HARDWOOD RECORD 



15 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



Lost! 

 ThiMv was a younj; l:i<ty I'l'imi I.yiiii 

 Wild was so oxpi'i'dinKly thin 



That when she I'ssayi-d 



To drink lemouado 

 She slipped through the straw and fell in 1 



They're Plentiful! 



There was a young lady named Maud. 



Who many folks said was a fraud ; 

 In the liKht. we are told 

 She was proper and cold. 



Hut on the dark porch — O, my <! — d ! 



Jealous! 

 There was a young lady named Enos. 

 A\"ho went to a hall dressed as Venus, 



Said the hostess, "How rude 



To come here so nude '. 

 Shall I get you some leaves from the green'us? 



ifHeA^ksHer GOOD CROPS FROM COAST TO COAST 



\V h n a man 's 

 l.usiness affairs go 

 \v r o n fj, liis wife 

 thinks forever ;ifti'r 

 that it was beiJiusc 

 he (lidn 't follow licr 

 advice. 



Diplomacy. 



If a man occasion- 

 :illv tells a woman 

 Ikuv protty she looks, 

 lie can usually got 

 her to forgive most 

 of the other lies lie 

 tells her. 



Not Much! 

 Years may come 

 anil years may go, 

 liut the time will 

 never arrive when a 

 man will sit up and 

 patch his w i f e 's 

 clothes after she is 

 abed. 



Delusions. 



A maiden thinks 

 she, is necessary to 

 man's happiness; a 

 widow thinks man is 

 necessary to her hap- 

 piness; and man — 

 well, he hasn't nuicli 

 to sav about it I 



'Specially Old Ones. 



When a man falls 

 in love, he gives his 

 liraiu a vacation. 



Changes His Mind. 

 The more some 

 liamlsome women 

 talk to a man, the less 

 inclined he is to sit 

 ini .-iiid take notice. 



Prosperous farmers mean continued prosperity for the Hardwood Trade. 



Double Function. 



Love makes the 

 world go round — and 

 men go broke. 



Kebounds. 



Many a successful 

 man is like a rubber 

 ball — the harder he 

 is tlirown down, the 

 higher he rises. 



Far Cry. 



Do not mistake no- 

 toriety for fame I 

 Anybody can get his 

 picture into a yellow 

 journal. 



O, Joy! 



The advantage of 

 being fancy free is 

 that you're free to 

 fancy w li a t (or 

 whom) you please. 



Crushed. 

 People keep truth 

 mighty busy strug- 

 gling to rise! 



Specifics. 



To cure insomnia 

 — pay your bills. To 

 get rid of weeds — 

 marry again. To re- 

 move paint when it 

 is fresh — back up 

 against it. 



Suggestion. 

 AVomen entering a 

 theater should check 

 their hats — me n, 

 their thirst. 



Never. 



It isu 't fair to judge 

 a woman's aims by 

 what she hits! 



A Woman's Way. 



Hvr lovers adored her. they asked and im- 

 plored her 

 To give them a look or a smile; 

 X,ike little dogs trotted to tasks she allotted, 



.And begging for notice the while. 

 They fetched and they carried, they dodged 

 and they parried 

 T\'hen snubs for reward did she give; 

 They took it all meekly, give in to her weakly. 



Just asking peiniission to live. 

 Their worship she scouted, their love lightly 

 flouted. 

 And treated them all with disdain; 

 She met vows witli laughing, hearts' anguish 

 with chaffing, 

 And took as just ti'ibute their pain. 



That they did adore her, the more seemed to 

 bore her. 

 She said they were idiots all; 

 So little she prized them that slie soon de- 

 spised them 

 For being slaves of her thrall. 

 At last came a wooer who scorned to pursue 

 her; 

 He ordered her .iust at his will. 

 .\sserted his power, said lie wouhl ■■allow" 

 her 

 His need of affection to fill. 

 They stared in amazement to see Iicr abase- 

 ment. 

 For meekly she gave him his way; 

 Just followed the faster when he would be 

 master. 

 .And promised — with joy — to "obey." 



The Forest Ranger's Job. 



The Iieuvcr P'ield and Farm allcgi'S that over 

 one-fourth of Colorado is now included in forest 

 leserves. Jt is fearful that eventually there 

 will hi' no place to hnry the (Colorado dead ex- 

 cept in forest reserves, and this is its excuse for 

 lircaking into rh.vmc over the situation : 

 oh. bury me not in the woods. 



In a musty hole in the .srouud. 

 Where tlie discordant tree toads sing. 



And straddle-hugs tumble around. 

 ISnry me not on the range. 



Where the taxed cattle are roaming, 

 .^nd the mangy coyotes yelp and bark. 

 And the wind in the pines Is moaning. 

 On the reserve please bury me not. 

 For I never would then be free ; 

 A forest ranger would dig me up 

 In order to collect his fee. 



