HARDWOOD RECORD 



13 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



Beauty Culture. 

 Xer does the mode in which your days 



Are spent, dear iadies, cause o£Eense 

 To thoughtful minds your latest phase 



Betrays the hand of Trovidence ; 

 For though this beauty-culture fad 



Has gone, perhaps, a bit too far, 

 'Twould make the brightest of us sad 



To see 30U as you really are 



PUNCU. 



Paradoxical. 



I'hlebotomy is out of date, 



For doctors long since have decreed 

 That ailments now they can abate 



By other modes : they never bleed. 

 Yet strange it seems, for though they call 



Its substitute by other name. 

 It is not different at all — 



They always bleed us just the same. 



Money. 

 Money may not bring us honor. 



Money may not lift ua high : 

 Money may not keep us youthful 



As the fleeting years go by. 

 Money may not make us happy 



When we've wronged our fellow men, 

 Money may be filthy, but it 



Comes in handy now and then. 



Sufficient. 

 Beauty is only skin 

 leep, but that's deep 

 nougli to satisfy any 

 casonable man. 



To Win a Woman. 



If she is pretty, 

 iiake love to her; if 

 he is plain, make 

 ove to some one else. 



Missing. 



A lumberman may 



Irink to forget, but 



rhere is there one 



rho forgets to drink! 



Has liimitations. 



Money makes the 

 nare go, but it won't 

 .hvays start the 

 •utomobile. 



Slander. 



They say Love is 

 )Iind, but he gets his 

 yes open after mar- 



iage. 



Eesourceful. 



Some men have 

 nore money than 

 hey know what to 

 lo with — women 

 lever! 



Lonesome. 



He who never does 

 vrong must lead a 

 lull existence. 



One Way. 



Fools who can at- 

 ract attention by no 

 ither means, tisually 

 )uy red ties or green 

 'ests. 



Apt Pupils. 



Pessimists are the 

 mderstudies of cyn- 

 cs. 



SWAPPING HORSES WHILE CROSSING A STREAM 

 SUCCESSFULLY ACCOMPLISHED. 



Elastic. 



A man's heart is 

 like a trolley car — 

 always room for one 

 more! 



Plentiful. 

 The girl with 

 money to burn never 

 lacks for matches. 



Watch Out! 



Many a man ia 

 chaperoned by a de- 

 tective if he only 

 knew iti 



Unscrupulous. 

 Many a good dish- 

 washer has been 

 spoiled by encounter- 

 ing a piano teacher 

 who needed the 

 money. 



Think, 

 if you and she are 

 failures don't blame 

 it on marriage! 



Superstition. 



There is no such 

 thing as an omen; 

 destiny does not send 

 us heralds; she is 

 too wise- — or too cruel 

 — for that. 



A Bad Habit. 



Give most men a 

 sympathizer and most 

 women enough note 

 paper — and they'll 

 tell all they know. 



And They Never Even Got Wet 1 



Policy. 

 When you're in the 

 right you can afford 

 to keep your temper, 

 and when you're in 

 the wrong you can't 

 afford to lose it. 



Procrastination. ■ 



Postpone the doing of an easy thing and it 

 becomes hard; postpone a hard one and it 

 becomes impossible. 



Politeness. 



Politeness costs nothing, whether one is 

 paid or not, and it always marks the gentle- 

 man. 



Don't Wait. 



You can't gain time by putting the clock 

 ahead, nor business by prospective advertis- 

 ing. 



Strange! 



Why is it that a man will often submit 

 like a lamb to Misrule, but Mrs. Rule he 

 won't stand for a minute? 



Logical. 



The business woman makes a good wife, 

 for she runs the house on business prin- 

 ciples — not hit or miss. 



Persevere. 



Don't be daunted if she cries for help 

 when you try to kiss her — perhaps she 

 means help yourself! 



