HARDWOOD RECORD 



23 



Perts Pertinent and Impertinent 



Which? 



If jou should die and later waken 



Somewhere across the sulfs of space. 



To find when your first glimpse was taken 



Maude, Alice, Geraldine and Grace — 



If you should find them there all waiting 



When you arrived upon that shore. 



And all of them rushed forward stating 



That they were yours forevermore — 



And if you found you had to take them ; 



If each at once became your wife, 



Would you conclude — now please bo candid — 



If such a circumstauce befell — 



Would you conclude that you liad landed 



la Heaven, or had gone to Hell? 



The Proof of the Pudding 



It's easy enough to be pleasant 



As long as you tell her you love her : 



But the girl worth while is the one who c 

 smile 

 When she knows that the game is over : 



For the worst of it all is the parting — 



The breaking it off, and all that : 

 But there's something worth while in the g 

 who can smile — 

 And cheerfully hand you your hat ! 



— Helen Rowland, 



irl 



It's easier for the average man to quit drink- 

 ing if he wants to than it is for him to want to. 



There Are Quite a Fe-w of Them 



How many people think they're good because 

 they've done no crime ; 

 How many think they've won success who 

 merely didn't fail ! 

 How many who're untempted think their virtue 

 is sublime — 

 And that they'll land in Heaven because they 

 didn't land in jail ! — Life. 



lu and Out 



Wigs — There seems to be quite a difference 

 betv/een a jeb and a situation. 



Wagg — Oh, yes. For instance, when a fellow 

 loses his .iob he often finds himself in an embar- 

 rassing situation. — Philadelphia Record. 



The 1910 ^Battle of NeW Orleans 



Selfish Interests Overcome by the National Lumber Manufacturers' Association 



No Lumber Trust Here 



Isn't is possible for our official government 

 attorneys to — 

 Break the glass trust. 

 Wipe out the towel trust. 

 Nip the flour trust in the bud. 

 Slaughter the beef trust. 

 Regulate the watch trust. 

 Get a line on the fish trust. 

 Put the shoe trust on its uppers. 

 Freeze out the ice trust. 

 Dissolve the sugar trust, and 

 Force the breakfast food trust out of business ? 

 — Chicago Thibuxe. 



Out of Danger 



Pat — I hear your woifo is sick, Moike. 

 Mike — She is that. 

 Pat — Is it dangerous she is? 

 Mike — Divil a bit. She's too wake to he 

 dangerous anny more. 



The man who wears the finest clothes is gener- 

 ally the one who would look the worst without 

 them. — Life. 



After a woman has succeeded in breaking 

 into society she thinks it's up to her to go away 

 twice a year for her health. 



Paced Too Eapidly 



"Waiter, ask the orchestra to plaj- sometliiug 

 different." 



"Any particular selection, sir?" 



"Something slower. I can't chew my food 

 properly in waltz time." — Courier-Jouiin'al. 



No female lawyer objects to being the woman 

 in the case. 



Even an actress may not be able to make up 

 for lost time. 



Wise is the woman who lets her husband 

 believe that he is the boss. 



