HARDWOOD RECORD 



23 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



The Little Star 

 Twinkle, twiuklf. littlo star, liow I woudor 

 what you arc ! Are there people living there, 

 countless leagues from anywhere? Have they 

 sorrow or distress in your shining wilderness: 

 Or is bitter human woe only found on earth 

 below? Twinkle, twinkle, little star; I will 

 bet a good cigar that if men are living there 

 they are pawiug at the air, saying taxes arc 

 too high, and they miss their share of pie ; they 

 are chasing round in swarms clamoring for new 



i-i'tcruis that will place thorn in a row where 

 the blooming plum trees grow. On your distant 

 golden shores there are douiitless hosts of bores, 

 who explain, from sun to sun. how the country 

 should be run ; who are sounding warning notes 

 while they skirmish round for votes. There arc 

 other bores with packs of fool figures on their 

 backs, proving that the time is near when 

 there'll be a bankrupt sphere. Twinkle, twinkle, 

 little star I Keep on twinkling where you are ! 

 Twinkle till the voters say that .you're throwing 

 light away : Walt Mason. 



Down and Out 



Tu be "resigned to fate."' 'tis true. 



We'd feel less hesitation, 

 \\'e;*e fate not almost certain to 



.Vicept the resignation. 



CHICAGO RECORD-HEKAI.D. 



Lucky 



"Tile preacher that married you says you only 

 ;;ave him a dollar." 



"He ought to be glad I didn't sue him for 

 damages. " — Houston Post. 



'I'here is no age to 

 a woman's money ; 

 guineas are always 

 young. 



Chance is like an am- 

 berill — it don't take 

 twice to lose it. 



It is not denied that 

 women are foolish. God 

 .\lmighty made them to 

 match the men. 



Some people's virtues 

 sit upon them as their 

 clothes do — they look 

 as though they pricked 

 dreadfully. 



Only people who 

 agree with you listen to 

 reason. 



One good turn doesn't 

 always get the other it 

 deserves. 



Long hair and a short 

 tongue seldom travel 

 together. 



.V girl makes up with 

 ail Mdniirer ; a widow 

 makes up for him. 



Some people look 

 upon the ship of state 

 as a political band 

 wagon. 



A man can afford to 

 toot his own horn if it 

 is the horn of plenty. 



Kvery boy has an idea 

 that if his father had 

 lived at the right time 

 he could have thrashed 

 Ooliath. 



If you would stand 

 well with a woman give 

 her your seat in a 

 crowded car. 



Kvery time a man 

 gets elected mayor of a 

 village he thinks he's in 

 line for a four years' 

 residence in the White 

 House. 



What becomes of the 

 2 cents a woman saves 

 when she buys a dollar 

 article for !IS cents? 



The Hardwood 'Boy's Thanksgiving 



The Boy: "Gee! I haven't eaten this much before in several years." 



•Subsequent events 

 frequently demonstrate 

 that the bride was the 

 best man at the wed- 

 ding. 



A girl may be angry 

 at a man for trying to 

 kiss her, but Just the 

 same she admires his 

 good taste. 



Occasionally a man 

 bumps into something 

 that is too good to be 

 true — and the shock 

 wakes him up. 



The trouble with the 

 average young man is 

 that he doesn't think 

 seriously of marriage 

 until after he faces the 

 parson. 



A strong-minded wom- 

 an misses a lot of good 

 things because she 

 doesn't understand the 

 art of crying efjectively 

 for what she wants. 



He's a poor dentist 

 who is unable to get to 

 the root of the matter. 



A man can't be as 

 wise all of the time as 

 a woman is some of the 

 time. 



When a man falls in 

 love he quits laughing 

 at other victims of the 

 disease. 



If a mountain refuses 

 to come to some men 

 they put up a bluff of 

 their own. 



The only noticeable 

 thing about some men 

 is that they are un- 

 worthy of notice. 



Some women just 

 can't help referring to 

 .1 dollar boat excursion 

 as a yachting party. 



There are too many 

 men in this world who 

 are not content with 

 wasting their own time. 



Mutilated Maxims 

 Loaf and grow fat. 

 Taste not want not. 

 Let sleeping debts lie. 

 Beggars can't be boozers. 

 Money makes the mayor go. 

 "Still" whisky runs cheap. 

 Lend me little lend me long. 

 Tine feathers make fine beds. 



A horse untied waits for no man. 



Every crowd has a silver lining. 



None but the bald repine for hair. 



Absence makes the heart to wander. 



Charity covers a multitude of skins. 

 . Discussion is the better part of valor. 



We never know who we can do till we try. 



Whoever's worth doing is worth doing well. 



Never put off till tomorrow the man you can 

 do today. — Exchange. 



'Wherein They Differ 



Her — "When a man starts to talk he never 

 stops to think." 



Him — 'And when a woman starts she nevef 

 thinks to stop." 



The average man is a willing worker — when he 

 meets another man who is willing to be worked. 



About the only thing that would shock some 

 people is the electric chair. 



