HARDWOOD RECORD 



15 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



I dreamed that I dwelt in the Isle of Cracked 

 Ice 

 In the midst of a lake of champagne; 

 Where bloomed the mint julep in meadows 

 green 

 Amid showers of lithia rain. 

 I reclined on a divan of lager beer foam 



With a pillow of froth at my head. 

 While the spray from a fountain of spark ■ 

 ling gin fizz 

 Descended like dew on my bed. 

 From faraway mountains of crystalline ice. 

 A zephyr, refreshing and cool, 



Reminiscences of Atlantic City. 



Came wafting the incense of sweet muscatel 



That sparkled in many a pool; 

 My senses were soothed by the soft, purling 

 song 



Of a brooklet of pousse cafe. 

 That rippled along over pebbles of snow. 



To a river of absinthe frappe. 

 Then, lulled by the music of tinkling glass. 



From the schooners that danced on the 

 deep, 

 I dreamily sipped a high ball or two 



And languidly floated to sleep. 



And then I awoke in a bed full of rocks, 



With a bolster as hard as a brick; 

 A wrench in my neck, a rack in my head 



And a stomach detestably sick. 

 With sand in my eyes and grit in my throat 



Where the taste of last evening still clung. 

 And felt a bath towel stuffed into my mouth 



Which I afterwards found was my tongue; 

 And I groped for the thread of the evening 

 before 



In a mystified maze of a brain 

 Until a great light burst upon me at last 



"I'm off of the wagon again!" 



Why? 



Few liquors im- 

 prove with age — they 

 don't get a chance. 



Conversely. 

 Don't judge a 

 woman 's brain by 



the size of her hat 

 or her pompadour! 



JUST A SUGGESTION. 



Sad, but True. 



Most men appreci- 

 ate the nonsense of a 

 pretty woman far 

 more than they do 

 the good sense of a . 

 homely one. 



Stay Up. 

 "Early to bed and 

 early to rise — and 

 you'll meet no prom- 

 inent people," says 

 Frank Daniels 



Impossible. 



It is safe to say 

 that the French artist 

 who claims to have 

 painted President 

 Eoosevelt "in a rest- 

 ful pose" has never 

 been at the White 

 House. 



The Loafer. 



If a man is a loaf- 

 er he has little to 

 live for. 



Every Time. 



Find fault with 

 your employes and it 

 will make them 

 faultier. 



To Women. 



Though we scorn and 



flout 'em, 

 We can live with but 



not without 'era! 



In view of the ever-recurring inundation of the timber area of the lower Mississippi 

 Valley and the consequent interruption of logging enterprises, the Hardwood Record sub- 

 mits this drawing as illustrative of a possible way to carry on woods worli the yeeu- through. 



Capacity. 



Some pint bottles 

 can hold more than a 

 peck o' trouble! 



Making the Best of 

 It. 



Many women who 

 appear to be content- 

 ed are merely re- 

 signed. 



Waiting. 

 Now that the won- 

 derful Spanish heir 

 has really arrived, we 

 may soon expect a 

 cablegram that he 

 has said "Goo! " 



Ciuming. 

 A man often wins 

 out by asking man}- 

 questions and an- 

 swering nime. 



Suspicious. 

 Lots of men are 

 suspicious of others 

 because they know 

 themselves so well. 



The Pace. 



The faster a man 

 travels the harder it 

 is for him to pay as 

 he goes. 



Surely the Worst. 



The worst failure 

 of all is not to try. 



Logical. 



Some of us expect 

 to find rest in heav- 

 en because we feel 

 sleepy in church. 



Elusive. 



The slipperiest 

 thing in the world is 

 the nian who never 

 says no. 



Later Advices. 



But Winter wouldn't stay put out— 

 The stubborn, tough old chap. 



He ousted Summer, and resumed 

 His seat in Spring's soft lap. 



Springless Poetry. 



If you should send a poem 

 To the editors on Spring, 



Send evidence to show 'em 

 The existence of the thing. 



Helps Some. 

 Little spots of powder, 



Little dabs of paint. 

 Make a thing look pretty 



When it really ain't. 



