HARDWOOD RECORD 



IS 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



I'ou may iliiiib to tlie top of the tree, 



But youi- perch will not help you a bit. 

 If you fall you will very soon see 



There is no way of dodging a hit. 

 For the world lies in wait with a briek 



Or a stone twisted up in a sock. 

 If it isn't a knock it's a kick; 



If it isn't a kick it's a knock. 



Take Your Choice. 



If you're down you'll be feeling a boot 



To your person with vigor applied ; 

 If you're up you'll hear the loud hoot 



And the jab will get into your hide. 

 You may think you are skillful and quick. 



But you'd far better brace for the shock. 

 If it isn't a knock it's a kick: 



II it isn't a kick it's a knock. 



It's a kick for the fellows who lose ; 



It's a knock for the others who win. 

 You may do just whatever you choose, 



Hut you'll need a good thickness of skin. 

 I can tell you which one I will pick ; 



I'll succeed and then let the w-orld mock. 

 If it isn't a knock it's a kick : 



If it isn't a kick it's a knock. 



Sure Enough. 

 T h (' teacher h a il 

 grown eloquent pic- 

 turing the glories of 

 Heaven, and finally 

 asked, ' ' What kind 

 of boys g o t <i 

 Heaven?" A lively 

 little four-year-old 

 flourished his fist. 

 "You may answer,'' 

 said the teacher. 

 ''Dead ones!" shout- 

 ed the little fellow at 

 the top of Ills lungs. 



REQUIESCAT IN PACEM. 



A Child's Definition. 



"A lie is an aboni- 

 ination in the sight 

 of the Lord, but an 

 ever-present help in 

 time of trouble! " 



A Difference. 



A man will stand 



for a wife 's going 



through his fortuue 



• — liut not his pockets. 



Usually. 



A howling swell — 

 t li e side-show 

 ' ' barker. ' ' 



Wait in 'Vain. 



Men wlio spend all 

 their lives in looking- 

 for a real opening 

 are pretty sure not to 

 find it till they strike 

 a hole in the ground. 



Falls Down. 



A fellow never ful- 

 ly realizes the limita- 

 tions of his vocabu- 

 lary until he tries to 

 describe a woman's 

 <lress. 



7r^.A//<r/h'o^/. 



Easy. 

 Many a failure in 

 business is making 

 money writing advice 

 to young men. 



As Many Do. 



To get back one's 

 youth one has only to 

 repeat one's follies. 



Too Many Yet. 



After all there are 

 but few people in the 

 world that we can 

 help with safety 



Big ■Winnings, Too. 

 A erackerjack at 

 skin games — the 

 beauty doctor! 



Mostly Otherwise. 

 Early to bed and 

 early to rise makes a 

 man healthy, wealthy 

 — or otherwise. 



■Variable. 

 In some men am- 

 bition is a veritable 

 ■'brain storm"; in 

 others it is an inter- 

 mittent fever. 



One 'Way. 

 A man who can in- 

 duce the world to 

 take him at his own 

 valuation is sure to 

 lie successful. 



The solitary grave beside tlie sad sea waves. 



Two of a Kind. 



IJou 't be too hard 

 on the nagging wom- 

 an; she's not a bit 

 more disagreeable 

 than the bragging 

 man ! 



/ Wonder. 



1 wonder if the robin that has found himself 1 wonder if the lioness is never satisfied 



a mate With any den her tawny lord is able to pro- 

 Sits down as soon as she is his to gravely vide? 



meditate? I wonder if she secretly, as soon as she is 

 I wonder if the lady bird upon some other limb mated. 



Has charms that .set him yearning, since she I!egins to think she might have done much jjy .^-^^ whose name she has to bear, is ne'er a 



cannot be for him? better had she waited? little bored? 



I wonder if 'tis only man that, being loved, is 



prone 

 To think some other lovelier than she who is 



bis own? 

 I wonder if the woman lives who, knowing she's 



adored 



