i8 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



A Land Lubber 



I do not care fo aviate. 



To run an aeroplane : 

 I'm satisfied if on the eartli 



T only may remain. 



I have no wish to fly about 

 From fleecy cloud to cloud ; 



I have a face two legs and arms 

 Of which I'm very proud. 



There are no tomor- 

 rows on the calendar of 

 the man who does 

 things. 



And while it limy be very nice 



To sail the azure lilue. 

 I do not care tn lireak a leg 



Or e'en a rib or two. 



I do not care to aviate 



On earth I'm ;;Iad to stop ; 

 Where if 1 l:ill i still may live 



To take niiother drop. 



— Detroit Fkke I'rk.ss. 



Prohibition 

 '■Prohibition's worth a thought. 

 Perhaps I'd better start in thinking, 

 But thought once killed a man, 'tis said. 



If I thought till I died, 



'Twould be suicide. 

 So I guess I'll keep on drinking." 



Anybody can cut prices but it takes brains 

 lo make a better article. — Elbert Hubbard. 



You may say what 

 you please if you don't 

 care whether you please 

 others or not. 



When a man Is finan- 

 cially weak he Is un- 

 able to stand a loan. 



The best way to kill 

 a falsehood is to let it 

 lie. 



It isn't what a man 

 actually knows but 

 what he thinks he 

 knows that he brags 

 about. 



There never have 

 been enough cork jack- 

 ets made to save the 

 people who have been 

 Bunk by corkscrews. 



Lots of men work 

 harder to avoid paying 

 an honest debt than 

 they would have to in 

 order to earn the money 

 to pay it. 



Hiding your light 

 under a bushel is bad 

 enough, but standing 

 In your own light Is 

 worse. 



Some men make 

 money just about as 

 easily as other men 

 make trouble. 



It isn't every family 

 free that bears the fruit 

 of industry. 



Some people seem to 

 possess the knack of 

 making their dollars 

 have more sense than 

 the rest of us. 



An easy way to get 

 ahead is to go to a gro- 

 cery store and buy a 

 cabbage. 



A Welcome Caller 



Birch has taken a brace on him.self, and the furniture man has become convinced 

 that hi.s friendship is worth cultivating. 



The new Cook-hook 

 will deal largely with 

 ices. 



The way of the trans- 

 gressor is iiard — proba- 

 bly because of the great 

 .•imount of travel there- 

 on. 



The man who never 

 does more than he's 

 paid for usually gets 

 paid for what he does. 



Some men are bom 

 liars and some are com- 

 pelled to acquire the 

 art. 



Did you ever see a 

 self-made man who was 

 able to talk to a stran- 

 ger for ten minutes 

 without mentioning the 

 fact 'i 



The people who are 

 constantly patting you 

 on the bact are danger- 

 ous — they are likely 

 looking for a chance to 

 kick your feet from 

 under you. 



Too many men try 

 to build a skyscraper 

 on a one-story founda- 

 tion. 



Sometimes wanting 

 what .vou can't get is 

 about as much fun as 

 getting what you don't 

 want. 



It's too bad that the 

 miser who has money 

 to burn can't take It 

 with him when he dies. 



There would be a 

 scarcity of worms if 

 all the birds were early. 



In his school days 

 the man found partial 

 payments very ditEcnIt ; 

 later he finds payments 

 on the installment plan 

 even more difficult. 



In Need of Courage 



"A French surgeon claims to have discovered 

 an operation that will transform a shrlnkin,' 

 coward into a hero." 



"I wish I could afford to go to Europe." 



"Would you have the operation performed?" 



"I certainly would." 



"So that you would have the emirage Id ask 

 papa for my hand?" 



"Nope ; I'm wearing a porous plaster that 

 ought to have been pulled off a month ago." 

 — HocsTox Post. 



A Conjugaticn 



The class at Heidelberg was studying English 

 conjugations, and each verb considered was used 

 in a model sentence, so that the students would 

 gain the benefit of pronouncing the connected 

 series of words, as well as learning the varying 

 forms of the verb. This morning it was the 

 verb "to have" in I be sentence, "I have a gold 

 mine." 



Hcrr Rchmilz was e.Tlled to his feet by Pro- 

 fessor WulflT. 



"Conjugate 'do haff' in der sentence, 'I half 

 a golt mine'." the professor ordered. 



Herr Schmitz proceeded : 



"I hafif a golt mine, du hast a golt dein. he 

 bass a golt hiss. Ve, you or dcy haff a golt 

 ours, yours or deirs. as de case may be." 



— EVERTBODVS. 



It's a poor plan to judge a man's liberality 

 by the way he spends money on himself. 



It's queer that the absent-minded man rarely 

 forgets himself. 



