22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



If lamb chops gaily raug the bell 



And stepped in with a bow, 

 II tender broilers came as well 



And said, "Please serve us now," 

 If every day were (,'hristmas day. 



If taxicabs were free, 

 If work should masquerade as play, 



ilow happy we should be ! 



To Promote Happiness 



If sunbeams came to make a cake. 



If storm winds played a tune, 

 If babies ne'er had stomach ache 



Nor cried about the moon ; 

 If greenbacks grew on maple trees 



In every garden plot. 

 If gold coin came from honey bees. 



We'd be a joyous lot. 



If places where we have to work 



With fruits and mandolins 

 Were gladdened so we couldn't shirk, 



How wide would be our grins ! 

 If we could sit around and smoke 



And still draw double pay 

 And never, never more be broke, 



We surely would be gay ! 



— Chicago News. 



Fact Vs. Legend 



Uncle Sam: I thought you lived over yonder, but I find you don't. 

 Instead you are a hard working person. 



The Little Ad 



I'm just a little group of type 



Set up to fill blank space. 

 My Master thinks I surely will 



Bring business to his place. 



Maybe, perhaps, he doesn't know 

 That type is almost human ; 



With feet, a body, shoulders, face 

 Like any other true man. 



And so, it he would reap results. 

 He'll watch me with great care ; 



Give me good clothes, wash my face. 

 And help my speech prepare. 



If he'll do this, I'll warrant you 



I'll do my level best. 

 He must, of course, put me where 



I'm seen like all the rest. 



I should be put where buyers' eyes 

 Will surely see me ever ; 



Then I'll bet he'll praise my work. 

 And kick about me never. 



Sympathy 



The bond of sympathy is made of any tether • 

 Some laugh, some sigh, some even yawn together. 



— Life. 



A Double Duty 



The book where hangs my shaving strap 



Now has a double care. 

 For wifie finds it useful now 



To braid her phony hair. 



The Three Meanest Words 



Speaking of words by tongue or pen. 

 The meunest are "Busy — call again." 



— W. H. Y. 



Politeness to superiors is sycophancy ; to peers, 

 superfluity ; to inferiors, nobility. 



Too many people regard honesty as a policy 

 rather than a principle. 



