22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



The Measure of Success 



A tall and pompous citizen pursues his stately 

 v.ay. "That man is worth five million bucks." 

 we hear admirers say ; and folks salute him as 

 he goes and wear a servile smile, and while 

 he liDsers in their view they talk about his 

 pile. It's good to have five million bucks, or 

 half a million less, but being wealthy doesn't 

 mean that you are a success. Of all the gifts 

 the gods bestow, the commonest, I wot. is that 

 of raking in the scads till friction makes them 

 hot. There is no crossroads in the land but 

 has its plutocrat, some village Astorbilt who 

 hoards and grows exceeding fat ; but villages are 

 far between to judge from late returns, which 

 breed a future Millet or a follower of Burns. 

 It's good to have five million bucks, if they're 

 not counterfeit : it's nice to chase yourself 

 around and feel that you are It ; but if yon 



have no other claim to confidence and love, the 

 jumping-off place you should seek, and give 

 yourself a shove. I'd rather keep a-plugging on, 

 with little to disburse, and journey to the bone- 

 yard in the county poor farm's hearse, and have 

 folk say I tried my best to do my little part, 

 than leave a lot of rocks behind and not a 

 mourning heart. —-Walt Mason. 



Be a Good Fellow 



While roaming about on the liighway of life. 



To the fact did you ever get wise? 

 There's all kinds of lobsters about every day ; 



And there are tin-horn sports in disguise 

 But just pass them up, they are not in your 

 class, 

 They are full of hot air, as a rule. 

 When you're out for a time, "pin this in vour 

 hat." 



Be a good fellow, not a durn fool. 

 And don't be a "piker'* whatever you are. 



For j-ou'll surely bump into some fan, 

 Who is up in the game with all kinds of dope, 



And ready to size up his man. 

 Just keep your glims open, 'tend strictly to 

 "biz." 



Don't get up in the air. but keep cool. 

 It surely will win, and bring home the tin, to 



Be a good fellow, not a durn fool. 



—Tom J. Nicholl. 



To Be Hoped For 



A little more sweet and a little less sour, 

 A little less weed and a little more fiower, 

 A little more song and a little less sigh. 

 A little less earth and a little more sky! 



— Baltimore Sun. 



A Pertinent Warning 



i^- 



Hold the Output Down, or the Chap in the Back Seat Will be Bounced Out. 



A Riddle 



She had a diaryi all bound 



In leather red. 

 Designed for keeping till its course 



A year had sped. 



She had a secret rich and rare, 



Told by a friend. 

 Designed for keeping tight until 



The world should end. 



She had a gold piece round and bright, 



A nest egg planned. 

 Designed for keeping till it grew 



A fortune grand. 



Concerning all into our mind 



This riddle crept : 

 Which of the three do you suppose 



She longest kept? 



— New York Sun. 



Old Joke Bevamped 



Weddorly — "My wife tied this string around 

 my finger this morning so I would remember 

 to mail a letter for her." 



Singleton — "Did you mail it?" 



Wedderly — "No ; she forgot to give it to me." 



Fair Millionaire: "Oh, Vladimir, they say you 

 nre a fortune hunter, and are only marrying me 

 for m.y wealth. Tell me that this is not true," 



Lord Dedbroke : "Why, my dearest, I would 

 marry you it you were penniless." 



Fair Millionaire : "Prove this, my own Vladi- 

 mir, and I shall be absolutely happy." 



Lord Dedbroke : "Settle the whole of your 



vast fortune on me, leaving yourself destitute, 

 and I will wed you in the face of the whole 

 world." 



A man who has controlled Fortune is always 

 amazed when he finds he cannot control a 

 woman. 



It's never half so hard to raise money for 

 our luxuries as for our necessities. 



It's easier to lead some men to the bar than 

 it is to drive them away. 



The average man is either dissatisfied with 

 what he has or with what he hasn't. 



Many a man lives on the square who resides 

 on a back street. 



There must be something wrong with the 

 vision of some people who do their duty as 

 they see it. 



