HARDWOOD RECORD 



15 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



'Fame Is a Food That Dead Men Eat." 



Fame is a tood that dead men eat — ■ 

 I have no stomach for such meat. 

 In little light and narrow room, 

 They eat it in the silent tomb, 

 With no kind voice of comrade near 

 To bid the banquet be of cheer. 



But friendship is a nobler thing — 

 Of friendship it is good to sing. 

 For truly, when a man shall end. 

 He lives in memory of his friend, 

 Who doth his better part recall, 

 And of his faults make funeral. 



■ — The Century. 



In the (Wedding) Ring. 



I'eter, Peter Overeater 



Once, upon a summer's day. 

 Had a wife and tried to beat her 



In the good old-fashioned way. 



How the Women New do vex us ! 



Wife let loose her bunch of fives ; 

 Soaked him in the solar plexus. 



Broke his nose and blacked his eyes. 



She was born in Minnesota : 



Female champion was she ; 

 Teter fled to North Dakota — 



(In-com oat-ability !) 



— Saturday Evening Tost. 



The Germ-Theory Optimist. 



There are germs of wheat 'mid the germs of 



weevil ; 

 There are germs of good 'mid the germs of 



evil; 

 There are germs of right 'mid the germs of 



wrong ; 

 'Mid the germs of weeping are germs of song. 

 There are germs of peace 'mid the norms of 



strife ; 

 'Mid the germs of death there are germs of 



life. 

 There are germs of truth 'mid the genus of 



faking ; 

 There are germs of square deal 'mid the germs- 



of muck raking. 



— Strickland W. Gu.lii.an. 



Good Remedy. 

 Hard work worries 

 the life out of worry. 



A LAUDABLE ENDEAVOR. 



Advisable. 

 Look out for things 

 that won't bear look- 

 ing into. 



True. 

 The man who pities 

 himself always is piti- 

 able. 



Grafting. 



Large fortunes from 

 small grafts soon 

 «row. 



The Difference. 

 Everybody can say 

 nothing. Few know 

 when to say it. 



Preferable. 



It's better to craw 1 

 out than to be thrown 



1. tit. 



And More. 



■ A n ounce of hustle 

 is worth a pound of 

 rabbits' feet. 



Belated Aids. 

 Our tact and good 

 judgment invariably 

 s'hO'Vi up the day 

 after. 



Good Advice. 

 In ease of doubt 

 tell the truth. 



Hard to Please. 



Some men are not 

 satisfied when they 

 kill two birds with 

 one stone — they want 

 the stone back. 



Domineering. 

 To hamper the- 

 body is to subdue the 

 spirit; when man 

 wanted to insure his 

 dominion over wo- 

 man he provided her 

 with skirts. 



Always. 

 Pleasure before- 

 duty means that 

 duty will lose out. 



Accommodating. 



Other people die- 

 that the undertaker 

 may live. 



Very Few. 

 In the country 



young men sow 

 wheal an. I raise corn. 

 In the city young 

 men sow wild oats, 

 and raise Cain. 



The First Step. 



A man begins to 

 acquire wisdom when 

 In- discovers that he 

 makes just about as 

 many mistakes as his 

 neighbor. 



True. 



1 1 's all right to- 

 ll 11 try home after 

 you leave the office, 

 but some people only 

 hurry until they get 

 outside of the office. 



For Heaven's sake, boys, get him into the pen, and don't let him get away from you again! 



Worthless. 

 Consistency is a 

 jewel — but it doesn't 

 interest the three- 

 ball merchant. 



Come, bow about the frugal board 



That while our blessings we may number — 

 A newer board we can't afford 



Because we have a trust in lumber. 

 Be thankful for this scanty roast 



Which will be carved for us to eat ; 

 He eats the least who pays the most, 



Because we have a trust in meat. 



The Ubiquitous Lumber Trust. 



The soup sends up no fragrant scent, 



'Tis weaker than the weakest gruel — 

 Our heads in humbleness are bent 



Because we have a trust in fuel. 

 The rolls are dark and flat and cold, 



But we'll not let our hearts grow sour, 

 But keep them light, as we are told, 



Because we have a trust in flour. 



The, stuff we spread upon our rolls 



May bring us thoughts we cannot otter. 

 But we will not stir up our souls 



Because we have a trust in butter. 

 The vegetables may be "flat" 



And otherwise we might find fault, 

 But we shall not now dwell on that, 



Because we have a trust in salt. 



— St. Louis RepnbHci 



