22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



So slender, yii-ginal and delicate — 



So cold to all the world, save me alone. 



Yet when the flame within thy heart I light, 

 So tenderly responsive — all my own ! 



To My Best Love 



Beneath thine influence each trouble seems 

 To take swift wings and drop its dusky cloak, 



(Dispelled, like mist, amid a thousand dreams), 

 And lightly soaring forth, ascend — in smoke ! 



Thy breath is peace and perfume — and thy kiss 

 Of all that's rapturous the prototype ! 



Ah, matrimony would be perfect bliss 



If wives had half thy charms — my briar pipe ! 



Nowadays it's a poor 

 rule that won't work 

 five or six ways. 



Money is a most effi- 

 cient substitute for 

 brains in the minds of 

 a great many people. 



Gambling has taught 

 many a man how he 

 couldn't make money. 



The photogr a p h e r 

 does not take people for 

 what they are worth 

 but for what he can get 

 out of them. 



We usually know 

 what is best for us to 

 do, but the difBculty 

 is in persuading our- 

 selves to do it. 



In the prohibition 

 states there is more or 

 less trouble brewing. 



Descending from our 

 ancestors is a lot easier 

 job than rising above 

 them. 



An inquisitive woman 

 resents nothing so much 

 as curiosity in others. 



A few people g' 

 around the world, but 

 the majority of us are 

 satisfied to pass through 

 it. 



It usually costs less 

 to get a divorce than it 

 does to pose as the de- 

 fendant in a breach-of- 

 promise suit. 



Once upon a time a 

 lawyer met a fool and 

 his money ; the next day 

 the fool met the lawyer 

 with his money. 



The German "Hcrr" 

 is an equivalent for the 

 American "Mr." But 

 the American "her" is 

 more than an equivalent 

 for any "Mr." on earth. 



Another Needed Philanthropy 



The Boy : Say Mr. Rockefeller, I've got hook worms too. 

 Can't you help me ? 



A good fellow is usu- 

 ally a man with a lot 

 of had habits. 



In endeavoring to 

 drown ' his troubles, 

 about the best a man 

 ever does is to make 

 his head swim. 



Faith is what makes 

 us believe that the north 

 pole really has been dis- 

 covered. 



To drift with the 

 tide usually means to 

 go broke on the rockS. 



Sometimes being sor- 

 ry for folks is just a 

 mild form of boasting. 



Many a man who has 

 the courage of his con- 

 victions makes a darn 

 fool of himself. 



Probably if we could 

 see ourselves as others 

 see us, we wouldn't be- 

 lieve all we saw. 



There are only a few 

 men who can afford to 

 buy champagne on a 

 beer pocketbook — they 

 own breweries. 



Some men never do 

 anything on time ex- 

 cept to quit work. 



Adam could not have 

 had much sense of ap- 

 preciation — there was 

 no one to have less 

 than he. 



A lot of men seem to 

 imagine that the only 

 place where good fel- 

 lowship exists is in 

 front of a bar. 



When a person tries 

 to act superior, it's a 

 pretty sure sign that he 

 needs to act. 



The self-made man is 

 invariably well salisiied 

 with the job. 



Morality's boundaries are fixed by geography, 

 Like fashions in hairdressing, clothes and 



orthography ; 

 An American scoundrel as likely as not 

 Would be highly respected if born Hottentot. 

 Peculiar proclivities, termed by us bestial. 

 Are very good form in a high-class Celestial ; 



Morality 



While (air Saxon ladies whom Turks thiuk un- 

 dressed 



Would by — let us say Fijis — be thought quite 

 oppressed. 



We admit it is difficult, strange and confusing 



To find we should praise where we have been 

 abusing ; 



i;ut murder and bigamy, nakedness, vice, 

 When viewed in right latitudes really seem nice! 

 Some error was made at the hour of birth 

 In selecting the spot for most moi-tals on earth. 

 Were we just east or west, doubtless praise we'd 



be winning — 

 As it is — lackaday — we are chidden for sinning: 



— LIFE. 



