22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



"Be good, be clever let who will" — 



Thus runs the saying trite. 

 The sound of it is pleasing; still. 

 Mere goodness will not turn a mill 

 Nor shoe a horse nor pay a bill — 



It doesn't work out right. 

 It might, however, If we could 

 Draw dividends tor being good. 



Syndicated Virtues 



The clever get a lot of rocks, 



As every one admits. 

 This talk may not be orthodox ; 

 The proper man it always shocks 

 When one some precept coldly knocks 



Or tears it into bits. 

 Tet wealth is his, and that's a fact. 

 Who's full of cleverness and tact. 



A combination, don't you see, 



Might work the way it should. 

 To syndicate the virtues we 

 Should feel ourselves completely free ; 

 For it is good to clever be 



And clever to be good. 

 Were we to work upon this line 

 Perhaps we'd all be doing fine. 



— Chicago News. 



Old age is useful — it 

 teaches us that one can 

 get enough of a good 

 thing. — Wm. Walker At- 



It's easy to make a 

 woman do what you 

 want her to if you can 

 keep her from knowing 

 what It is. 



A man's idea of an 

 affinity is a woman who 

 will tolerate the kind 

 of a man he is. 



The shortness o f 

 many a woman's breath 

 is due to the length of 

 her tongue. 



It is easy to look on 

 the bright side as long 

 as it is turned your 

 way. 



It isn't so much 

 knowing a lot as know- 

 ing a little and how to 

 use it that counts. 



Some men waste a 

 lot of time telling how 

 honest they are. 



An optimist is a man 

 who believes that there 

 is .such a thing as hon- 

 esty in politics. A pes- 

 simist is a man who 

 aid, but doesn t. 



All men are supposed 

 to be born free and 

 equal. Suppositions are 

 inexpensive. 



Conscience is some- 

 thing those who need it 

 haven't got. 



■ The average man is a 

 poor judge of his own 

 importance. 



7*0 be Expected 



When ethyl alcohol can be successfully made from sawdust 



Never judge the tax- 

 es a man pays by the 

 diamond in his shirt 

 front. 



Most people expect a 

 dollar's worth of thanks 

 when they hand out a 

 fifty-cent present. 



If you are sufficiently 

 magnetic things are 

 sure to come your way. 



When you see a 

 young man making love 

 to a young woman it Is 

 a safe bet that they are 

 not married. 



A truthful man can- 

 not see any fun in go- 

 ing on a fishing trip. 



ilany public speakers 

 are like wheels — the 

 longer the spoke the 

 longer the tire. 



Do as you please and 

 you will be the only 

 person pleased. 



' Never say fail. Just 

 go ahead and fail and 

 your creditors will soon 

 hear of it. 



Some women look kill- 

 ing and others look 

 daggers. 



Some people have 

 better clothes than man- 

 ners. 



A man always re- 

 members the person 

 who did him a favor — 

 when he wants another. 



When you hear a 

 man say that money 

 can do anything, it is 

 a safe bet that he can't 

 show thirty cents. 



B B B B In His Bonnet 



Oh, Tradesman, in thine hour of e e e e 

 If on this paper you should c c c c, 

 Take our advice and now be y y y y, 

 Go straight ahead and advert i i i i. 

 Xou'Il And the project of some u u u u, 

 Neglect can offer no ex q q q q. 

 Be wise at once, prolong your da a a a, 

 .'\. silent business soon de k k k k. 



— Success Magazine. 



Worth Remembering 



The man who minds his own affairs 



And works to beat the band. 

 May not ascend the golden stairs, 



That lead to fame, and land 

 The prize lie wants, but this I know — 



No matter where he's hired. 

 When times are hard and some must go, 



lie's nut among those iired. 



— Birmingham Age-Herald. 



Touching Verse 



At first she touches up her hair 



To see if it's in place. 

 And then with manner debonnair 



She to\iches up her face. 

 A touch to curls behind her ear, 



A touch lo silken collar. 

 And then she's off to hubby dear— 



To touch him for a dollar. 



