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HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



Nice Mental Attitude 

 In married life, when jealous fears intrude, 



And doubts disturb the magic of love's spell. 

 The woman thinks she Is not understood — 

 The mans afraid he's understood too well ! 



— Life. 



Poor Nurse 

 "Gladys killed her nurse Corinne, 

 Hid hei- In the dark coal bin. 

 All that winter, hod by hod, 

 Nurse was lugged to meet her God." 



Commodities 



By slaving and saving : by cunning and greed. 

 By cheating and beating and ignoring need. 

 By selling his youth. 

 By shunning the truth. 

 By striving, contriving and evil conniving 

 He got wealth ! 



By buying, denying ; oppression and lying, 

 By stealing and kneeling, and dark double-deal- 

 ing. 

 Betraying his friends 

 To further his ends. 



By bluffing and begging and frequent "black- 

 legging" 

 He got oflice. 



r.at duty and beauty and love and esteem. 

 And honor and health, and happiness seem 

 Quite out of his range. 

 And he thinks it most strange 

 By lying or buying — all his ways of trying — 

 He can't get 'em ! — T. K. H. 



In some churches cold facts would make a hot 

 sermon. 



A Hard Problem 



up against a toug:h proposition at both ends 



Mary's Mutton 



Mary had a little lamb. 



But it she could not keep : 

 For ere a year had passed away 

 It was a great big sheep. 



Then a naughty butcher came. 



Wise in the art of sham, 

 And next day on his counter 



The sheep again was lamb. 



— Chicago News. 



Missed It 



He shot into the depot. 



But, alas, 'twas all in vain. 



Although his aim was good enough 

 We note, he missed the train. 



Handy Things to Have 

 "Hard-workin' wife you've got. Bill." 

 "Yes, I wish I'd a couple more like her. 

 Sydney Bulletin. 



An optimist is ons who would rather believe 

 that everything is all right than know the truth, 



LiPPINCOTT'S. 



The man who gives in when he is wrong la 

 wise; the man who gives in when he is right la 

 generally married. — Life. 



Cash and Credit 



"Father, what is meant by bankruptcy?" 

 "Bankruptcy is when you put your money in 



your hip pocket and let ynur creoiiors take your 



coat." — Fliegende Bl-ietter. 



The Happiest Man 



A southern paprr house offered a prize for the 

 best definition of the happiest man on earth. The 

 money was awarded to the practical chap' who 

 sent in this one : 



"The happiest man on earth is the fellow 

 who wants to kiss the bartender good-night." 



Draw a line and make the other chaps toe it; 

 that's what I call morality. — Geobgb Bebnabd 

 Shaw. 



A man never learns much when he is afraid 

 ni his mistakes. 



Some think that a virtue is simply an extinct 

 vice. 



