HARDWOOD RECORD 



Vert s Pertinent and Impertinent. 



I want to be a millionaire, 



I am not really mercenary : 

 For wealth, indeed, I do not care 



At least not more tban's necessary ; 

 I do not pine for motor cars, 



I want no 00-cent cigars, 

 The trolley and my pipe, you see. 



Are plenty good enough for me. 



The Ragtime Muse. 



"Lis mi! that I would like «" deck 



My wife with diamonds and lac< 

 Or hang rare pearls abouf her neck, 



She has enough of airs and graces. 

 She likes thai sort of thing, but I'll 



Be hanged if I can care for style. 

 My tastes are simple as can be, 



The unassuming life for me. 



I want to wear just whal I choi i 

 Old coats, nor care if they arc seedy, 



Old hats, old gloves, old, easy shoei 

 Worn only by the rich or needj 



But I'm not rich nor poor enough 

 And so I have to make a bluff. 



To wear old clothes I shall not dare 

 Till I become a millionaire. 



15 



Too Common. 



Did you ever no- 

 tice Imw cute a 

 homely girl isn't? 



Carefully Polite. 



Some men are so 

 considerate that they 

 even lie to their 

 wives in order to 

 avoid telling them 

 things that would 



probably make them 



unhappy. 



Common Caution. 



Do as you would 

 be done by when you 

 discover any one 

 trying to do you. 



Sure to Follow. 



K\ el yl hing collies 



to t lie man who waits 

 and t he bill collector 

 heads I he procession. 



A Proverb. 

 A quail on toast is 

 worth two ill the 

 ot her t'elli.w \ game 

 bag. 



Sure Thing. 

 1 1 's a padded cell 

 for any man who 

 thinks he can please 

 all his relations. 



Absolute Truth. 

 1 toe b 11 r I e s <j u e 



show will keep the 



average man awake 

 longer than a dozen 

 -i-i mons. 



A Diplomat. 



A wise ma 11 never 

 tells his wife enough 

 to set her guessing. 



THE CHRISTMAS TREE. 



Type of the most important American forest tree— at this time of the year. 



Be Game. 

 Don't, balls at tin 

 little hills. It Mm 



<lo, you will novel 



climb the mountain. 



Too True. 



Alter a man lias 



taken aboard a few 

 highballs he begins 



to look like the reel 



t hi no. 



But It's History. 

 Even at this stagi 

 of the game then 

 are men who deny 

 thai George Wash 

 ingl on e\ rr owned a 

 1 1 ; 1 1 1 ■ h 1 ■ I . 



Take Notice. 

 Riches tnaj have 

 wings, but don't sit 

 down and wait for 



a II o t ll e r III .1 11 ' S 



riches to fly your 

 way. 



A Winning Hand. 



Enterprise and ad- 

 vertising make the 

 biggest pair in the 



deck. 



She's Too Eloquent. 



A man is never 



too busy to listen 



w hen I be lady on 



the dollar talks. 



A Sad Case. 

 A lot of emp! 



I r I'oi t les is one 



kind of a hopeless 



.1 1 



Marked Men. 

 Many a marked 



man has the tattoo 

 1 it ist tot hank for it 



Advance Ladies; Step Lively. 



Some men slay single all their years 

 Because no perfect she appears; 

 Not finical like these am I, 

 Any to whom these lines apply 



Will do for me. 

 She may not chant a simple lay 

 Except in amateurish way : 

 Vet if she knows when not to sing — 

 Alack! a more unusual thing — 



She'll do for me. ' 



She may not speak with fluent ease 

 Latin or French or — what you please — 

 II' her own tongue she's learned to hold 

 1. ei lea he dumpy, wrinkled, old, 



shell do for me. 

 1 care not if her general hue 

 Be quite another one than blue ; 

 She mayn't have read one learned book, 

 let, oh, ye gods! an' she can cook — 



■She'll do for me. 



Boston Tbaxscbipi 



Just as It Happens. 



The .lays are like the 1 pie that 



We have to deal with, you and I: 



Some arc bad and some are g !. 



And no man seems to know just why. 



Disappointed Malice. 



It makes a fellow simply feci 

 Like falling through the (lour. 



To meet a man he's roasted and 

 To find he isn't on 



