor, it 

 is; if they think business is good, it is; but no salesman, who is 

 worth his salt, ever allows liimself to think on such a subject — he 

 never allows a doubt to enter his mind. He Inows business is good. 

 He may permit himself to realize that it is a little harder to get 

 business than usual, but he throws his lever two or three speeds 

 ahead and hits the grit at a little livelier pace until he has the 

 "quiet business" crowd behind him spitting dust. 



It is his business to see that his customers do not get the "poor 

 business" thought into their heads. Or, if they have the bug, 

 already, it is up to him to get it out of their heads and get them 

 to thinking good business. How can you expect buyers to think 

 good business when there is a bunch of salesmen cavorting around 

 the country handing theln a bunch of deep ultramarine conversa- 

 tion. The dope handed out by these salesmen only confirms the buyer 

 in his determination to buy more conservatively and demand longer 

 dating on his orders. He in turn hands out the blue funk stufl: to 

 his customers and soon that entire community has the poor business 

 bug. 



The general public doesn't like to believe in hard times and thev 

 are the last to accept the situation. Reports of hard times never 

 originate with the people; they always come from those higher up 

 who should know better. Some of tliese, so-called, big business 



JOnNSTO.N- 



men give me an acute distress in llie epigastrium. However, the 

 retailer depends on you fellows for real inside information on the 

 business situation and, if you hand him the blue stuff, you have only 

 ycnirself to blame if he doesn't give you any business. 



When I was on the road I knew a salesman by tlie name of Sid. 

 Perkins. I sujipose his first name was Sidney. It sounds like 

 Clarence and smells of curley hair and a wrist watch, now doesn't 

 it? But there was nothing of the sissy about Sidney — he was the 

 real stuff. Sid, had the gift of tongues. He could hand out a 

 bunch of talk that would coax the birds right down out of the 

 trees, I believe he could sell a ham sandwich to a wooden Indian. 

 He had his faults, to be sure, but I have long ago forgiven hlra every- 

 thing but his raiment. He sported a sartorial combination that was 

 a sci-eam. Like the Son of the Morning, his coming shone afar off. 

 He used to wear a vest which looked like an old Dutch tulip bed and 

 sounded like an American boiler shop. His hat and tie were con- 

 stantly calling each other naughty names. He freely admitted that 

 he was the handsomest man on the road. He had a brand of pul- 

 chritude and a line of conversational pyrotechnics which always made 

 a killing among the waitresses. He was a genius at poker — at 

 least the ten-cent variety. When Sid. sat in a game it ceased 

 be a game of chance because no one else had any chance. On more 

 than one occasion he has pushed me gently hut firmly aw;iy from 

 my expense money, 



I want to pause right here, Willian;, to warn you against the 

 insidious wiles of the great national game. Draw j)oker has been 

 defined as a game into which you put your money and your con- 

 fidence and draw out your confidence. You have undoubtedly, ere 

 this, risked some of your hard earned shekels in the festive jack- 

 pot because that seems to be part of a traveling man's education. 

 A few hints from an old stager may help you to conserve at least 

 a small part of your expense money. It hath been said in times 

 past, "Put not your trust in princes," but I say unto you that it is 

 better that you should lose all your shekels backing three kings than 

 to fritter away your ;-iubstance drawing to short pairs in every new 

 hatched, unfledged jackpot. If the fair Goddess of Fortune smiles 

 not upon you, do not grow- wroth and break out about the mouth 

 and say "pooh! pooh!" If the pirate across the table draws two 

 cards and fills a flush against your three aces, laugh like this, ' ' Har ! 

 Har ! ' ' and console yourself with the thought that the Lord loveth 

 a cheerful giver. Do not attempt to hold out cards up your sleeve 

 or on your chair under the tabic. This is ungentlemanly and crude 

 and discovery is apt to lead to a sudden termination of your joyous 

 young life. Ijcarn to slip them from the bottom of the deck with a 

 sidewise motion of the third digit of your sinister extremity. Thus 

 may your days be long in the land and your generation rise up and 

 call you blessed. 



Now, to return to this Sid. person. As I said before, he could 

 "speak with the tongues of men and of angels" when it came to 

 talking lumber. He was a direct lineal descendant of Old Optimo 

 himself and he had not a drop of pessimistic blood in his whole 

 body. He had never learned that there was a hole in the dough- 

 nut. All his geese were swans and when he began to talk lumber 

 the birds stopped to listen, the rain ceased and the sun came out. He 

 certainly had a way with him. He could give his customers a 

 dozen perfectly plausible schemes for selling more lumber in the 

 future and a dozen good reasons why they had not sold more in 

 the past. He left them torn between two emotions — remorse that they 

 had not sold more lumber in the past and joy at the prospect of 

 new business which they could see in the future. As for Sid., he 

 would come away with some of the most \AonderfuI orders and we 

 all hated him — not because he got the business but because it gave 

 him such a bad ease of cercbr.il elephantiasis. 



For him there was no such thing as poor business; he would not 

 talk about it or permit any one else to talk to him about it. He 

 lived , on optimism, and fifteen minutes' conversation with him was as 



• Publicity manager for Tlie Stearns Salt and Lumber Company, Luding- 

 ton. Mich. 



