HARDWOOD RECORD 



15 



Vert, Pertinent and Impertinent. 



An Ad — Dition. 

 A man who owns a gi'eat big store. 

 With stoclvs of goods on ever}- floor, 

 Ma,v, t<) liis keenest sorrow, find 

 The pul)Iic to his wares is blind. 

 And tlimigh he add all he may guess 

 Would likely add to his .success. 

 Ills hank account may never rise 

 'i'ill lie concludes to add — vertise. 



Sentenced. 



"Is it liot enough for you V" 

 They asked the ice man. 

 And when he answered "No" 

 They told him where to go, 

 And named a place repellent to a nice man. 

 — Philadelphia Ledger. 



The Wise Man. 

 There was a man in our town, and he was won- 



drou.s wise ; 

 lie had a iiuarrel with his wife, who scratched 



his face and eyes ; 

 .\nd when his friends the scratches saw, and 



:isked about the fuss, 

 III' pointed to a bramble bush and swore he got 



tiiem thus. —Life 



Expensive. 

 .\ lumberman that 

 speaks from experi- 

 ence says that it 

 costs almost as much 

 to keep his automo- 

 bile in repair as it 

 ilocs to keep his wife 

 r,i clothes. 



Omnipresent. 



It sometimes hap- 

 pens that a man's 

 past is an ever-pres- 

 ent ilitficulty. 



Modern Way. 

 In these progress- 

 ive flays he who sows 

 wilil oats will reap 

 tlicMi witli a patent 

 liimlor. 



Little Valued Then. 



At the age of CO 

 most famous folks 

 \v o u 1 d gladly ex- 

 change their laurel 

 wreaths for hair. 

 Notice ! 



For shooting the 

 ' ' is-it-hot-enough-f or- 

 you ' ' fiend this is 

 the open season. 



Very Mean. 



He is a mean man 

 indeed who will try 

 to work off a bad 

 dollar on his better 

 half. 



Preferable. 



The ' ' bighead ' ' is 

 not a pleasant person 

 to associate with, but 

 of the two he is usu- 

 ally more welcome 

 than the whiner. 



THE M. & M. PIPE LINE. 



Do you see anything coining to International stockholders? 



Prolific Causes. 



To sarcasm in men 

 ■■ind stubbornness in 

 women may be 

 traced a great deal 

 of human misery. 



Time. 



Time amends a 

 Rreat many promises. 



Luck and Pluck. 



Success is much 

 less apt to be a ques- 

 tion of luck than of 

 pluck. 



Varies. 



A man 's bravery 

 is often influenced by 

 the knowledge of 

 whether or not the 

 other fellow is more 

 or less of a coward 

 than he is. 



Good Rule. 



Men and women 

 should look during 

 courtship and over- 

 look after marriage. 



Misfits. 

 Misfits are a great 

 deal more common in 

 business than the 

 right man in the 

 right place, and the 

 more of a misfit a 

 man is the poorer are 

 his chances for suc- 

 cess. 



Never Satisfied. 



Never put off till 

 tomorrow what you 

 can do today — and 

 tomorrow you will 

 wish you had done 

 the other thing. 



My SOD, consider now tlie summer man. 



lie that hath trousers which seem even as 

 tliough they had been fashioned for the elephant. 



I'or great is the fullness thereof, and likewise 

 great is the emptiness of the fullness: 



They flap about his knees, and at bis ankles 

 tliey roll up even as a scroll ; 



.\nd his coat, it hath buttons up the sides 

 tliereof. even unto his armpits. 



.\nd the waist is pinched in up<m liim, and 

 I he tails of his coat stick out even as a shelf: 



Yea. and he weareth socks that make a 

 louder sound tlian the glass crash in "I.ohen- 



The Summer Man. 



grin" : and his necktie and his handkerchief, do 

 they not match for hue? 



And his hat, hath it not a tiand of many 

 colors, like unto the festive barber pole? 



And he biiyeth soda water and talketh in a 

 loud voice of golf, and eke of automoblling ; 



And the mosquito biteth him not, for it is 

 afraid. 



My son, when men speak unto thee against 

 (he summer woman and tell thee that the peeka- 

 boo waist and the squintaboo hosiery are wrong. 



Listen not unto them, but tell them to be on 

 their way and to beat it and to skiddoodle. 



For the summer man taketh the badge. 



Yet is he glad, for some one hath told him 

 that he looketh like unto an actor who acteth In 

 the slapstick melodrama. 



And his heart is large within bim. 



And he studieth the thermometer and llie mir- 

 ror. 



Is it not so, even as we have torn it from 

 the inner consciousness of this typewriter with 

 the strabismus of the I key? 



Even so. 



Selah. — W. D. Nksbit. 



