22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



Lots o' Them 



A certain class of men, we guess, 

 Are very much like drums. 



From heads that hide most emptiness 

 The greatest uproar comes. 



— Catholic Standard and Ti 



Jack and Jill 



Jacls and Jili went up the hill 



To get a pail of water; 

 Said Jack : "My dear, I wish 'twas beer." 



Said Jill : "You hadn't oughter." 



Human Nature 

 Oh, this would be a funny world if built upon 

 a plan that suited each inhabitant — woman, child 

 and man ; 'twould be a topsy-turvy mass, a 

 queer patched-up affair, with zero weather in 

 July and gold bricks on the square. We'd take 

 a day off every week and change things all 

 about ; we'd turn the north pole upside down, 

 and the equator inside out ; and when we had it 

 all fixed up we'd start a general row, and every 

 one of us would kick lots more than we do 

 now. 



Little Troubles 



Our little troubles of today. 

 How big they are, how gloom and gray ; 

 They fill our somber hearts with dread. 

 And cloud the bright sun overhead. 



Our little troubles of today. 

 It seems as if they'd always stay. 

 Tomorrow comes new thoughts to stir — 

 We almost wonder what they were. 



— Boston Herald. 



"I never see a 

 woman that would 

 chaw tobacco or a 

 man that would kiss a 

 poodle dog." — Judge. 



In a woman's weak- 

 ness lies her strength. 



It is all right to re- 

 frain from telling the 

 truth when silence is 

 better. 



It's one thing to run 

 into debt and another 

 to crawl out. 



. Drifting with the tide 

 is one way to get 

 where you don't want 

 to go. 



Women who don't 

 believe what they hear 

 about others are fond 

 of repeating it. 



Retrospection is 

 great toe-stumper 

 progress. 



a 



of 



It is diflJcult to fig- 

 ure your expenses in 

 advance, as fully one- 

 half of them are unex- 

 pected. 



Think three times be- 

 fore you speak and 

 thus give the other 

 fellow a chance to make 

 a fool of himself. 



Xou can easily flatter 

 some men by asking 

 their opinion of some- 

 thing they know noth- 

 ing about. 



On to Cincinnati 



An old toper says it's 

 a shame the way soci- 

 ety women waste good 

 alcohol by burning it 

 under a chafing-dish. 



A man may know hia 

 wife like a book, but 

 he can't shut her up 

 like one ; and a woman 

 may know her husband 

 like a book, but she 

 isn't necessarily satis- 

 fled with the knowledge 

 she has acquired. 



A man usually gets 

 what he deserves in 

 the end, but he often 

 gets a lot of good 

 things that he doesn't 

 deserve in the mean- 

 time. 



The sacrifice you are 

 glad to make is seldom 

 a sacrifice. 



The man with the 

 muck rake is behind 

 the times. What he 

 needs is a steam shovel. 

 — Life. 



It's a pity a man 

 can't put a plaster on 

 his conscience when it 

 hurts him. 



Some people are so 

 formal that they even 

 hesitate when it comes 

 to bowing to the inev- 

 itable without an in- 

 troduction. 



It is usually the 



It looks as though the greatest convention in hardwood history was coming blunt man who says 

 off at Cincinnati, February 1, 2 and 3. the sharpe st things. 



At the Doctor's Expense 

 "Doctor," said the patient, who had been ail- 

 ing for a long time, "be frank with me. Why 

 do you demand such a large fee for cutting out 

 my appendix?" 



"Well, the truth is," explained the frank 

 M. D., "when I remove that appendix I cut off 

 my chief source of revenue." — Tit-Bits. 



Medical Professor — What is the result, young 

 gentlemen, when a patient's temperature goes 

 down as far as it can? 



Student — Why — er — he 

 Cleveland Leader. 



gets cold feet : 



A Philadelphian, who has since then fortu- 

 nately regained his health, was last year the 

 subject of an extended examination by spe- 

 cialists. 



"The examination seems to have delighted Dr. 

 Blank," said the patient to one of the doctors 

 when they were alone for a moment, "for I 

 have noticed that his eyes are positively beam- 

 ing. I assume, then, that my case is not a 



grave one. 



"Well," hesitated the physician addressed, "I 

 hardly feel justified in saying that. But I un- 

 derstand from Dr. Blank that he. is going to per 

 form a number of interesting operations on you." 

 — Lippincott's. 



She — Why don't you consult a doctor about 

 your insomnia? 



He — What? And run up more bills? Why, 

 it's because of what I owe him now that I can't 

 sleep. — Leslie's Weekl.v. 



