HARDWOOD RECORD 



15 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



Sad. 



There once was a fellow named Macky 

 Who gave to his friend some tobaccy ; 

 The friend now is dead. 

 And the last words he said 

 Were : "Macky, your 'baccy is tacky." 



LlPPI.VCOTT'S. 



Popularity. 



Iler name was plain Mary .Tane Dekkles. 

 .\nd her face was all spotted with frekkles ; 



A la pug was her nose 



Still she had lots of bose 

 '(';iuse Mary was there with the shekkles ! 



Two Sides. 

 Hubby — "I'm going out with a few friends 

 tonight, my dear." 



Wifie — "Not without me." 



Hubby — "I can't take you." 



Wifle — "Would you rather give it up. then?" 



Hubby — "No, but my friends would. ' 



Too Expensive. 



Running for office 

 and running autoino- 

 bile.s are luxuries the 

 "common herd ' ' 

 can 't afford. 



THE TIME MUST NEEDS SOON COME. 



Theoretically. 

 It is amazing how 

 far hubby can make 

 the housekeeping al- 

 lowance go — on 

 paper! 



Ever Get It? 



Bleeding at the 

 nose often comes 

 from poking it into 

 somebody else 's busi- 

 ness. 



The Difference. 



If a plunger wins 

 we call him a finan- 

 cial genius; if he 

 loses, a plain chump! 



Will Any? 



That religion is not 

 the best, which will 

 not stand a business 

 test. 



Takes a Long Time, 

 Though. 

 When a man dis- 

 covers that other 

 folks are no bigger 

 fool.s than he is him- 

 self, he has learned 

 human nature pretty 

 well. 



Sour Grapes. 



Men don 't think 

 much of heroes in 

 general when they 

 size up some of the 

 material out of which 

 women manufacture 

 them. 



Careful. 

 Follow the advice 

 of all your alleged 

 friends and it will be 

 a padded cell for 

 vour 'n. 



Avoid Trouble. 



Matrimonial con- 

 tracts on a financial 

 basis should provide 

 for advance pay- 

 ment. 



Don't Inquire. 



The process where- 

 by a lot of light hair 

 acquired its blond- 

 ness should remain a 

 dark secret. 



Lots Nicer. 



If women are only 

 sociable men don 't 

 care whether they are 

 sensible or not. 



If You're Wise. 

 Don 't interrupt a 

 man when he 's eat- 

 ing and a woman 

 when she's talking. 



Logical. 



' ' Plan your work ; 

 then work your 

 plan. ' ' 



UNCLE SAM : " Stop ! You must not devastate here until you repair there ! " 



INoTE. — The laws of several European countries provide that for every tree felled one shall be planted.] 



To Succeed. 



Don't knock, push! 



Possibly. 



T li e a V e r a g e 

 woman firmly be- 

 lieves all her hus- 

 band 's bad habits 

 were acquired before 

 he met her, and that 

 his good qualities are 

 the natural result of 

 her influence. 



Natural. 



You can't tell a woman 



Her faults, no indeed! 

 She'll prove they are virtues- 



Or turn a deaf ear; 

 But just let the neighbors' 



Shortcomings arise. 

 And lo! lovely woman 



Is anxious to hear! 



Explained. 



A youth at a dance one evening couldn't un- 

 derstand why a pretty woman who had been 

 Inclined to be extremely flirtatious for a while 

 suddenly became cold and indiffererit. He re- 

 marked about it to some one he found himself 

 in conversation with, who replied ; "Maybe it's 

 because I came in; she's my wife!" 



Frequently. 



Trouble oft comes when days seem fair. 

 To a trusting man thru son and "fresh " 



Sing to Tune of "America." 



Ah wha ta na Siam. 



Ah wha ta na Slam, 



Ah wha ta na Siam, 



Ta na Siam. 



heir. 



