22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Verts Pertinent and Impertinent 



What the 'World Has Done for Me 



It has given me winter and summer, and made 



one too cold, one too liot ; 

 It lias given me sleep for the night time, but 



no decent place for my cot. 



it leased me a beautiful boyhood in which to 



envy the man, 

 Then brought me the coveted wonders to long 



for my boyhood again. 



It assigned me a wonderful stomach and more 



wondrous appetite. 

 Then sold me the food at a profit and roared 



when I filched a bite. 



It sent all my goods f^i'om a factory, stamped 



all my toys with its name, 

 Grew rich on my innocent failures, and called 



its account of it fame. 



It wound up its clocks and divided my days 



and my deeds into hours, 

 .Vnd paid me a stipend for staying away from 



the fields and the flowers. 



!t owned that it owed me a living; but let the 



debt run so long 

 That is seems to have outlawed, and now I can 



wail or laugh at the wrong. 



It called my just criticism libel, declared all 



my flattery flat, 

 ^^■hiIe it censured me out of its wisdom and 



bade me be spellbound for that. 



It smiled at the deeds of my heart, and smirked 



at the words of my brain. 

 And grinned at my shanty on Poor-st., and 



laughed at my castles in Spain. 



Vet this world is my object in life, and my life 

 the world's aim soon or late; 



So I'll lead it a wild goose chase, and die game 

 without sorrow or hate. 



— Lionel Josapharc. 



You may lead a fool 

 to talk but you can't 

 make him think. 



All men have follies. 

 Those of the wise man 

 are knowm only to him- 

 self ; those of the fool 

 to all men but himself. 

 —The Smart Set. 



The fellow who runs 

 into debt doesn't try to 

 get out faster than a 

 walk. 



There are two kinds 

 of information — one to 

 which everybody's en- 

 titled, and that is 

 taught at school ; and 

 one which nobody 

 ought to know except 

 yourself, and that is 

 what you think of Bill 

 Jones. 



A good salesman is 

 like a good cook — ho 

 can create an appetite 

 when the buyer isn't 

 hungry. 



Some men never 

 worry because they are 

 made of wood. 



The empty head is 

 always eloquent on the 

 subject of a full heart. 



Much preaching i s 

 attempting to get water 

 by polishing the faucet. 



One form of pious 

 gymnastics is to walk 

 one way and point the 

 other. 



They who are candid 

 over little faults often 

 have big ones in the 

 closet. 



The more a man can 

 pardon in himself the 

 less he will forgive in 

 others. 



People who are 

 afflicted with klepto- 

 mania always feel that 

 they should take some- 

 thing for it. 



Holding the Umbrella 



Getting in out of the Rain 



Do everything reason 

 tells you to do — unless 

 conscience vetoes it. 



It yon are in a small 

 place it may be because 

 you won't fit in a big 

 place. 



All the world may be 

 a stage, but just the 

 same stage money does 

 not pass. 



The optimist t-xpect* 

 to get a good hand even 

 when the other fellow. 

 shuffles and deals. 



The way to make a 

 woman happy is to 

 make her believe that 

 she is making you un- 

 happy. 



The man who be- 

 lieves that two can live 

 as cheaply as one never 

 had to reckon with mil- 

 liners and dressmakers. 



And a man's idea of 

 his own importance de- 

 creases as the gray in 

 his hair increases. 



Occasionally a girl is 

 both pretty and intel- 

 ligent — just to prove 

 the exception to the 

 rule. 



Many a man who 

 thinks he is honest be- 

 cause he pays back bor- 

 rowed money wouldn't 

 think of returning a 

 borrowed umbrella. 



The best thing to do 

 when you catch a cold 

 is to let go of it. 



One way to remove 



paint is to sit down on 

 it before it is dry. 



Samson was the first 

 actor on record to 

 bring down the house. 



From the black- 

 mailer's viewpoint, 

 keeping secrets is a 

 paying business. 



Same Old Story 



"Don't vou believe," queried the fair advocate 

 of woman's rights, "thai men live faster than 

 women 'i" 



"I sure do," replied the mere man. "I was 

 just ten months older than my wife when we 

 married ; now I am 42 ap'l she vis 30 last 

 weel' '■ 



By Proxy 



"Where is my \^ ife, Jliss Lowe?" he asked oT 

 the new governess. 



"She has just gone upstairs, sir." 



"Well, will you kindly give her this kiss for 

 me? I've got to catch a train, and haven't time 

 to take it to her myself," 



She Made a Name for Him 

 Mrs. Benham — Many a man owes his success 



in life to his wife. 



Benham — Yes, .\dam would never have been 



lieird from if Eve hadn't given him the apple. — 



The Smart Set. 



People ^'ho speak volumes seldom talk like :t 



book. 



