22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



The Bacheloraiyat 



Myself, when young, did eagerly I'rctnient 

 The weddings of my friends, on ruin bent ; 

 And, watching them, thanked heaven when 

 escaped 

 Scot free, by that same door wherein I went : 



Into the awful yoke — and why not knowing — 

 I've seen them walk, nor guess where they were 

 going : 

 Then out again, at Ueno or Sioux Falls, 

 The bitter seeds of alimony sowing I 



And so th<' girls I've set my heart upon 

 I've jollied, wooed a little — and anon, 



.Tust when they thought to slip the fatal 

 noose 

 About ray neck, they found the bird had flown '. 



Ah. well, tbe.v say that sometimes, side by side. 

 A cat and dog may peacefully abide. 



Perhaps — perhaps ; but that is only when 

 TlK' cat and dog are not together tied ! 



— Helen Rowl.\xd. 



What Every Waiter Knows 



That what people call gratuities are in reality 

 earned. 



That people who live in hospitals shouldn't 

 eat pie. 



That ham and eggs become much more pal- 

 atable if called by a French name. 



That people with the most money do not 

 always give the largest tips. 



That he is much more careful in the dining 

 room tlinu in the kitchen. 



— Ellis O. Jones. 



He^s Coming 'Bacic 



^^r,;;%/) 



There'll Be Something Doing When Teddy Gets Home. 



Two Kinds of Friends 



If your abode's on Easy street, and trouble's 

 out of reach, 'most all the fellows that you 

 meet will tell you you're a peach. They'll tell 

 you that in all their days they never, never 

 knew, in all this wilderness of jays, as smooth 

 a bird as you. While you have bullion in the 

 keg, and rhino in the jar, they'll come around to 

 pull your leg and .say how smart you are. 

 They'll glory in your growing fame, they'll bow 

 and scrape and fawn : they'll load their babies 

 with your name and sleep upon your lawn. But 

 when misfortune comes along, and jolts you in 

 the neck, and everything is going wrong, and 

 even hope's a wreck, and when with Dame De- 

 spair you sup, and have your fill of woe, your 



gold-brick friends will pass you up, and say : 

 "I told you so I" And then some quiet chap will 

 come, and prove to be your friend ; he'll say : 

 "When things are on the bum, they're always 

 sure to mend ■" And he will dry your tearful 

 eyes, and guide your weary feet, and help you 

 once again to rise — clear back to Easy street. 

 And you will note that he is one who sang no 

 servile tunes when you were loaded down with 

 mon' and insolence and prunes. 



— Walt Mason. 



Occasionally a man who never drank, gam- 

 bled or had any other bad habits can show 

 money that he saved by his abstinence. 



It isn't a question of how much money .you 

 have made, but how much good you have done 

 with it. 



It's easy to convince a superstitious man that 

 finding a dollar is luckier than finding a horse- 

 shoe. 



If you are unable to h^arn anything while 

 trying to teach others, it's a sure indication that 

 you are a has-been. 



Economy too often is the spending of a dime 

 at ten dififerent times for cheap articles, instead 

 of paying a dollar once for something really 

 good. 



To be successful? Never doubt your success. 

 To acknowledge the possibility of failure means 

 to fail. 



