368 Lecture on Verbkide—By a Man of the Law. [April, 



Rule III. — Nbvct do a joke at. second-hand; or never without re- 

 hearsal. Be sure that you understand it. For lack of this rule, which 

 may appear to you of no great price, one Oliver Goldsmith played the 

 dev — deuce with his reputation tbrVit. Everybody knows the mistake, 

 which he made of some other village, for Turn'em Green, after buying 

 a joke, which related in some way or other, to green peas, that were no 

 longer so. Everybody has heard of the lapsus lingua: story, which was 

 played off, not with a neat's tongue, but with a calf's head. So, too, 

 most people have heard of the unhappy G. P. who, seeing a man in the 

 gutter, asked him how he came there ; to which the man replied not- 

 mth-standing ; a joke that so delighted poor G. P. that he went a little 

 way off, and lay down in another gutter, and waited, until somebody 

 asked him how the d — 1 he came there, upon which he replied (with a 

 laugh loud enough to bring the watch about him) ; never-the-less. 



Rule IV. — If you prepare most of your unprepared speeches, leave 

 no records behind you. Vide Posterity- v. R. B. Sheridan, lately con- 

 victed of uttering several counterfeit spurious impromptus, well knowing 

 them to be such ; and of putting off, before the majesty of Parliament, 

 a fictitious " Good God !" 1. T. Moore's Rep. 



Rule V. — Never step aside for the purpose of letting off a pun ;'dr,''. 

 as we have it now, for the purpose of letting a pun. Smother it frrsf. 

 Autliorities below. 



Rule VI. — Never lay a pun-trap. For the learning on this head, 

 vide the celebrated gun case, 1. Joe Millar, 1690, p. 1., §. 1. " Didn't 

 I hear a gun ? Speaking of guns though, may be you never heard a capital 

 story about," &c. &c. &c. So, where A. B., being an evil disposed per- 

 son, kept a large nutmeg grater upon the table at which he always 

 wrote, and if anybody happened to speak of any thing great, as a great 

 man, a gi'eat picture, a great beauty, he would point to his pun-trap, 

 and say, with a quiet look, there's a greater. Adjudged a felonj'- : party 

 transported, nevertheless. So, where C. D. and E. F. plotted and con- 

 spired together ; and C. D. watching his opportunity, spoke of Buona- 

 parte, and of his avowed design to sacrifice the British advance at 

 Waterloo, whatever it should cost, and swore that he had never heard 

 of se rash a thing ; at which E. F. taking up C. D. swore, with a laugh, 

 that C. D. had seen a rasher thing, that very day ; whereupon a bet 

 being made (a very innocent by-stander going halves with C. D.) E. F. 

 pointed, with a chuckle, to a thin slice of bacon, which stood before 

 C. D. and which the company decided, on appeal, to be a rasher thing. 

 Ruled a pmining, with malice aforethought. N.B. — It appeared on trial, 

 that the aforesaid thin slice of bacon was prepared for the occasion, by 

 a, party, who afterwards acknowledged that he had been the secret ac- 

 complice of C. D. and E. F. Our MS. Reports. And so, where B. and 

 C. met by invitation at the house of A. ; and A., throwing himself back 

 in his chair, under pretence of laughing at a joke of B.'s, upset a small 

 wooden tub, or pail, in which the wine was kept. Whereupon C. tapping 

 B.'s elbow, to call his attention, said, in a smothered whisper, " What ! 

 my dear A., kickinfr the bucket !" At which A. replied with a careless 

 air, " Oh, no, my dear C, oh, no ; I only turned a little pail." It appear- 

 ing to be altogether a preconcerted affair, between a poor poet and a 

 rich patron, to impose upon a third party, it was ruled as above. 



The student will remark, that a pun-trap is forbidden by law ; and 

 that a stratagem, such as that recommended by Rule I. is jjermitted. 



