22 



HARDWOOD RECORD 



Pert, Pertinent and Impertinent 



The Fat Men 



I'"at men git all the easy snaps : 

 The hard work's done by the little chaps. 

 'There's our Tresident. Ilig Bill Taft, 

 Goln' 'round everywhere — what a graft I 

 Seventy-five fhoii^an' — expenses too — 

 Only has to spend it. nothin' else to do. 

 Iiittle Joe Cannon has to run the shop. 

 Forty-seven hours a day on the hop ; 

 lias to fight a dozen insurgents a day, 

 ,\n' measly twelve thousan' is all his pay. 

 Ijook at the band when it's marchin' by — 

 What's the v(^ry first thing you spy? 

 Little man luggin' Ihe big bass drum. 

 Fat man poundin' it — ain't that bum? 

 l"at man gits a musician's pay ; 



Little man gits about 50 cents a day. 



Down at the seashore where they git fresh air. 



Fat man ridin' in a boardwalk chair ; 



Little man pushin' it all day long, 



Fat man singin' a glad sweet song. 



Little man diggin' in the ditch all day, 



Fat man watchin' him earn his pay ; 



Little man shovels till his bones all ache. 



Fat old foreman can hardly keep awake. 



Big fat gincral aridin' on a horse, 



Happy and contented as a clam, o' co'rse ; 



But who does the fightin' — makes the enemy 



run ? 

 Why, the little man hikin' in the broilin' sun. 

 Oh, the fat men git all the easy snaps. 

 An' the hard work's doue by the little chaps. 



SPKINGPIELD tiNION. 



To the Hunting Girl 



Here's to the maiden who Ijveth to hunt. 

 Who with her repeater can do a good stunt ; 

 May she always aim true, and never know fear, 

 And never mistake her guide for a "dear." 



— Boston Herald. 



Good behavior may be rather old-fashioned, 

 hut you never hear of it getting a man Intc 

 trouble. 



Alternatives 



He is a fool- who tries by strength or skill 

 To stem the current of a woman's "will". 

 But you're a wise man if you don't . 

 Place too much credence in a woman's "won't.* 



— Life. 



Is Eucalyptus Growing Another Tulip Craze? 



Tulips 



Eucalyptus 



_ [During the first half of the seventeenth century interest in the tulip rose to a speculative basis. Bulbs sold for fabulous prices, even 13.000 florins 

 ($0,200) being paid for a single specimen of Scm[i€r Auf/m^-liis. Ownership in individual bulbs was divided into shares : hulbs were sold before their 

 existence and by men who possessed none ; and of some varieties far moie were .sold than existed. The craze was short-lived, but it financially 

 ruined many families. — Enoyclopaedia.'i 



Suspicious 



"I must hurry home at once." 



"But you've been here only ten days and you 

 intended to remain two weeks." 



"I know, but I must get back at once. I've 

 just received a letter from my husband telling 

 me to stay another week if I'm enjoying my- 

 self." — DKTnniT Fkhr rnE.ss. 



Proof 



Mother — In all that wild storm your sistei* 

 Maggie went out with her throat all bare and 

 exposed. 



Brother — Rain won't hurt her. She's got a 

 rubber neck. — Life. 



Few people fail to live up to the eleventh 

 commandment : Thou Shalt not he found out. 



The Modern 'Way 



The slogan of our fathers was 



An axiom that has gone to seed ; 

 It was to write one's ads so that 



A passing man who runs may read. 

 Today we work in similar ways : 



Our ads look much the same, indeed : 

 But they must be so clever that 



A running man will stop to read. 



