HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



A fool there was. and he made a gift, 



(Even as you or I). 

 He bought it with taste and care and thrift 

 (For a lady his friends thought rather swift), 

 And when he gave it, the lady sniffed, 



(Even as you or I). 



Oh 



the judgment and taste and time we waste 



On the gifts at Christmastide, 

 Which we give to the iady who isn't pleased 

 (And now we linow she could never be pleased 



And never be satisfled). 



A Christmas Vampire 



A fool there was, and lie gave his cheque 



(Even as you or I). 

 For a necklace of pearls without a fleclc. 

 (And it didn't at least suit the lady's neck). 

 And she never thanked him a single speck : 



(Even as you or I). 



Oh, the chinl{ we lose and the think we lose 



On the things we buy with pride 

 To give to the lady who never is pleased, 

 (And now we know she can never be pleased 

 And never he satisfled). 



The fool was fleeced to his last red cent, 



(Even as you or I). 

 She threw him aside, when his gold was spent, 

 (And nobody cared where the lady went). 

 And the fool gave way to loud lament, 



(Even as you or I). 



And it wasn't the loss, and it wasn't the dross. 



The reason that same fool cried ; 

 It was coming to know that she never was 



pleased. 

 Seeing at last she could never be pleased 

 And never be satisfled). 



— Carolyn Wells, in The Smart Set. 



Christmas Toast 



1) here's a hail and 

 here's a health. 

 May nothing but luck 

 pursue you ; 

 I'he merriest of Christ- 

 mases. and 

 Happiest of New Year 

 to you. 



rhe surgeon is ready 

 to cut any old thing 

 except his bill. 



Religion would be of 

 little use if people 

 would measure their 

 actions by the golden 

 rule. 



Patience in little 

 things and the ability 

 to handle great things 

 seldom go hand in hand. 



Even the promoter 

 isn't always faithful to 

 his trust. 



A Christmas Wish 



May the message of 

 Christmas. 

 Good will and good 

 cheer, 

 1-ike the green of the 

 holly, 

 Keep green all the 

 year. 



You may have ob- 

 served that satisfied 

 people, as a rule, keep 

 quiet about it. 



The world is made up 

 largely of also rans. 



You can always tell 

 a hard drinker by his 

 mug. 



If hearts are trumps 

 it's up to the wise 

 young man to play a 

 diamond. 



Common sense is the 

 foundation of all true 

 reforms. 



Merry Christmas 



May you 



have a 



hundred years 



of Christmases 



and all of 



them happy 



New Years. 



Getting Very Popular 



^ <? 



The Lumberman: You are getting to be a regular gum chewer. 

 Try some more— It's good. 



Some Chrstmas 

 Thoughts 



A t'iU Christmas means 

 a lean New Year. 



Dettor a candied ap- 

 ple on a stick than a 

 jeweler's bill on the 

 way. 



Be tactful in filling 

 another's stocking, lest 

 you put your foot in it. 



Forgive .vour enemy 

 today, even if you have 

 to start a new quarrel 

 tomorrow. 



Let your gifts go into 

 the hands of a receiver, 

 but don't get into his 

 clutches yourself. 



A ton of coal in the 

 cellar is worth two 

 baby grand pianos in 

 the creditors' schedule. 



Let the baby heat the 

 drum and Willie toot 

 the horn. That is their 

 idea of peace on earth. 

 — Success. 



A no-account husband 

 has developed many a 

 feminine financier. 



People who set a 

 good example never 

 know what it will 

 hatch out. 



It's easier for most 

 girls to return a man's 

 love than his presents. 



Everything comes to 

 those who wait — except 

 the things that others 

 consider worth going 

 after. 



Wisdom is knowing 

 what not to do and not 

 doing it. 



After putting his best 

 foot forward many a 

 man has had his leg 

 pulled. 



Love may be blind, 

 but the blindness can 

 be cured by a breach- 

 of-promise suit. 



People who feel sure 

 of their ability usually 

 make the least display 

 of it. 



At Christmas Time 

 Then e'en the elevator boy 



Displays an air polite. 

 And greets you with a nod of joy. 



And stops the car just right. 



The Christmas Shopper 



There once was a fair Christmas shopper 

 Who spent ail she had but a copper ; 

 Then her stern husband spoke, 

 "I am glad she is broke. 

 For only bankruptcy could stop her." 



Courage 



Wipe away your tears, little girl ; 



I pray you, do not cry ; 

 For Santa Glaus is coming 



In the sweet buy and buy. — Life. 



