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Peru Pertinent and Impertinent 



Bring me in a dry Martini, waiter, 

 Chase in something that's wet ; 



I was out to the olam bake yesterday. 

 And I haven't got over it yet. 



Throw mo a pleasant look, waiter. 

 Smile at me. pray don't frown — 



And put some glue on my breakfast, 

 So I can keep it down. 



I hear they've discovered the pole, waiter, 



I wish I had it here now ; 

 They can't come any too cold for me 



To put on my aching brow. 



Beal Hard Luck 



"Speaking of hard luck," remarked 

 Senator Klutch, "I bad some hard luck 

 once during my early days." 



"Elucidate." said Senator Graball. ; 



"I bad just Invested my last five dol- 

 lars in a meal ticket." 



"Yes, yes." 



"As I started down the street a gust 

 of wind tore the ticket from my band. 

 A lumberjack was passing, wearing 

 heavy, spiked boots." 



"Yes, go on." 



"And he stepped on my ticket and 

 punched out $4.83." — Kansas City 

 Jottrnal. 



That Tired Feeling 



"Y'ou'ro a nice fi'llow. Won't come 

 boating nor do anything else. Don't you 

 get tired doing nothing?" 



"Yes, old man : I'm having a rest 

 now." — Sketch. 



A Life Saver 



Knicker — "Why dors .Jones keep a par- 

 rot? 



Bocker — It is trained to yell cuckoo 

 ten times whenever be comes home. — 

 Neic York Siiu. 



Cynical Definition 



"What is your idea of patriotism?" 

 "Patriotism," rei)lied Senator Surghum, 

 "is what inspires a man to point out 

 many needs for reform in bis country, 

 but causes him to resent an indorsement 

 of his views by a foreigner." — Washing- 

 ton Star. 



Not What He Expected 



Physician — I do not think any local 

 treatment will do you good, madam. 



Patient — All right. I'll go to a spe- 

 cialist in New York. — ■Baltimore Amer- 

 ican. 



Tipping 



Church — I see the ancient custom of 

 putting a coin in tbe hand of the dead is 

 still occasionally followed in the rural 

 districts of France. 



Gotham — Gee ! Don't the tipping busi- 

 ness even stop after death'/ — Yonkers 

 Statesman. 



As Shelley Has It Not 

 I fear thy kisses, gentle maiden, 

 , I fear thy mien, thy tone, thy motion — 

 Methinks thine eyes are heavy laden 



With thoughts about this leap-year notion. 



— Jmhje. 



As Seasons Go and Come 



The smiling Ice man now counts o'er 



The dollars he has won. 

 And the gloating coal man adds anoth- 



Er dollar to the ton. 



—24— 



In tha Dull Gray Dawn of the Morning After 



By Jack Laskey. 



Many a schooner was wrecked last night, waiter, 

 And the waves ran mountain high ; 



Personally, I was soused to the gills. 

 But today I'm awfully dry. 



It was a terrible night at sea. waiter. 



And many are missing, I think. 

 But as near as I can remember, 



I never missed a drink. 



Lead me down to the dock, waiter, 



For a watery grave I pine ; 

 The place for a man that's pickled 



Is over his head in brine. 



HARDWOODS 



/>i/i.t.£f^ 



Going Up 



Tell them at Illiopolis, waiter, 



I died as a hero should ; 

 Up to the neck in the cold, cold suds. 



Guaranteed drawn from the wood. 



I'd like to leave you a gift, waiter. 

 Just something to remember me by ; 



And to show you that I am not tight. 

 You can have my piece of pie. 



And after I sink in the deep, waiter, 

 You'll do me one favor, I hope ; 



Tell them if I blow up bubbles, 

 It wasn't from eating soap. 



An Explanation 



Two little six-year-olds stood on Six- 

 teenth street watobiug a rambunctious 

 horse snort its disapproval at an ap- 

 proaching motor car. "What makes a 

 horse act naughty when he sees an 

 auto?" asked one of the kids and the 

 other little wisehead replied : "It is this 

 way : Horses is used to seein' other 

 horses pull wagons, and they don't know 

 what to think of 'em goin' along without 

 a horse. Guess if you saw a pair of 

 pants walkin' down the street without a 

 man in 'em you'd be scared, too." 



His Mind on Business 

 Her Father — I don't know about let- 

 ting you have my daughter, Mr. Sellers. 

 Will you take care of her in good style?" 

 Ilor Suitor (in the retail line) — "I'll 

 guarantee it, sir, or — or return the goods- 

 — Boston Evening Transcript. 



An Interesting Antiijus 



"Fine old inn. sir." commented the 

 host. "Everything in this house has its 

 story." 



"I don't doubt it." r emarked the 

 grouchy tourist. "And is there any 

 legend connected with this old piece of 

 cheese?" — LouisriVc Ctniricr-.Jnitrnal. 



Quite the Opposite 

 He — "Oh, but you mustn't blame me 



for my ancestors, you know," 



She — "I don't, I blame them for you." 



— Boston Evcnimj Transcript. 



Case of Heredity 



Clinton — "I suppose your little ones 

 ask you many embarrassing questions?" 



Clubleigh — "Y'es. they are just like 

 their mother." — Boston Ercning Trans- 

 cript. 



■Vanished Quickly 



"Er — by the way, old man, you 

 haven't forgotten that five you borrowed 

 from me about six months ago?" 



"Oh, dear, no." 



"But .vou said you only wanted It for 

 a short time." 



"And I told the truth. I didn't keep 

 it twenty minutes." 



Glory That They Missed 



Achilles never felt tbe wild, sweet thrill 

 That comes from flattening a barking dog : 

 He never skidded in a reeking bog. 



Nor scared a team while coasting down a hill , 



Achilles never had the splendid skill 



It takes to knock the bristles from a hog 

 Or lie beneath a tonneau like a log 



Till help arrives, when there has been a spill. 



Bold AJax bade the lightning do its worst. 

 And many a Trojan felt his fatal jab ; 



When from the clouds the fiery currents burst. 

 He babbled things no other dared to bab, 



lint Ajax never dodged and, dodging, cursed 

 The driver of a passing taxlcab. 



— B;/ 8. E. Kiser. 



The Spice of Life 



Taking His Measure. — Tommy — What does the 

 paper mean by calling Mr. Sharp an elght-by-ten 

 business man? 



Tommy's Father — I presume it means he is 

 not exactly square. — Home Herald. 



